To question is to consider, not refute

What a coincidence to read this, because earlier today I felt I had to "spell things out simplistically" to teach people how to contribute on a well-read blog thread. This after someone had referenced my name and started a sentence with "But..." As if to refute not their own previous sentence, no, but what they somehow believed I had said and meant. (But I hadn't) Maybe down this thread I will cut and paste what I tactfully had Science Officer Spock say...

In the meantime, I assert that an atheist attending church for the first time should know how to behave, and a student attending college for the first time should know how to academically discuss without misinterpreting or attacking classmates. I say this because surely we have all soaked up proper behaviour from our culture. And we should know how to behave on a thread, too. How strange that in blog life, or real life, we may get all weird and then not expect good will and good sense from each other.

What I do is set my intention in advance to be reasonable; to not attribute to malice what could be from stupidity; to give others "the benefit of the doubt" as I would want for myself. To refrain from interpreting and mind reading when I could simply ask. This makes a nicer world, and does wonders for my blood pressure.

In everyday life, in a gentle way to reassure even the stupidest that I am not criticizing them, if I'm asking about walls or a kitchen, I would smile and say, "Hey, I'm a scientist: I question everything."

If everything is an experiment, then you'll never fail, only learn.

An experiment is just a big question: Will this work? If not, why?

And we define what 'work' is.

Get curious before you get furious.

I love this. It's also important for the communicator to understand the receiver, though.

If I know that someone is likely to interpret asking as aversion, I try to clarify why I'm asking.

So true. "Some people hear questions as disinclinations"... and very Useful in life to ASAP identify if the person you're dealing with is one of those sorts of people.

Useful also to ACCEPT that they will NOT change even if made aware of your simple intentions (they will most likely become distrustful and defensive in response to this form of thinking which they can't fathom).

Act accordingly.

This is considered to be the difference with ask vs guess culture. It's not necessarily good for you to switch into ask culture when the other person is still expecting guess culture, it's important to be on the same page with whoever you're communicating with.

> If Ask and Ask meet, and Guess and Guess meet, then everything is fine and dandy. But when Ask meets Guess, that’s when the problems start.

Direct Ask requests often come across as the communication equivalent of backing people into a corner, which Guess people are likely to take as presumptuous and feel put out. Conversely, Ask people may see Guess’s vague hints and veiled remarks as passive-aggressive, and be irritated at having to interpret whether a yes is a yes or actually a no.

I'm constantly asking questions. And sometimes I think that I must be annoying.
But it's only because I'm curious and I want to remain open-minded.
Once again, you've hit the nail on the head!!!

I wonder if this type of behavior of feeling defensive when someone asks a question varies by region or culture. For example, is this behavior viewed differently in North America vs. Eastern Europe?

Sometimes they make the other person refute, though: “Are you sure you want to have sex with me?”

People are both wonderful and extremely difficult. As a medical practitioner for 50 years ( Army medic then PA) I had to ask people questions to clarify their problem and create a treatment plan.

Some people think they know what is wrong and want to tell you what to do, some are terrified about what you will tell them is wrong and keep changing their answers, some are very well informed basically know what is needed and cooperate fully and easily, some have habits that contribute to the worsening of their health generally and specifically, some are very guilty and sensitive to questioning, they feel probed rather than heard and are so sensitive they can not hear in my tone of voice or my choice of words I am aware of their needs, fears etc... many of these people will perceive my advice and prescription as criticism.
If you think of yourself as a servant, helping in anyway posible, you will be sensitive to the needs of the person and can ask a question in a way that they can accept, sometimes our asking ,only thinking of what we want to know, makes things worse.
I agree with much of what has been said above. Your focus, undivided attention while communicating - a form of meditative listening, with your eyes, posture, with benign intensity that will help you ask a question that opens them up, like -- I am going with you to have time together, in a way that makes you happiest. Do you want that still to be the concert or some other way?

"Doubting is not denying. Asking is not aversion. Questioning is just part of considering." -- To you, yes.

But there are many who don't interpret it the same way. In that context, one can't just assume that his interpretation of it will be the same way the other person will interpret it too right? Wouldn't the right thing to do then would be to take the other person's point of view into context and act accordingly?

I mean, I can ask someone 'do you have brains' and I can claim I wasn't denying it, but I doubt if it will work?

Replace 'why' with 'how come'.

"How come we're going?" feels less threatening than "Why are we going?".

I like this piece. A part of it aligns with a chapter in the project I’m working on. I may end up posting it on the blog if it doesn’t make the cut.

An except from the draft:
Embrace doubt.
Rumble and dance with it till you find clarity.
Then remove it afterwards.
You need it when seeking clarity.
That's how we may navigate the tension between faith and doubt.

Thanks for sharing, Derek. You know I love you, yeah?
D.

Great, great point. Thanks.

Years ago I went to a Broadway play with my boyfriend at the time. It was supposed to be funny and the audience would laugh at the appropriate times but the actions of the actors (they were mimes) never really made me laugh. After about 20 minutes, my boyfriend asks, “Is it me or is this not really entertaining?” I laughed then because I thought maybe it was me! He then asked, do you want to leave? I felt bad because he’d bought the tickets but we left right then. If he hadn’t asked, we would’ve both been not amused for 90 minutes. lol

Thought provoking Derek! As i often am when I read your words. And the comments on this thread...also thought provoking, informative, and intriguing. Thank you for sharing yourself with 'us':)

Keeping the child-like habit of questioning and unbridled curiousity makes life much more interesting and there is so much to learn!!

"We question to consider why things are the way they are. We see if old reasons apply to a new situation. Maybe they do. But maybe there’s a better way."

YESSSSSSSSS!!! WHO SAID it should be this way? WHY did they decide that? I want to move forward with purpose. LOVE that you're questioning what makes a house and why...

When i am learning something new. i am quite like Derek's style to ask why. A good teacher always make his student think about why and bad ones are always telling them how. Anyway, the extraordinary students awlays figure out the reason themselves.THis is how some education system works.

Questioning is a sign of an intelligent human.
Questioning may not be doubting at all.....A deeper Inquiry perhaps?
I believe when we stop asking questions, our imagination and creativity may become compromised.....

Us humans take things personally. Yes, questioning, "Why do I need a wall here?" sounds logical....until we ask a wall builder ;)

I ask a lot of questions. Sometimes it’s to understand the "why," and other times it’s to confirm if the situation remains unchanged. However, people often perceive my questioning as an attempt to challenge their plans or intentions, which can lead to frustration. This reaction, I believe, stems from their habit of speaking indirectly and misusing questions—not as tools for clarity, but as subtle ways to express their desires or intentions.

To improve, I’ve started asking more questions inwardly. I use them to check if I’m being overly stubborn or rigid, and to reflect on how my role models might respond in the same situation. This practice of self-questioning has proven to be both insightful and beneficial for me.

LOL I call that Life

no matter what the culture language or planetary origins
it's still called life when sharing it with others on this planet
we call earth - simple to say but not always simply understood :)

In addition to playing music, I also design things; like yards, gates, and fences. I often ask why someone wants what they are asking for, for when they answer, it allows them to recognize whether they are wanting something because they think they want it, or because they actually need/want it. And, by explaining it to me, it helps me to better design something that will fulfill their needs.

I do try to let my clients know that I am not questioning their desires, but wanting to better understand how they came to their conclusions.

I love this, Derek. Right on.

Guess it depends a lot on the intonation of the question, happy/anxious. The context of on how/why both of you planned the event matters, too.

Communication is difficult. But with a happy tone, hopefully it’ll be clearly conveyed to each other at the end.

Derek,

You are not alone and a natural wonderer. Your gift is to question and ask others to wonder. Without wonderers we would never reached the moon or or discovered the depths of our oceans and ourselves.

Thank you for your gift.

Peace

Brent

We can ASK questions to learn and explore, out of genuine curiosity. Or to imply, insinuate, judge, criticize, even manipulate.

Lacking clear non-verbal clues, how people HEAR questions may show how they're used to asking.

We don't see things as they are: we see them as we are.

Beautiful articulation of the importance of a questioning mind - highlights why we are in a curiosity pandemic.

What comes to mind this time is something I once heard from David Deida.
He spoke about a couple’s conversation where they had plans for a movie night. Earlier that day, the woman said: I don’t want to go to the movies. What she really meant is: Something’s off in our relationship and we need to talk. What if the man felt her then, looked into her eyes, maybe embrace her, sit down, talk, open her heart. What she was saying had nothing to do with her desire to go to the movies and everything to do with her desire to "dance" with him, expressing what's true for her in the moment.

Agreed! I like to live exactly like that as well. Many folks truly do not get it. They can’t hear the question, only their interpretation of its meaning.

This pattern shows up in most of my interactions. I notice it both in how I receive questions and in how my deadpan delivery affects others. I'm working on improving this. Interested in your observations @sivers on how delivery has affected the responses you've received.

When we communicate, communicate to understand, not to find reason to disagree.
When we argue, argue for truth, for to be less wrong, not for proving others wrong.

The situation above is so familiar, yet most of us are not well equipped to cope/respond to it.

It might be helpful to “ set the stage” before the question is asked.

First, say something to the effect of, "Hey, just think aloud here. What if we... I wonder why... How did we decide to..."

If that doesn’t work, listen to the response and say, “ I see how this can appear to be a polite way of saying no, but that isn’t my intention.

The approach can vary, but reading and setting the stage for delivering the message are more important than the inquiry itself.

First, there has to be a sense of safety to limit the other person's defense mechanisms.

That said, if defenses are erected, it’s not all bad. It now becomes a dance—an opportunity to explore the defenses and put to rest any ill assumptions.

It’s only when friction occurs that we have an opportunity to smoothen out rough edges that are hiding under the surface.

so many people don't have very good communication skills. i have a certificate in communication from a state school and i learned so much about communicating! problem is people who lack communication skills so often get frustrated with those of us who possess them! they don't communicate clearly using standard communication models and then snap at us when we ask for clarification as if we are the dunces who just can't seem to decipher their muddled message!

Not making assumptions is hard but helps a lot to have healthier communication.

Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living."

There's a difference between questioning with negative criticism or an intent to
learn and hear another point of view.

We as a nation are in danger of being manipulated by sales people of the
status quo, large industries and government. Questioning with the intent
of gaining knowledge rather than automatic refutation can help us all
survive the onslaught of propaganda that bombards us every day.

Everything is, may be, in the way you ask, your non verbal attitude?

Absolutely. This should be read by today's hardcore breed of liberals and progressives. Questioning what we do not like about our society should not lead to cancelling others who question the sense of new paradigms.

We should not be selectively tolerant.

Of course, this applies to supporters of any side!

Agree with this perspective but also with Ryan's thoughtful point

Yeah, so am I. I like questioning. In the past, some classmates said that I like to ask questions. Now I know I like ideas. I heard people say that Westerners have divergent thinking.

A long time ago, I heard Seth Godin suggest "This may not work..." as a progression from any block. Recently, it's something I'd forgotten.

I needed to read this - thank you.

How many times have we misunderstood someone and laid a judgment instead of a compassionate hand.

Very needed! Sending it to my friend whom I have experienced this doubt with!

Thank you for sharing this!!! This has happened to me my whole life and I’m always like, BUT IM JUST ASKING QUESTIONS!!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

As the average person’s blood boils, deep in the hot pot of political stew that is US culture right now, this is timely food for thought:

I feel like I’m living in a society where it is no longer socially acceptable to even ask questions. To simply ask a question… Is perceived as questioning another’s personal beliefs and core values validity. In reality, you are simply asking for more information, perhaps to better understand their point of view, and why they believe in it so strongly. Yet, far too often, your innocent inquisition results in a futile fight.

Why did you vote for XXX?
Why do you believe in XXX?

To live in a society where we cannot ask questions, is to live in the beginning of dictatorship… and the end of democracy.

Great point Derek, thank you. As someone who is often asking questions, in particular 'Why?', helps to provide not just the context but can also help obtain greater clarity on the reasoning behind an action. This insight and breadth of information makes it possible to create the opportunity to evaluate whether this is appropriate or desirable for you now. The alternative is just accepting things as an absolute because this is 'how it's always been done'.

Hi there Derek,

Regarding this subject, I experience irritation when I question something simply because I want to gain understanding (and that’s supposed to be a good thing to do), and people misinterpret my intention.

Too many people see “questioning” certain things as “disrespect”. However, how can someone show proper respect without understanding? Personally I believe, questioning everything (to gain understanding) is always a good thing.

Great post. Thanks for sharing.
R.R.

This is very very true yet the majority of people can't think this way, even if you try to train them. They are having an emotional response and this is the most difficult to get around.

Thus you can solve the problem by framing the question differently, by providing the information that proves you don't have the intent they might ascribe to your question.

"We made the appointment for the concert, I hope you didn't forget!" undoes the lack of loyalty inference. The more you think about how to structure the words, the more you take control.

How _do_ you communicate with people who receive questions this way?
Point them to this article. ☺ — Derek

It depends on the context and the tone. And how that particular person communicates. I have friends that I can interpret a question like that as they are being nice and letting me off the hook in case I want to cancel. Others I would know they are trying to cancel by asking the question. I don't think there's a blanket rule for communication.
Also, it's different in different cultures. Even in the US. I have friends from the southern states that communicate very differently and I've learned to interpret the ways they say "no". Subtle and similar to how they don't say "no" in Japan.

Simone is correct about Japanese. Another thing about them is that if, say, you are walking along and you ask about a building they feel they are supposed to know, or find out and get back to you, rather than interpret you as having mere wide eyed tourist curiosity. My dear dad is like that too, so I learned to say I don't particularly want to know, "I'm just wondering."

A trick to avoid an ego-threatening "why did you..." is to say, "I'm wondering..." then they can respond or not, as you haven't asked for a response.

That is especially important for some topics that's hard to speak about. We should keep expanding our horizons and exploring new ideas in a clear way, not by guessing.

Great topic. Sometimes answering twenty questions, prior to attending an event, is utterly exhausting. Why? Why not? Just because.

Some of this echoes the philosophy behind Lean 6/Sigma continuous process improvement.

Interesting! =)
There was a meme 10+ years ago iirc that concerned a dress. Was it a blue dress? Was it a gold dress? Who knows, because half the people who looked at the picture of it saw blue and the other half saw gold. I thought there was something almost creepy about the implications of that back then and I still feel that way. I'm reminded of that whole episode here. People hear what they want to hear sometimes yes, but it's bigger than that in my opinion. There's a wonderful book titled "The Alphabet Versus the Goddess" by Shlain I believe. It's really relevant here.

[@Vijay](sive.rs/qcc#comment-84852)

> Wouldn't the right thing to do then would be to take the other person's point of view into context and act accordingly?

How would one consider the other person's point of view if attempts to ask questions to understand the other person's point of view lead to misinterpretation of your intent?

I work in cybersecurity architecture, where I develop strategies, frameworks, controls, and solutions to ensure applications, systems, networks, and data remain secure while aligning with business goals. To do this effectively, I ask a lot of exploratory questions to fully understand how systems and applications work, identify potential threats and risks, and mitigate them. Mistaking these questions for refutation or disinclination is, frankly, counterproductive.

Because of this mindset, I tend to interpret questions as genuine queries—opportunities for exploration. When asked something, I naturally lean toward explaining and clarifying and will keep doing so until it’s clear that isn’t what’s needed. Like many cybersecurity professionals, I prioritize precision and facts, so rhetoric doesn’t always parse well for me. I simply hear the question.

And yes, I’ve been told I’m "too direct," which I suspect is just a polite way of saying I lack a filter. Who knew?

May we continue to communicate fully to those who mean the most to us while they are here.

Lately I have been remembering a long ago philosopher saying that before one knocks down an old fence one must first know why it was there.... Which would require research and, well, questions.

...Right now the Americans are gutting their civil service job, (and NATO) without asking why the jobs were there. I suspect they think that to ask "why" would be to disagree with firing, and so they don't ask.

Note: I liked the book "The Fifth Risk" by a fellow who was fascinated by the vast federal departments of the US. He researched by spending many man-hours with people, questing them, and hearing their stories.

Your points well taken. Thanks Derek.


Ernie

For Khurt Williams at 55, 56:
The scientist Benjamin Franklin, to keep from sounding too confident around less intelligent people, had a strategy: he would say, "perhaps" and "it seems to me," and "maybe"... This worked well for him, as he says in his autobiography.

I am sure that if you and I thought, we could come up with a strategy for questions. By this I mean not our usual "close ended" questions with a binary answer yes/no, that's what's intended/not intended... There could be open ended questions we could use to get our sought result.

"I am wondering about..." "What would be some factors we could consider? (pause!) How about..."

"The best answer I could give..." "I would approach your question by pondering several factors..." Begin to think, or ask, "Is this a good time for me to ponder?" If I was feeling humorous then I migt say, "Call me a nerd, but what I would like to know is..."

A-hem! Like, the purpose of my above brainstorming is to clear the log jam so that we can, you know, think creatively.

Hi, it's me again.
I am thinking of that false stereotype that the smartest engineers are lacking imagination.

As a younger boy within an eight-person family, I couldn't imagine what I now, as an adult, call "the human factor." When family members loomed over me, distressed with me, with a stupid look on their faces, and I asked, "Do you mean you are angry because of A or because of B?" then their faces would look even stupider... And I would not get an answer.

What I did not grasp was that my "older and wiser" relatives in fact had an ego problem, and that in fact they felt stupid inside at not being able to answer my question...

And so in the adult world I don't take for granted others being healthy and confident. I try to let them "off the hook" if I have a question they might not be able to answer, and I try to approach problem solving as if we are shoulder to shoulder putting heads together as equals.

Call me a Zen Buddhist, but I find that if I "set my intention" to be gentle (and know my own strength) then things work out.

I suppose Bertrand Russell, a Nobel Prize winner, must have been terribly creative with his questions. He had a life-style habit (set his intention) to compensate for his individuality. He "...would make it clear, even to the stupidest, that he was not criticizing them."

(joke)I can't answer any questions about "intention" because hey, I don't do details, I'm only a policy man.