One big choice shapes a hundred more
I was 36, and had been living in Portland for two years. I saw an amazing house for sale — really amazing — stunning design, ideal location on the edge of the city, and its backyard was the start of a huge state park. I had a visceral reaction.
For a minute, I daydreamed about living the rest of my life in that house. Find a wife, and raise a family in that house. A bunch of grandkids, and that house would be a multi-generational axis.
Then I snapped out of it. What was I thinking? That’s not the life I want!
In 50 years, what would I rather be saying?
“I bought this house 50 years ago, and I’ve been here ever since!”
… or …
“Hey honey, what year did we move to Berlin?”
“2030, after Buenos Aires. Because in 2040 we moved to Bangalore.”
“Oh right. Our bungalow in Bali was the year before Beijing.”
Now that’s the life I want! Nothing against the settled life for others, but it’s not for me. I want to live in every corner of the world.
We make a big choice, like a house, job, spouse, or dog. We think about the thing itself: the look of the house, what the job pays, what a sweet dog. But a choice has so many cascading consequences. One big choice shapes a hundred little others. I try to imagine the ripple effects — the later details that make the day-to-day difference.
Then I think in reverse. Knowing the consequences I want, what choice would create them? What big choice would nudge a hundred others that way?
Within an hour of seeing that house, picturing the two different paths, it was clear I wanted to leave America forever, so I booked a flight to London. I didn’t know the details, but I knew this big first choice would send me in the right direction. (And it has.)
Atomic habits? Decision fatigue? One big choice decides a hundred others. So it helps to think of implications, and daydream backwards.
Great that you're blogging again :)
One day, I was standing at the bus stop with the kids. One of the other parents said they were looking forward to their kids graduating high school, so they could sell the house and move to Florida. I thought about it, and realized that isn't what I want. What do I want? Why not do it now, while I still can?
Another great blog post Derek, so pleased you are blogging more regularly and sharing your thoughts as they evolve. Completely agree that one simple decision can have a huge impact on the trajectory of your life into the future in multiple ways. It's great if you are able to daydream so that you can extrapolate backwards to put yourself in the position to enable the pieces to fall into place. Ideally knowing what we want s great but in the absence of this, at least sensing what you definitely want to avoid helps push us toward what may help us discover what is right for us. Being prepared to take that chance and voyage of discovery can be an extremely hard step to take, especially when it may be the first of many.
My late wife used to encourage me to think about what I'd want from life and how to go about it after her death. She was diagnosed with cancer in her mid-20's and somehow managed to survive until near her 36th birthday. I wanted to try living in another country so I could explore another continent. I chose one that appealed to me in part because I already knew many people from there. After her death, I went, fell in love with the place, and passed an immigration interview. I started looking at housing and when I returned home, I told my daughter, a freshman in college, that I was preparing to liquidate and relocate. She asked me to wait until she had graduated before I put an ocean between us. She has never asked for much so I readily agreed. While waiting, I met another woman crazy enough to marry me. The result is that these decisions have led me to remain not only in the US, but in the same city and house ever since. That said I am quite happy as it is my view that location should not be central to happiness unless one is in a war zone, a plague pit, or in some other condition that includes pain & suffering in abundance. I am sure I'd have been happy in that country and exploring as I'd planned, but it didn't work out. That said, I think your point about thinking and anticipating with regard to choices is vital.
For what it is worth, the neighborhood has only gotten better in the time I've lived here. That good fortune has helped me make peace with choosing to remain when I'd originally intended to go.
I can also readily understand your perspective, Derek. Thanks for sharing and positively provoking reflection on my part.
☺ I love this. Thank you. — Derek
As for daydreaming backwards, my time horizon is set by my self confidence and self esteem. I remember being unable to have "a five year plan" as my friend did.
It will be nice to give the idea some thought.
This is such a tough topic (big decisions). Some of us thrive with the parameters set out by big decisions. For example, some people buy a home and it forces them to store value or save through mandatory payments; or they enjoy their own space and sense of semi-permanent place. Others feel absolutely shackled by the burden of taking care of a home or have to scrape to make payments at the expense of other important goals. One of the reasons these questions are daunting is because the consequences are so difficult to predict. When I first bought my house, I didn't think I was going to become good at fixing appliances or wanting to spend time and money on renos. And the cascade of both enjoyable and unenjoyable results continues. I will credit myself for looking at municipal plans before buying and confirming that my house would be so close to good bus routes and the new light rail line that will take me to work quickly (since I knew I didn't want to spend time stuck in traffic or need to purchase a second car).
Perhaps I should spend more time considering what the results should look like. On the other hand, I have come to accept that my needs/desires/outlooks/fears change every few years and I am learning to become more comfortable with the uncertainty and all that is not in my control.
I wonder considering the multiverse if there are versions of you experiencing all of these live all at once. Giving you the wisdom and peace of leaving nothing to experience. I am not good at poetry. I meant to say giving you the peace and wisdom from experiencing everything everywhere all at once.
For me, "settling down" was the right choice. One of the reasons I follow your blog is because I am drawn to first principles thinking, especially around these major life decisions, but I thought about it for years and saved up, and now I live in a big house where I work every day and I share it with my family. I live close to the people I care about, in my favorite place in the world. And I travel internationally when I want to, because my mortgage is cheap enough that I can save money.
And my pipes are hidden away in the walls.
Powerful, Derek. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. I love these short gems.
Inspiring quote, thanks maese!
I have aspirations of going full time is a magician, but I am not so sure if I want to be working weekends and mostly evenings. Additionally, I would be starting my career abroad when in reality I want to go back to my home country.
But why do I want to go back to my home country? To be with my younger siblings. But they will grow up one day and go to university and potentially decide to live abroad. So will my live actually be any different if I lived in my home country or would I actually behave more codependently in relation with my siblings?
My business coach tells me I am trying to solve problems that are 100 steps in front of me, but I don't want to end up solving problems I did not want in the first place, which is why this article really resonated with me.
This is such an amazing post.
It's really only in hindsight that most of us usually realize how big of an impact one decision can have on the rest of our life. The cascading effects are so well hidden before they are revealed over time, that most feel surprising. Thinking extensively about them, and moreover dreaming, before the fact, and making each decision to nudge us towards a certain outcome is such an unusual way to move through life. But so refreshing.
I really admire your decision making formula, I think I would steal this.
Ooo, I like this line: "One big choice decides a hundred others. So it helps to think of implications, and daydream backwards." I'm gonna share that one.
This is why you left America. Many people don't know what they want. Even they know what they want, but they don't have the courage to do it.
Hi there Derek,
To me, this is certainly one of your best posts.
If everybody did this, (thinking deeply about their options and choices in life) most people would be satisfied in their old age.
These are the things (among others) that parents should be sharing with their children throughout their teenage years (and perhaps beyond).
An exceptional post, Thanks for sharing.
R.R.
Don't you thought when doing this arrive at different decisions at different times? Say you had walked passed that house at 33. Or 27. Or whatever. Whould you have had the same conclusion (doing the same thought process)?
I do this all the time and can land in different thoughts different day. Somehow though, most decisions can be changed and you can have it all. Just not all at the same time (forget who said that but I like the quote).
(I see I have a post to read from you on that you are entering the final third of your life.. I am similar age I think and about to enter the 3rd quarter.. And now I have much better answers to the questions than I had when entering the second quarter and I will simply have to course correct).
And also reminds me of FOMO.
We’re not just missing out on one thing, we’re missing out on an infinite amount of things every time we make a decision, so we may as well decide to do the thing that draws us in the most!