Meta-considerate

Thanks for writing this. I always lead with a smile, and recently I've been questioning why I do it because I noticed ppl don't treat me with much respect.

That’s the best explanation I’ve heard for “why you shouldn’t put people on a pedestal.”

My friend told me the same advice like you do about approaching girls.
Then I replied, "Do you know the thing I hate the most ?! luckiness."
I'm prefer relying on independent factor, than bets... creating certainty from the uncertainty.
My friend used meta-considerate, and failed... then did the opposite (considerate), and still failed... I just laughed at him.
~~
One time, my customer told me that any business I've built always works great.
I've just felt weird realizing that.
~~
It started with my role model company, called Linear Technology.
One time, one of the board director of Linear asked by a journalist, "What's your comment about the last increasing stock of Linear ?"
The board director (plainly) said, "As expected."
The most stunning answer I've ever heard.
Linear focus on the independent factor, instead of luckiness.
~~
Every aspect of life has its own independent factor.
When we focus on it, everything else doesn't matter, whether it is considerate or meta-considerate.
We can make hundreds of meaning for one moment/case, and still don't work.
Did you ever read many books for one field, then you still failed ?
Did you ever read many books on relationship (love), then you still break up ?
The book gives you advice by reliying on bets.

Being meta considerate can completely change the social norms for good. Making the other people exclusive in communication is an important part of any communication.

Love this post Derek - my version is that I've often had to explain to people that it's rude to be polite to your friends, it distances you from them. Knowing someone well enough to be 'rude' to them is an earned intimacy. Meta-consideration is a great name for this!

Alexander Pushkin said that long time ago in "Eugene Onegin":

Чем меньше женщину мы любим,
Тем легче нравимся мы ей.

...which has been translated into English like:

the less we love a lady fair,
the easier 'tis to gain her grace (not a superb translation but you get the meaning ;D).

Sam at #1 mentions a smile.

For Sam: A great speaker with a valued gift for humour has a policy of no jokes for the first two minutes of his speech.

Once when I was a speech evaluator at Toastmasters I told a lady to have "smile variety" because she smiled constantly right from the first second of her speech.

Later I thought about it, and I decided a smile is like a gesture: with too much repetition it becomes invisible or irritating. (As irritating as too many Groucho Marx quips—a fiancé got her man to stop trying to make her laugh that way)

Incidentally, I know at least one person with easy-to-smile muscles. I don't know how much practise that requires, but it might be worth looking into for folks who's default is to look very unfriendly.

I think practise might help (I don't know) because I once talked to a performer who could make his moustache go down in an inverted V for fun. (I would be jealous, only I don't have a moustache) He said he got burning cheeks learning to do it, but it was worth it for his act.

The meta-considerate application here, for humour and smiles, is the old Greek ideals of "moderation in all things" and "nothing in excess."

I learned very early for not relying myself toward luckiness and bets (uncertainty).
Long ago, I read a book called "How to win Friends and Influence People", Dale Carnegie.
Everyone knows it's a popular classic self-help books.
Everyone use it, why didn't I.

Then, I started a service business.
My customers so liked me because I used the best self-help book when handed them, why didn't they.
But....
When the products got failed, they so mad at me... ignoring how good my attitude was.
So, I focused on the independent factor : the products.
And, it works.
My customer didn't too much care about how polite or impolite I am.
Being polite is just a bonus, because people respond differently toward certain level politeness... and it's very uncertain.
~~
People think that direct selling is all about probability, accepting high uncertainty as a norm, and rejection as just everyday meals.
I told to my friend that I've never got rejected in selling... I've never been a "start up".
I focus on the independent factor, and everyone say yes.
So do with every aspect of my life.
~~
When someone tells you that being rejected by girls is a norm of probability... just run away.
Because in real life, you could do both completely the opposite way in approaching girls, and still failed.

Thanks Derek. Your best posts are the ones that don't try to explain it all but leave space for one to add their own thoughts (talking about being meta-considerate).

I'm very interested in craftsmanship (write about it and currently researching x a book). Who/What came to mind when you were writing this one -> "The meticulous craftsman that has a 9-month waiting list because he custom-makes every order himself."? ✌🏻
these">gearpatrol.com/2018/12/21/best-handmade-steel-bike-makers/">these bicycle makers — Derek

I like your framing on the topic. It removes unnecesary guilt and dumb actions. Is definitively a more usefull way to look at things. Thank you.

This of course is my opinion, but I've noticed that it really depends on the lady that you are talking about as to how they are communicated and acted to.

G O L D

I always wondered why a friend of mine would lose interest in men that were too nice to her. Now I know the reason.

I agree, a very good metaphor on why putting people on pedestals in not good.

Pick up artist now? Just kidding. Great read as always.

This line:
“ It’s considerate to not bore my friends with my problems. But it’s meta-considerate to tell them my problems, to let them feel needed and helpful, to let them know they’re safe to do the same.”

Is huge for me!!

I don’t tell anyone my problems (including my wife) because I feel like I’m just complaining and no one wants to hear someone complain.

This is great and helpful.

This reads to me like you’re talking about balance...if your friend is the heavy end and his partner the light end so they achieve balance who are we to judge if they are happy...?

It seems this is largely about boundaries.

Repeatedly showering affection on someone who doesn't want it is a failure at boundaries.

The craftsperson who has a long waiting list will not rush their process. They have set the boundary.

The day I met my now wife, I fell in lust, love and neediness. It wasn't until I read your article that I realized I was putting so much pressure on her. I put her on that "pedistal". I put her above all other things thinking that's what she wants. I realise now that I have been pushing so hard to keep her interested in me that I may have forced her in the other direction. I'm glad you gave me a new direction to think about. I must give her that freedom.

If you love someone - let them go. If they come back. It is meant to be. Know the root cause and not the symptoms.

I like the thought of " They gave nothing but the music and didn't ask for your love "
I've been listening to Joni Mitchell and Miles for suggestions on voicings lately.
Love the post !

Man chases after women until she catches him. He is the prey all the time.

This is something I wish I knew in my early twenties. Will save me so much romantic pain hahah.

I never thought of it quite that way, Derek. I think you have something there.

Intriguing and unsettling 🤔 the example about putting someone on a pedestal resonates right now for one of my relationships.

There’s a solution it’s undertone to the article which is: by putting someone on a pedestal you’re not leaving room for their desire and you *should*. I don’t buy that. What about putting them on a pedestal and *telling* them you’re putting them on a pedestal and telling them you feel insecure by doing that and telling them you’re scared they might perceive you as too much or you’re scared you might overwhelm them and you’re concerned they’ll give up because they feel they can’t reciprocate. Vulnerable disclosure is the way out of an emotional dilemma. Self-censorship not so much. I feel happy and scared I have a strong opinion here!! 😀

All his other examples feel like fodder. And this whole concept is really just a way to say “be aware and introspective about the less obvious dynamics your actions are putting in motion”. To elevate them to something “meta” (as in “other” or “superior”) seems like a way to fetichize something that should actually, instead, be treated at the same level as the other things.

Pondering the application of this to door holding. One person holds a door open. The other, not quite at the door yet, hastens their pace to get through the held door. The first is being considerate by holding open the door, but not meta-considerate to the thought process and calm of the other person. Further, the first noticing the unnecessary haste of the second might feel *worse* for the exchange than better, the opposite of the intended feeling.

I'm sitting here enjoying the idea that I would have loved to have practiced a lifelong game of creatively joyously playfully imaginatively exchanging mutual meta-consideration with a good man. Meta-consideration doesn't usually last too long when it comes from only one half of the whole. But two courageous halves competing to love the other half the most sure could fill their sky with some spectacular fireworks.

Interesting