The art of selfishness
David grew up in St. Louis, Missouri, USA, with five brothers and sisters.
When he was 18, he got accepted to a very prestigious art school in Vienna. Vienna! This was his dream come true! He had wanted this so badly, but never thought he’d actually get accepted. This was an amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
But his mother was on her death bed. An undiagnosable illness seemed like it was going to take her at any time. All of her children were visiting her every day.
When he mentioned that he got accepted to the art school in Vienna, everyone said, “Well of course you can’t go! You need to stay here with your mother during her final days!”
He was very conflicted and felt horrible about this, but still felt that he had to accept the offer. So he moved to Vienna.
His mother disowned him. His brothers and sisters screamed about his selfishness, and didn’t speak to him for years. Everybody told him what a horrible person he was.
David told his story at the age of 38 and said, “And now, 20 years later, my mother is still alive. I’ve followed my dreams, had a great career and an amazing life, while my brothers and sisters have given up their whole lives to stay by my mother’s bed, still to this day.”
The David in this story is David Seabury, who changed thousands of people’s lives. It’s from his book “The Art of Selfishness”, which I found on my grandmother’s bookshelf when I was 18. I’ve thought about it constantly since then.
Did he finally reconcile with them or no?
Sorry, I don’t remember. — Derek
Beautiful. Good for David Seabury. I personally practiced so much nurturing and looking into the needs of others that it became my crutch to failure and consistent excuse for NOT pursuing my dreams or even having dreams. It was a hard cycle to break out of, but I finally did it and although I have a lot of catching up to do..I'm doing it. No time for regret. I'm living in the moment and the dream, in the solitude of my own castle and on my TRUE terms.
If you don't take good care of the asset (yourself) the asset will not be able to care for anyone else.
I am sure David ended up in the best position to care for his mother and other family members if he desired.
Thanks, Derek. Great entry, but is there a story behind that image? Striking...
It’s the Katskhi pillar in Georgia. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Katskhi_pillar — Derek
Thanks. This is great timing for me, as I’m working through remnants now. Sadly realizing how much I sacrificed —and was raised to sacrifice — for my family, none of whom who would do the same for me. Now my father, the last of them, is dying and it’s all becoming so clear. Very intense and painful! Too much information, I guess : )
Selfish people are awful but I can see where practicing selfishness as an art is an excellent life skill. Looking forward to reading more from you on this.
The flaw in this story is the false dichotomy - go to the prestigious program or stay at his mother's side. Having only two choices is typically a sign to keep looking for more options. For example, he could have asked to delay entrance to the program for a semester or year and done something else until his mother's situation stabilized. Who knows about the opportunity cost - maybe he would have invented a valuable gadget or started a famous band during that gap year.
Great post! Selfishness or bravery? The easy less fearful choice would have been to stay... the hard brave thing to do was to follow his dreams, braving the unknown waters in a foreign country, and not letting others opinion influence his life based on their own fears, jealously, and beliefs.
All of us have this choice each day. The question we need to ask ourselves is do we chose the easy path and live a life others want or the harder path and live a life true to ourselves?
Instinct is a powerful thing; maybe, somehow, David knew that taking the place at art school was the right thing to do - for him and for everybody else, even if he could not unpack or articulate the rationale all those years ago.
This was perfect timing for me! Thanks!
What if his mother had passed away while he was in the art school?
Would we have then had to condemn the guy for going to his art school?
What if all his siblings had moved to different universities and there weren't enough people for his mother's care?
Caring for one's parents is essential in Asian cultures. I find this story distinctly American in that respect.
Asians have a history of living and dying where they grew up.
They also have a history of having governments that are NOT by, of, and for the people. Hence parents are unloved except by their own relatives.
In America people will organize to create fire departments, libraries and organizing riverbanks so rivers don't flood. A wise American founding father, Benjamin Franklin, was often sought out for his advice on such things.
I once volunteered at Bethany Care Center for retired people, built by the Lutheran Church, while my parents lived in an "assisted living" high rise apartment (had a dinning hall) right beside the church that sponsored it.
A man can ride into town as a stranger and immediately feel membership and responsibility to the town. This responsibility may include giving to charity, volunteer work (which I have heard that Asians discourage) and ensuring that old parents of other people, including old folks who have never had children, have resources and facilities.
In Canada men and women can travel several time zones west to good "petroleum and natural gas" employment and feel proud membership in the town of Fort McMurray, while knowing that their parents, still back near The Atlantic Ocean, are supported by federal tax money. When I retire I will have two federal pensions.
A young lady who grew up near the Pacific Ocean trained in central Canada, then was a librarian in Fort McMurray, is now a librarian in Calgary, where I live, and after she gets married she will probably change cities again. Americans move to where the jobs are. I am thinking of moving to another time zone when I retire.
I think I must read this book. We owe enormous gratitude to our parents and families however how much brilliance has the world been spared because of guilt of pursuing opportunities?
I am going through a rough patch myself Derek. I went to your website to check on hell yeah or no book progress. I have been focused on achieving freedom, I’ll admit financial freedom. It’s layers of baggage and anxiety. And fear. Lots of fear.
I have a mission to be resilient
I have a mission to remove indecision
I have a mission to entitle myself selfishness in pursuit of a greater good
This post -as always Thank you
No one could accuse Bertrand Russell, the man who had a Nobel prize and worked so hard for nuclear peace, of being selfish, surely. Yet in his still-in-print 1930 self-help book The Conquest of Happiness he discourages a belief that I used to have.
I once thought that I was to put others equal by saying I had no ego, no greater needs. Russell used the example of a man proposing marriage and saying his only wish is to make her happy... and that he had no needs of his own... This made sense to me. How surprised I was to read Russell saying that a woman would not be altogether pleased.
As a teen, one afternoon, I once had people cheering "hey, almost!" as I kept putting a basketball onto the rim so it wouldn't go in. I was trying to be equal and not hurt their feelings by seeing that I could easily sink baskets. I know now that I was doing wrong by not letting them see the reality of my ability.
In my trying to be nothing and have no glory I was trying to be like a good Christian. A friend who went to Bible College set me straight. That sort of thinking is called "Worm Christianity" and it is not recommended.
Wow. What a struggle- choosing family over your own dreams, allowing family to chase their dreams without resentment. Off to check out his book!
David acts on his truth.
His siblings are the ones who are upset.
His mom has enough life left in her to disown him.
Choices are powerful. All of them.
Thank you for sharing, Derek.🙏
In most Asian cultures, parents won't treat their kids as an independent individual. They think children are their belongings. Though they love their children 'unconditionally' by giving them financial support when they grow up. However, they need their kids to look after them when they are getting old. If kids refused to do so, parents will say the children are bad people and the whole society will judge you on that. Most children in China don't have the right to be selfish thanks to the old tradition left by Confucius.
My parents raised six children, not as obedient economic assets on a farm, but as real children, a source of joy, in a suburb.
My parents set an example in not being selfish by going to vote together, donating blood together, and volunteering separately: Dad was a Boy Scoutmaster and Cub master, mother volunteered to help crippled children and volunteered at a thrift store. They allowed their children, in our safe democracy, to overhear them talking politics with friends and relatives.
It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a democracy to ensure that cripples and senior citizens (old folks) are taken care of. Not all seniors are rich, not all have children of their own.
My dad used to visit war veterans in hospital, and he was a member of the Royal Canadian Legion. My parents, if we were walking, would pick up litter and nails. They knew how to raise responsible children.
Coincidentally I checked on your blog today as I'm stuck in an A/B situation and was hoping Hell Yeah or No was ready for purchase.
I really enjoy this story and can relate.
I think in a perfect world, the mother is as brave as the child.
As a parent you should want what is best for your child and hence, encourage them to follow their dreams.
In practice (and especially today) there are lots of ways to keep in touch without having to give up your dreams (call 2x a week or something)
Also the term "selfishness" is always interesting. I have heard people make the argument that donating to charity is selfish because it makes them feel good. Not saying I agree but just saying its an interesting point.
I think that's why I find "objective truths" to be super intriguing. I.e. - How can we prove that donating to charity is objectively a good thing?
If you can prove something is objectively a good thing, then you can take action towards something that is objectively the right thing to do and whether or not this is "subjectively selfish" shouldn't matter
Just got my copy today. Thank you!
For the commenters who are criticizing Asian cultures while glorifying their own: So your parents took care of you when you needed them as a child, but when they need you in old age, you're going to put the burden on the tax-payer? And somehow that's more civilized?
That's why your parents put you above themselves throughout your life, so they can have tax-payer support by their bedside when they die, right? Your parents are your responsibility, if anyone's. Don't extort the public because you're ungrateful and irresponsible and consider it civilized. You are forever indebted to your parents, the public isn't.
I'm not a U.S. citizen, but I'm pretty sure Americans don't believe in being ungrateful or irresponsible. Their society functions well enough for them.
Asians, with less opportunities, are doing what works for them.
I think more opportunity creates more culture change... Jade Snow Wong, Fifth Chinese Daughter, had thought her father was traditional. But he revealed to her when she was an adult that he came to the land of the golden mountain (America) in order to give his daughters more opportunity for non-traditional equal rights than they would have had in the old country.
Meanwhile, international best selling author Adeline Yen Mah writes of an aunt she loved very much, "Aunt Baba never married and was financially dependent on my father and stepmother all her life." Her life was not good as the family was dysfunctional... I wonder if China went communist partly to be more social and thereby ease the lives of everyone, married and unmarried.
In Japan, having an Australian style economy has meant Australian sized families. Same with South Korea. Today, Dec 7, in the news Japan has allowed more Asian workers into the country to make up for their small families.
link: www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-46492216
No doubt the culture has adjusted. "Having lots of children" is no longer needed for a person's economic support in old age. Of course Japanese and Korean children gratefully support their parents, not financially but physically and with love. And grandchildren. That's common sense.
A possible change? I suspect modern parents are not allowed to hurt their grown up children's feelings... It is also sensible, in a good economy, to support all old people, both childless ones and ones with children. Like in Australia.
We see such citizen support in the Miyazaki cartoon movie Ponyo on the cliff by the sea, where, in the delightful last part, the children visit an old folk's home. Here's a version (at first normal, then controversial) of the Ponyo song:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzG96HRN3_E
... Citizenship note: Asians don't gain human rights by coming to Japan, they already have them, ever since the 1948 UN declaration. Governments can only take Human Rights away. Asian writer Mohsin Hamid explains clearly in a two page essay, "Fear and Silence", how a government can use denial of rights against a very tiny minority to prevent democracy for everyone, (See his essay collection Discontent) I was surprised to learn that; I hope others are learning too.
As artists, we can make songs for peace.
I actually agree with what Anlam K. commented earlier in this thread.
I wouldn't have thought twice saying "no" to that program if that happened to either of my parents.
As Anlam goes on to say, what if his mom actually died? Would his selfishness still be praised then? It would be interesting if the author laid out this hypothetical in his book.
Firstly, I do not have brothers or sisters. Secondly, my parents do not live in the same country as our extended family. My parents’ siblings all cared for my grandparents (their parents). Someone has to be the caregiver. You can always go back to school but you never get your parents back.
“It’s not all about you - it’s all about me!”
Both parties appear to exhibit selfishness without seeking compromise. I think it is possible to behave selfishly with dignity and thoughtfulness / consideration of the outcome of your selfishness on others. It’s a balance of decision and consequences made by personal judgment / conscience / moral compass. The process is partly taught to us by our parents and teachers and influencers. We can also learn what not to do from those same people. Learning to prioritise is a key and imperfect life skill imho. It’s a beautiful world of many shades not monochrome.
This reminds me of Ayn Rand and "The Virtue of Selfishness": www.aynrand.org/novels/virtue-of-selfishness
An interesting read.
Hi Derek,
I don’t even know where to start with my email. I have so many things that I would like to say to you right now,that I feel overwhelmed. I just finished listening to your audio book: Anything you want . It left me speechless as I am well full of joy. I was smiling and had a bittersweet taste the whole hour while listening to it. First, because i relate so much with the things you talked about in the book and secondly because your book put me on the edge of reflection in a completely different way than before. I would like to connect wirh you and challenge some ideas if you’re up to it and have some time to sparw.
Big thank you,
Hugs,
Ana
Very interesting - I feel that this is so dependent on the outcome. If his mother had died when he moved to Vienna would this book be called the "Art of Regret"?
begs the question of who is being selfish. Why does it have to be him who is being selfish... perhaps its the mother or family who are stopping him from doing what he wants for their own pleasures of his company.
☺ Good point! — Derek
I happened upon that same book a few years ago, and it changed my life!
Great book recommendation! I'm half way through and so happy you recommended it =)
This is how I'm feeling right now.
I'm already away from my parents in this Bangalore city for nearly a decade. I've shunned foreign opportunities fearing that day when I might receive a call saying "Your mom/dad is dead".
But somehow, (maybe after mulling over your world-citizen lifestyle) I'm feeling the urge to say yes to new opportunities. I'm 32 now. Most Engineers will return now and funnily I feel like flying away now.
But it's not getting away. I think the new work, the new perspective will benefit me, and then indirectly benefit them too in the long run.
I love framing it as an "art." There are many ideas floating around in our culture that encourage selfish behavior. Seems like its a balance. Don't tip yourself too far in any direction: you may not pursue your dreams, or you may not end up with a family. Thanks Derek.
The flight attendant always says if the plane has lost cabin pressure, make sure to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others. If you pass out, you are of no help to anyone.
Success has to be defined. You take a few years off,fine, is it a emotional hook, maybe. So what?
Sushill
I read this book too when I was younger...an interesting angle on this (I think I got this from Ayn Rand?) is that a mother who really loved her son would tell him to move to Vienna and pursue his dreams. I can't imagine telling someone I cared about they should sacrifice their dreams for me. That's why I don't think this story depends on the outcome as much as it seems.
I listened to this on your Podcast. I love how short, but to the point it was.
Kind of the Bible story it is Derek) Definitely, you are a philosifer.
An example of tough choices we can be faced with that have conflicting consequences.
For the family to ostracize him was the biggest tragedy.
You love your Mother and family 100% but know that you need to take advantage of a once in a lifetime experience that will, in the long term, benefit your life and family in the future.
My only criticism of David is that he didn't express and communicate the LOVE he had for his Mother and family by explaining that he would be there for her and them by calling regularly and flying in to be with his Mother as often as he could.
I was at the Neil Young Bridge School concert a few years ago, enjoying the day with my son. Neil had just opened, and I got a phone call that my mom had passed, and I needed to come home. My 3 brothers and their wives were with her. My son said "why do we have to go?, granny has already passed". I agreed, but, felt the need to please my family, and we left. A couple hours later, I was at her side as she lay there dead. I still think about it to this day, that all my family was there but me. Think I'll read the book, thanks!
Selfishness is a good topic. To be thinking of the self is something we are often advised against. Loved ones unintentionally attempt to stop us from pursuing our happiness especialy when it makes them feel uncomfortable
I stayed and protected my Mom from scammers and watched over her health. I was the only son. Not selfish. Not entitled. I was responsible ... So this is your mindset ... every one for themselves? Not!
Good one!
Nice one
As a child, to be obedient meant too much "not thinking for myself," too much "honouring my mother." As a result of this way of thinking I protected her from knowledge... which harmed her and our relationship. In honouring her I believed she was as honest as she claimed to be. I didn't realize my dear mother could lie and be manipulative, although I was able to grasp in childhood that she exaggeration-lied.
I didn't know she was being manipulative. Therefore I believed her that she believed that nobody could honour me or respect me or give awards to me, that when they did so it was only because they were unknowing about me, unknowing that my room "was not cleaned up." Too bad there weren't counsellors in her day, too bad she didn't ask advice from other parents.
I'm sure she believed that if her children loved her "badly enough" they would clean their rooms without any help. This when her own rooms were like an archeology dig, with layers of stuff. I'm sure she felt unloved by her own children as they were growing up because of their untidiness.
I protected her from knowing she was wrong for all those years of my childhood, protected her from knowing that some children are not naturally tidy. I did this by not telling her that even as grown adult my room was still not cleaned up. In adulthood I lied by omission by not telling her that I still wasn't good enough for her and others, since my room was still untidy.
I couldn't expect her to change her mind about "untidy means unlovable." I honoured her belief. I could only change myself. By becoming tidy. Too bad for years I was like the clients of tidiness expert Marie Kondo.
If I had not been so unselfish in protecting her, maybe we could have had a talk and maybe she would have laughed to say that she herself was untidy, and so she didn't expect others to be any better. This might have saved me years of despair and anger, and produced a better relationship.
Derek! This is your cousin Linda writing. I just got shivers big time finding this five-year-old post of yours. I'm writing a memoir solving the mysteries of your missing in action Gr great grandfather and I wanted to include a mention of this book, The Art of Selfishness. Did you find that on your Sivers grandmother's shelf or your Welch's? Because your grandfather, my Uncle Bill, gave me that book when I was about the age you encountered it and yes, it has influenced me my entire life as well!
Wish you'd contact me! It was you showing up on 23 & Me as my second cousin that made me a believer in DNA. We both spit in tubes and danged if they didn't figure it out.
Ha! Yes, it was on the Welch side, so it seems my grandfather gifted it more than once! Cool! — Derek
We are the most important person in our lives. Love ourselves first, so we can love others better.