Solitary socialite

Not unlike my dream last night, about how postmod life's transactional vs relational, invested vs friendly, short term vs visionary...only human vs only humane.

I totally feel you on this. I'm exactly the same way. People think we are the loneliest people in the world, but they don't see the deep conversations we're having behind the scenes. Cheers dude!

I wonder if there is a trend on the questions or other pattern/inspiration. Everyone is unique and we all live in a system more and more driven by digital everything. That must come very abraptly for everyone who loses the rat race job to a machine unexpectedly. I assume the majority is not prepared for that challenge and some of them may ask you for advice.

You are an amazing man. I'm thankful to know you!!!

I can totally relate to where you're coming from although you spend far more time at a computer than I do. I have started making enough money with my music and art to pay my bills in the last several months and I feel like I pack up my car, run to set up and play and then pack my car back up and run back to my woods. When I was a bartender I appreciated the wooden bar keeping the people at a distance. I've wondered why I sing and play when being close to people makes me so uncomfortable. There is a thrill , however , to be able to touch people so profoundly with out having to come in physical evidence contact. Then I go back to my woods.

Hi Derek,
Thank you for this read. This helps me understand the way you work and your preferences.
I thought you might be too busy to really converse with. Now I see that you make time to converse. That you enjoy conversation and aren't feeling overwhelmed by contacts. That's really cool and I have to process that... it's good

That seems to be the evolutionary direction of humanity- to be in private space, but with an electronic sociality.

I can totally relate. I feel like your good friends probably do too and that they still adore you just the way you are!

I get that totally... but i also love talking to friends in person... have a great new year Derek!

I am like this. In my business I have a Facebook group of over 5000 people. I write emails most days. Then I have my husband and 2 kids. 2 years ago I decided I needed "real friends". But after a lot of "trying" I just accepted i needed time just to be me. I felt too drained when I was always trying to engage with people. Online. Offline. I had no time just to be and recharge.

I always admired this emailing thing from you and from others.

Somehow I can get totally overwhelmed by one-to-one conversations. I love to get into deep discussions about various topics, and although I think of this or that particular friend or colleague with love and I am curious about how they are doing, it happens more often than not that I just can't pick up the phone or send them a message. Or it takes FOREVER for me to respond.
On the other hand, I get a kick out of communicating with more than one people in the same time, like performing or sharing something on my blog.

Maybe I should send you an email and ask your recommendation to being much better at following up :)

At least being an INTJ, you can admit that and are still seen to be in the land of normal!!

As an INFJ, when I'm working(writing), my characters become such a huge part of my mind, that I'm absolutely exhausted by them and I feel like I've been socialising all day! If I admitted that to my friends however....I can guarantee, there would be a few interventions going on and a forced trip to my local loony bin!! 😂😂

Wow. Thanks for this. I was just thinking how much I truly enjoy (and am grateful for) being alone - especially on holidays, especially on Christmas. My best friends are far-flung and I love my regular long conversations with them by phone (especially on the holidays).

I have worked online (for the most part) for a decade and appreciate what that affords me. As I get older, I grow more concerned about the physical issues of living alone with little immediate community. It's an issue that I don't have a solution for but I think is worthy of conversation.

I am, indeed, a solitary socialite but with aging (and maybe younger living, too) there are physical, circumstantial needs that simply cannot be met online.

As a single person, I have regular massages for physical touch and develop lovely relations with baristas, grocery clerks, local merchants for a network of interpersonal relations. Still, that does not quite cut it.

I do not have a solution for balancing actual human needs as a solitary socialite but, hey—let's open the discussion!

I get it.

I can write you and you answer questions?

Brilliant!

Can't think of any right now.

It is interesting this concept - alone but not alone. I feel ya.

Man Derek how often I feel like the strangest person on earth until someone like you puts into words why being different is actually the coolest thing that makes one special. Love it! Keep up the good stuff!

Its just human. You're human.
We do what we have to do to get through. Its the way life ought to be. The way it has always been.
We must not allow our humanity to be robbed from us by social expectation.

That is interesting. I'm glad to have a little bit more about something you keep close to the cuff. I often wonder how I would fare if I was in your shoes and having to answer all those e-mails...would I? The balance of solitude and company is even trickier when you have four kids sucking up your personal time. Thanks for posting!

Hi Derek..long time no chat. Let me ask you a simple question. How does answering email all day make you money? Thanks.
It doesn't. I haven't made money in 8 years. — Derek

I can totally related to this and so glad you posted your comment, along with the photo. Perfect. I definitely fall into the same category and my refusal to answer the telephone at times has been puzzling to some family and friends. I'm not the best at multi-tasking, especially when communicating with people. It's one-on-one with me whether on the phone, FB, etc. I definitely need to retreat and regroup. Other people's drama, and my honest to goodness care and concern for others, leaves me a bit drained so I need time to refuel and get going again. Never been a selfish person so I do try to be there and make time for others; however, seeing how the world seems to be evolving lately, perhaps I, too, should have been more selfish along the way. But that's not the true me. Can't do that. Sorry to ramble. Thanks for posting such a thought-provoking and validating comment. I'm such a loner and have wondered at times if there's something wrong with me. You've made me think otherwise, for sure, and it's great to get that shot in the arm and know I'm not "alone" and it's normal. Thanks a lot Derek. Keep 'em coming! <3

it's about control.

It's not one-on-one; you can say that to yourself and the world, you can say anything. It's you and a computer without any human contact - yes, you communicate with someone else through machines. It's a choice you make and obviously like and need (why else would you spend your life doing it).

But don't kid yourself that somehow it's a one to one in any sense that is somehow tangible.

I'm sure thay have a word for it in Japan - maybe two words. Don't lose grip Derek - or are you asking for some virtual help?

Man, sometimes you read something and you immediately think you've met your twin separated at birth. Love this post! You just validated many of the things that define me, some of which I've wondered whether I should try to 'fix'. But the reality is I'm energized by solitude, and crowds, meetings, etc. just drain the life force out of me. I love being social via chat, email, etc., much prefer one on one discussions, time flies when I'm trying to solve hard problems and don't care much about accumulating "stuff" (except tech gadgets). I know mine is not exactly a unique profile, but its not an entirely common one either. Thanks for reminding me that my 'wiring' is not so bad and can lead to a happy, productive, prosperous life too.

Michael

I need loads of alone time. I've always been on the shy side and do best corresponding with people via email, or on social media. I'm what you might call a 'phoneaphobic'. lol I don't like talking on the phone. I've always been an introvert and most of my friends have always respected that about me. When I get talking though, with someone I'm truly comfortable with?? Watch out--I don't shut up. :)

Being with people without being with people? I guess that's the prevailing illusion of the day.

Thanks for sharing, Derek. You always have something of value to add to the mix. Yes indeed, the world is changing so rapidly, and the importance of adaptability is become more clear every day. I always appreciate your perspective on things. Here's to peace on earth and a great 2017 for everyone, no exceptions.

Very, VERY interesting subject Derek. The circumstances / the technologies might vary, but what's common is the spiritual and mental connection with others, as the thing that's actually going on, in this. Ones MIND is engaged with others, when one is busy, "alone" (physically, only). The communications might be "one way" (at that time) but responses will soon follow, just as this is a response now.
"Busy sending messages to other people" (whilst being physically alone) means I' connecting with those people. Not alone at all!
We all know of the phenomenon where person x calls you and your first comment is "oh, I was just talking about you to do and so a few minutes ago....".
Anyone who thinks that stuff is just imagination, isn't being real.
Sam McNally.

I was reading the comments here ... they all talk about themselves. I would rather know more about you. You seem to be the most unique/different/unusual person I've never met. I am flattered that you've been sending me emails for many, many years. I'm not sure when they started, but it pleases me to get them. You remind me of a friend/neighbor's daughter by the name of Amber Rae ... she's on Facebook and is a remarkable spirit; she has followers like you do. Are you on Facebook?

Dear Derek, a very very healthy, peaceful, joyful and prosperous new year to you, each and every day and night..health is wealth!! I just ready your article. We all need our solidary time. it helps us balance our mind, body and spirits. I am like you..a social recluse...I know you listen to your deep voice inside. when you need time to be alone, go for it. it's your precious time to chill, relax, wind down and gather your energies..doing nothing is doing something, it's doing lots. I love to lie down on my velvet couch everyday. You are so generous to thousands and thousands of people around the world and beyond..so by being generous to yourself you keep the balance and live a much more peaceful and full life..thanks for everything and cheers to your quiet alone time Derek, Mark

Wow - that's a lot of advice!

Your thoughts are always so inspiring. You are the John Lennon of emails.
I should quote you on that. ☺ — Derek

I agree completely. Running a music label group feels so similar. Everyday deluged with email, each from awesome folks who need a little support. Somehow I keep going day after day, year after year. One of your tips once for CD Baby was to keep it personal instead of automating the human interface with the customers. Its tough but it keeps a friendly real person there to deal with and sometimes just talking it through solves the issue.
What was also nice is when you said, that you enjoy it. =) 8-10 hours a day doing public service in effect. Giving back to the universe. Good Karma for sure, the fact that it's also something (let us call it fun) that keeps you engaged and thinking, and expressing your feelings... that's also great too.
Keep living the dream brother! =)
M.C*.A.H.N.Y
[Merry Christmas* A Happy New Year]
*add your holiday of choice

Thank you Derek!! I feel great being part of the Solitary Socialite Club!! Awesome!! I too am on the phone with clients all day, emailing all day, chatting with friends on Facebook around the world -- I don't feel alone at all -- in fact, when I'm alone not on the phone or on any social media, I know I have my spirit guides with me and they guide me loud 'n clear -- so I'm never really ever alone -- haha -- love 'n hugs 'n Happy 2017!!

We all need solitary time - especially those of us who interact with others all day. It's call reclaiming ones SANITY!!!
So - enjoy the solitude, Derek; just don't do anything to land you in the slammer with REAL solitude. Voluntary alone time trumps that (excuse the expletive) any day!

Barb

A lot like my existence and that of many home based sales guys.

They are alone, but have he transient interactions.

Maybe more of this in more jobs in the future...?

I must be old fashion. I like looking people in their eyes so I can get an accurate reading on what they are trying to convey. I still use the digital world for the news but you can't tell if they are lying, hallucinating or telling the truth.

I've always kind of enjoyed being the loner I am. I had such an interesting career as a songwriter-recording artist. I was able to reach a ton of people for 40 years, being on the radio (with my music) yet still able to be alone most of the time. So I kind of did it my way: just recording in my best friend's living room, laughing, drinking beer, then hearing our songs all over radio and tv, yet most of the time, being able to go home and be alone. Sometimes I was lonely, other times not. Now with the internet, we can all reach out all the time, yet STILL be alone when we want. Life is a funny thing...

It may be why I (we) love to be alone in crowded coffeehouses.

Beautifully worded Derek. Expending energy towards people, even when alone is still expending energy. I understand and work similarly. I have to refill my well daily. Otherwise, I run dry. Happy 2017 to you.

I always feel weird when people say I'm great at networking and being social. I never feel that for myself.

Hi Derek..

interesting as always.

yes...i would describe as a solitary socialite too. never heard of the term before you. i'm living on my own and practicing playing my instruments for concerts or just upkeep or development, but also in relationship with many many each day while I live alone. i love living alone but being in relationship!

great to receive your thoughts on any subject. you are one amazing guy.

all the best to you in the new year! lauren

I value my connection with you, though I don't speak often. I hope you know how important your contribution to us independent artists has been. Few have changed the world in such a drastic way for the better.

That this is connection is without a doubt true. Whether we are communicating is another thing. Children and adolescents are becoming increasingly despondent, depressed and emotionally distraught. Suicide is up^and there is more depression in young people today than there has been in the past. We, in the adult segment of society know connection and communication. We "existed" before the internet, before digital wizard before virtual reality. WE can differentiate (at least some of us seem to think we can. . . ) but children and teens cannot differentiate because this has been all that they know from day one. Direct one on one is what they desperately need and want without knowing it and we are rather cavalier in considering this connection thing as being all encompassingly wondrous.And so, this is what connections do - they drain us so that when "real" contact is requested - there is nothing left in us to give. Me thinks we should be careful of what we praise and accept as OK. Our kids aren't there yet - if they ever will be. Just saying.

It's nice to have something to call it now. Maybe it's not even necessary to put a label on it, but I've experienced this for years and am completely fine with not being social after work. I need down time to process the day a little bit and when Im ready for friends I let them know. It feels to me sometimes that there is an expectation by friends and family. That you HAVE to be social when people want you to be. I guess it's just one of those things you have to normalize in your own head. It's okay to be social in whatever way makes you comfy and boundaries are a must in work and personal life.

I too spend a lot of my time alone and revel in the pleasure of doing so. The majority of my meetings are one on one and usually with people I don't know so each one is an adventure in itself.

However, the best part of my days are book-ended with time spent with my wife and kids which I thoroughly enjoy.

I can totally relate. But it is also good to also take some time out once in a while and ingage with your friends physically. Stress relieving.

It may be comfortable, to interact mostly at a distance, and I am not judging Derek because clearly this is what you enjoy. And obviously that is 100% your choice. I spend a lot of time alone based on the various activities that are my passions. But I think there is something you get from humans face to face that you can not get in an email, a phone call, a text. There is a whole dimension of human exchange that adds richness to all the above. When I see all the phone zombies in the street, or those who go out to dinner and while sitting with someone spend more time staring at their phone I think it's sad. I would not want to limit my curiosity about others or inspiration from others to emails etc I'm not suggesting that's what you do. Just that social skills are developed in a live social environment, comfort from hugs, winks, smiles, are not replaceable, and a lot is missing in remote exchanges.

This is my world, too. It is refreshing to read these comments. While some people may think I am kind of a hermit, I am quite fulfilled and it has taken me worldwide ( for real ) in a mix of business and pleasure. So, while cringing sometimes about how technology has invaded our lives, it has made my life incredibly rich and diverse. Nice description Derek. Cheers, bud.

I too, like so many of us, find myself spending long days on the computer answering e-mails and, in my case, doing the complex planning that being a touring recording artist requires. It is the solitude factor that I find very interesting to probe here. I thrive on my solitude, and frankly think many couples would fare much better if they allowed for and encouraged that within their relationships - I think humans truly need solitude. But since I also often give up my home on airbnb necessitating that I "go into town", I end up making the effort to connect with friends in the city and "getting together" with them. . Since I'm somewhat forced to do that, I'm keenly aware that, though we feel connected to others electronically, there is NOTHING like being out "IN the world" and both engaging face to face with our beloved friends who are the web of of our actual lives, but also simply being dropped in the middle of it all and observing and being a part of the life around us. Like with everything, it's all about balance. Fortunately being a musician requires me to send long periods being totally immersed in social engagement that isn't electronic, but I'm keenly aware that I could easily be a hermit if it weren't for the factors in my life that force me to be "out there".
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Derek!

I feel the same.

What's going to happen to us when VR makes it's big debut? I think we may end up sitting on the beach while or Virtual Selves sits in front of the computer sending a virtual email to others.

...that or we go back to Sky Pagers ;)

Haha -- have met all kinds of interesting folks through the mail & now online as well as in person .
And as time rolls on-I'm meeting more & more folks in person that I've only known from a distance.
I started accepting invitations from strangers a few years ago & they usually end up being most delightful . Also there are many folks that I've met for the first time in a workshop or they may hear me play banjo somewhere & then they contact me & invite me to their town to play & stay with them & their families .
Many folks only know me by my music which is why I always try to play tunes & songs like I hear them in my heart & not imitate someone else--that way if they hear me playing at a distance or in a crowd-- they will know it's me & we will meet at last )
You too Derek-- we will meet sometime :)
Best wishes,
Mary Z

The soliatary socialite,is a song!! Bet u culd put lyrics an music to it derek!!

Hi Derek! So understood! One of the great mysteries of modern science..I am Here..and You are There...but still we meet!!☺ It's great for sure..☺ Enjoying some chocolate pretzels this day...! Happy New Year Derek!! Rachel☺

I'm glad you shared this article. Thanks, Derek!

Derek,

You are so correct. I feel many of us who are truly introverts(we gain our energy from solitary time, and process our thoughts inwardly), feel like calling, emailing, social(izing), et al are necessary and fruitful. However they are all extroverted activities. We can DO them, but it costs energy. Whereas at the end of a day an extrovert would love to go out with their work-mates, we would love tog home first and catch our breath. Then with have dinner with a friend or two and then be able to read or think. Ahhhh.

I do love the phrase solitary socialite. And thanks for allowing my rambling.

Dave

Sound familiar. I have tons of private internet discussions with people.

I can relate Derek, often I am doing work solo, on the internet or performing, and when I still look forward to my time alone, maybe that it's that what I really consider being alone is not working on anything, just taking in the beauty of the world we all share. Thanks for all you do.

Like so many others, I totally get that "solitary socialite" life.
I don't think any of us have the contacts and creativity you
have but life is certainly different now that there is technology.
I keep in touch with friends and family so much more than ever
before through text and email. I would never have phoned someone
in the middle of their work day to ask a simple question or send an
interesting link, not wanting to interrupt, but a benign text/email
to which they can respond at their convenience is so helpful in
keeping connected with others. The problem is (about which you
recently wrote) distraction. I'm finding the key is to continually improve
discipline to maintain focus on priorities. Energy, Money, and Time management -
ah, the most valuable skills of our era! Well, like you say, maybe of any era. And,
finding a Balance!

I can understand how it can be convenient and comforting.

Only email and facebook conversations hardly ever produced life-transforming results and deep connections.

Face-to-face heart-to-heart connections beats online, over-the-phone etc every time. It also requires more investment of energy, time and oneself.

I'm not saying it's totally useless, technology helping us to connect, but it's nowhere near as fulfilling as personal connections built in one space and time.

Derek,
Relationships come in so many forms and the ones you create through your emails have so much value on both sides (I know I have extremely high regard for your your thoughts). Face to face contact has its own value bit for you and those with whom you are with. I hope you find the proper balance to be happy and continue to bring such great inspiration and meaningful ideas to those around you and who read and follow your ideas.

these days, i probably talk to about the same number of people online on a given day that i do in person :)

I sometimes prefer conducting a conversation via phone over speaking in person. The other's voice so close, piping directly into your ear. It's just the two of you, without distractions.
Me too! Might have to do with being more audio-focused than visual-focused? A conversation feels like better quality if on the phone (voices intimate in ears) instead of at a noisy restaurant. — Derek

me to a T

Hi Derek,

Not self-indulgent all all; a helpful reflection on what used to be called 'the global village'. Thank you.

Nine years ago, Lynn and I moved to a former bothy in a remote part of Scotland, with no other buildings in sight in any direction. For five years we were completely off-grid, then electricity came to our glen and with some misgivings we became connected. Slow and inconsistent two-way satellite broadband followed, but no TV, radio reception is patchy and there's no mobile signal for miles. Even the nearest post office is a 44-mile round trip.

Yes, I get stir-crazy at times (Lynn never does) but I love life here. Occasionally, when I visit a city, I throw myself back into the maelstrom; but relative solitude has become my norm. Like you, the phone (land line) and email have become my main modes of communication. I find that, when I do occasionally meet friends I haven't seen in years, the reconnection is instant and as strong as ever. This week, aged 70, I bought 'How To Make It In The New Music Business' and joined DistroKid; both on your recommendation (no laughing at the back). It's important to keep busy! Have a great, happy and healthy 2017.
Wow! That's hardcore! Way to go. Thanks for posting that, Martin. — Derek

Aspergers! Social Overwhelm. It's not that I like being social or anti-social. I need that connection to people but also need solitary.

I can certainly identify with your experience. Especially since I started putting all my courses online I find myself answering 50-100 emails daily. However, I don't relish it as you obviously do. I actually dread it at times (not always) and I mildly resent what feels like an increase in workload. I suppose I'm more productive as I could never meet personally with all these people, but the downside is far less time left for reading all the books on your list and more (I've made good progress with this).

A big part of me would love to go back to walking into the classroom, or out on stage, and SEEING people in real time that I interact with.

I love my time alone too. I need a lot of alone time. Working, thinking, reading, writing, creating.

But I'd never spend my time alone on FB or email.
I'd ask people I want to connect with out, for a walk, to do something.

Why?

I'm hear to built connections that make a difference. Fewer but deeper. That doesn't happen over FB or email. I wish it did.

People are committing suicides or go into deep depression exactly because there are no TRUE connections. FB friendships and chats never fulfill us. It goes to shallow personal connections too.
At the end of the day, after all the alone time, you want a real human by your side, even if just listening to you talking about nothing but really there for you.
We can survive without FB just fine. Or email.
We can thrive without it.

But without personal connections? Heart-to-heart?
I doubt it very highly.

Hi Derek~

You are a fascinating and inspiring person. I have not been on your website for a while, but was excited to see an email from you. My thoughts were.. Oh I love this guy.. I wonder what's up? I would love to hear or read your answers to the most interesting questions. Hopefully some of them are the most common, but the ones that provoke a unique response are most likely unique questions. So...don't leave them out. I don't think you would anyway.
The sincerity and cadence in your voice are wonderful attributes. Podcasts would also work!
Blessing to you and your family in 2017!
LC

all day, every day. Similar for me. Nice to read. Glad you made the effort to post.

I'm counting the days till I can hang with my favourite people from all corners of the world - in any real or unreal locale - while still in my underpants at home. AI/AR/VR is here and SoSoing will be the new gnorml!

So when do you get to code?

Whats the benefit of having many short conversations over few long (presumably deeper) ones?

What have been the greatest lessons from this exercise?

How long do you intend to continue?
2 more days ☺ — Derek

This describes me for the past 21 years. You rock Derek. Always nice to hear someone who gets what you do every day. :)

Derek, I so totally relate to what you wrote here. I am glad you sent out the email alerting everyone to the post. I happen to be an introvert whose chosen field keeps me in front of people all the time, when I would be happy to be behind the scenes, but alas you cannot do that as a CEO! After interacting with people on my team and in my company all day I need some time to decompress before hanging out with family or friends.

Be well!

Bobby

Yep, my own experience is very much like yours. Feel like I'm constantly talking with people by email, phone, Skype, online meeting, etc. all day long... and then need some alone time. (My friends don't understand it either)

As much as I've been able to nurture many relationships with clients, students, strategic partners and friends this way, it was mentioned by a previous commenter... there is nothing like in-person connection too. So once we're done with our alone time... we do need to make time for in-person time every now and then too. There's nothing else like it.

Thanks a bunch for this post. It was excellent, as usual.

The solitary socialite is a thing with me too. I connect with people from my laptop every day. Often answering around 400 emails a day. Based in pure connection. Intended to support, broaden, and connect. And when I get done, I'm done peopling for a while.

I then need my time to journal, write, play music, dance around my apartment. It's a beautiful thing.

Thanks for normalizing that experience for me. Thanks for having me realize with your writing and the comments that I'm weird but not that weird.

I enjoyed this article a lot. I never realized how kind and considerate a guy you are and I like that. I'm the type of guy who would do anything for anyone who needed something or some kind of help...I have done this most of my life. I like people nice people and they like me. Makes life rewarding. So glad you posted Solitary Socialite. Happy New Year to you Derek. I remember when I first met you in New York City 2003 or 2004...I had a tee shirt made up with the CD BABY LOGO...great memories.

regards, be well...Sammy

I love answering emails. I learn so much.

I see your point, Derek, but I'm concerned you're not getting enough exercise. Perhaps, you should donate an hour a day for a mild workout, if for no other reason, just to keep your blood moving...... We need to keep you around for a while.
☺ Don't worry. I do. What I described here is not my entire life. I also hang out with my kid in nature for 30+ hours a week, hit the gym or climb a steep hill on alternate days, etc. — Derek

Interesting perspective Derek. That is a good way to think about it.

Happy New year!

What you've described is the same reason people usually text rather than call. Being with someone(s) in person or on the phone in voice, you aren't completely in control of when, where, and what the conversation is about - unless you want be extremely rude. With texting or email (or in a VIRTUAL WORLD as I do it) YOU are in complete control of the if, when, what, and who of your conversations. If you don't reply or lose interest in conversation, or take a long time replying, well, there could be some other reason for the disconnect and even if it's obvious to them you have no interest at least you don't have to explain to them or make an excuse as you would on the phone or in person.

That's certainly a thing, and it is convenient to everyone, but I would not call it socializing.
Funny how we each make our own preferences for communication. I hate texting because I hate typing on glass. But I love voice and phone calls. — Derek

You are living the dream and you've earned it. You carpe diumed the hell out of the cusp of technological innovation. Actually you're living an oxymoron, but you probably already know this, ala. your handle aka The Solitary Socialite. Like a nomad-with-a-home you wander the world without leaving your home office. Not a bad deal, not bad at all but I could see cabin fever being an issue sometimes. Small price to pay considering all the other problems in the world. You are living my life, give it back. JOKING! Be sure to exercise because lots of sitting is unhealthy. PEACE.

Derek,


Your email was timely, I liked this short note about The Solitary socialite, thanks for sharing.

This makes perfect sense to me. Whether it's in person, via e-mail, or pencil and paper, connecting with others takes energy. Your efforts are appreciated more than you know.

Related long story...I have done a bunch of public speaking in recent years. Speaking with passion in front of large crowds tends to make everyone think I'm an extrovert. But, not so fast! I am actually an introvert. It's the conversations after the speeches that burn my bandwidth. Something about speaking in front of a crowd is akin to being alone. Hard to explain. It just doesn't cost as much as the one on one. Solitary, yet public. "Solitarily Public" Who'd have guessed?

I dont think its so unusual. LOL it sounds like what I do all day long. Glad to know someone else has similar days.

I'm intrigued because I think it would be challenging to be focused...in the shed...trying to create new offerings for the world, while also communicating with so many people, most of whom presumably have nothing of substance/value to offer in exchange for your time. Not that you need something of substance/value for every interaction, but for the volume you're doing...it's hard to see the value to you. You can't really be both hyper-focused on creating and communicating with virtual strangers 8-10 hours per day, right?

Being in a similar position I absolutely agree that the breadth over depth can be exhausting. That said, I find that time with my closest friends (just a handful of people) provides the same restoration that alone time would.

I adore you Derek Sivers! I have been intending to write you an email for quite a while now. In fact once I already have and for some reason it disappeared before I sent it to you. I look forward to getting around to it.
This blog post reminds me of what I have recently been finding a lot of criticism of- choosing to be on your devices instead of spending time with people physically. I myself have the habit to chat with people on Facebook messenger, or just to browse for my Facebook. And it seems like it is considered being a shallow behavior, a vice of sorts which should be given up for spending quality time with people that you love.
Even recently i got the audiobook, deep work, since it was something that you recommended. And the author there seems critical of shallow Internet time .
I'm not quite sure if I agree with these critics. I mean, if one enjoys this activity is it really harmful? Maybe it is…?

I adore you Derek Sivers! I have been intending to write you an email for quite a while now. In fact once I already have and for some reason it disappeared before I sent it to you. I look forward to getting around to it.
This blog post reminds me of what I have recently been finding a lot of criticism of- choosing to be on your devices instead of spending time with people physically. I myself have the habit to chat with people on Facebook messenger, or just to browse for my Facebook. And it seems like it is considered being a shallow behavior, a vice of sorts which should be given up for spending quality time with people that you love.
Even recently i got the audiobook, deep work, since it was something that you recommended. And the author there seems critical of shallow Internet time .
I'm not quite sure if I agree with these critics. I mean, if one enjoys this activity is it really harmful? Maybe it is…?

As always an echo to what I am thinking but haven't articulated yet. Greatly on point and connected to your previous post that I wanted to react to but was on my INFP lonely sphere. I just wonder what is the trajectory for the future, are these technological discoveries temporary measures until we become telepathic, are we already telepathic but society doesn't accept it and therefore it is not nurtured and developed. I read a psychology study somewhere that most communication is not only words, but so many other aspects, including body language, the tone and intonation of voice, even brains communicating with each other,.... Besides some people are more skillful expressing in words than others and now we have texting, and even more so the minimal 140 character limited texting, summarizing, as the preferred means of communication with the entire generation, myself included. Could this be a way to telepathic communication that alternates between minimal and maximal. I suspect VR may be the next preferred use of technology in that respect. The opposite end of the spectrum.

Derek,
I totally relate to your/our predicament. Extroverted mentally/verbally while introverted positionally or geographically or sanctuarially (new word?).
It would be great to live in closer proximity – maybe with about 1,000 of us types within a few square miles, where we could physically meet, maybe 2x a week, and see if more productive outcomes might ripple out into the world.
We can incorporate it as "Ripple City."

Happy '17 to you!

Gary

I appreciate that you use your time to communicate / connect with people. Previously, you asked for insight into other cultures or view the world/life.

Check out these
FC Union Berlin
www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2012/dec/20/union-berlin-christmas-tradition

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/23/sports/soccer/fc-union-berlin-christmas-carols.html?_r=0

The video of the fans holding candles and chanting "Eisern Union" makes me appreciate German culture even more in light of the atrocity at the Berlin Christmas market.

We are selling our home in Bavaria and have learned two things about Germans and real estate: "used" houses are like used cars (value wise) and German men want a Keller / cellar. I am not sure why that is so important to them. I ink supply and demand overrides the used car mentality.

This is me too!!!! I live on the side of a mountain in the middle of nowhere, alone with 2 dogs and 4 cats, no neighbors..... and yet, I'm a life coach! And I interact with people all day long via text, phone, skype, email, facebook....... It's a great time to be alive! And I like having something in common with Derek Sivers. ;-) Happy New Year! HFH

when you have time to get to me, id like to tell you an incredible story about my discovering my other half spirit and eternal twin flame who was one of the greatest singers in history and is across the spirit waters, as well as the unique love songs i have written for her. it would be an honor if you called me. a private line of myself , a private individual. this is a peice of musical history that should be told to someone like you. take care of yourself and exercise and stretch after all that sitting, which is not good for physical health. thanks for helping people on their path. i need help on mine too. health and happiness to you derek, god bless you. steve macagne

Yes I can relate to what you said. Many of us are becoming solitary socialites. A question begs to be answered however. For people who have grown up communicating more or as much online as they do in person, what affect does that have on our face to face communication skills? I wonder.

Thanks for sharing. That's my life and it's true it's been that way for awhile. The thing is most of my closest friends live nowhere near me, so touching base with them daily off the net would be near impossible due to the time difference. Actually there were phone cards seventeen years ago. I guess I'm always been a social introvert. Haha

Hi Derek,
I am also someone who thrives on solitude. Yours is a special case because you are also engaging with people while being solitary. I find that it helps me to make sure that I include some real social time to compensate for my life style.

I just popped in to read the comments. And now, back to my alone time O_O

The world is totally different since when I sold the early versions of personal computers in the mid 1980's.

Derek, your so generous with your time with individuals who reach out to you.

How many actually put your words of wisdom, advice, experiences etc. into action? Very few I'm sure.

What do you do or what can you do to increase the odds they'll act vs. get a quick hit of inspiration which withers in the passing days?

Love your stuff.

Really good perspective- relatable. Thank you.

Nice to know I'm not alone!

Same life here! (With far fewer email messages.) (At this time.)
Thanks again. Your not-aloneness makes me feel less alone!

Thank you very much Derek for keeping me on board with new and what sounds like fabulous plans. BRAVO for saving on the taxes by way of donating Company first.
S.M.A.R.T. move with thinking ahead. Deanna (Montreal, Canada)

Just read several comments. There seems to be a huge number of people (so maybe everybody?) who need/want a sense of ...safety? ...management? with this whole human-interaction thing. Machines as go-betweens seem to be a means to that end. When you have time to give some thought to what you're about to say before you say it, you're less at the mercy of the occasional inevitable sometimes-labor-intensive pitfalls of improvisational in-person conversation. When you don't have to attend in-person gatherings in order to have a human community, you can manage time way more efficiently. When you can select which conversations you genuinely want to engage in and with whom, you improve the quality of your life. ... Etc.

There are all kinds of good people in the world who express themselves differently. It's great that you have the language skills to help people via the internet.
My fourth child is adopted and has severe dyslexia. Unlike my other children who are excellent with language, he has a struggle with written language. His verbal skills are outstanding, however. He is really good with people and works with people all day. He is not academic. He never failed anything at school, but did as little paperwork as possible. Despite being smart, his grades were average and college was not for him. He earns only a little more than basic wage, but he keeps costs well under control and gets help from his siblings and us, his parents, occasionally. The main thing is that he is happy and always looking for people he can help. He's big around and tall. Word correction is a Godsend to him while it's often a pain for me. He loves technology even though it's a struggle sometimes. He learns best by means of videos. I'm happy with all my children. They all have been taught to look for opportunities to help others: "Let deeds, not words, be your adorning." I think you are very much like this too. Good luck to you!

Derek, I wonder if you have introvert tendencies, like me and many others. Extroverts get their energy from others, while introverts, who often have excellent social skills, need periodic alone time to recharge their batteries.

I can relate to this Derek - I love my alone time even though I am not as busy as you are during the day. I enjoy being with and talking to fiends and acquaintances but I also look forward to my alone time.

Hi Derek, I have written email to you before and you have answered me. Thank you for that from the bottom of my heart. However, there is something that makes me sad and frustrated for you that do this for at least eight hours everyday. I know that is on me and who am I to judge you. I have no right, for sure.

The efficiency of communication that digital methods have enabled is tremendous and facilitates such copious amounts of material for anyone to consume and in your case reply to, and it is unfathomable.

Do you view this as service to your fellow man, and if so, do you think it scales? Just trying to wrap my brain around the fact that any human could sustain this level of 1:1 engagement for so long. Is there not a part of you that wishes you took even 10% of that time in the last eight years and learned how to paint? (Fill in the blank)

Hope this does not come of judgemental... just really curious.

(No need to respond to this.... :) )

Hello
Well short as you said but to the point.
THe world I would love to be in.
Just having myself there just is not enough to go around for the home things, business. No me time....
2017 will be finding this at last.....
THanks again for your time.
TerryLee
www.Music4Winds.com

Actually, we're all alone...it's just that some don't know it yet!

Love your dialogue, Derek, and the way you take time in your life to think on things...and share.

I was in a set up like this as well. My entire team being remote. I must say I missed having a white board, and the spontaneity of brainstorming.

Yup. But I like golf by myself too. Usually.

I have similar feelings. Much of my work engagement is through email, telephone etc... I do have regular human contact as well but the lion's share is electronic...

When I watch how my children (now adults) interact with their friends, I've become concerned at how much of their interaction is indirect... ie: electronic... as I worry about their emotional development as well as whether they learn conflict resolution skills.

Is this the next social revolution on the scale of the industrial revolution?

Yup, I get that! It's along the lines of my being an outgoing introvert. :)
Thanks for your work!!
Tammy

Derek, great article mate.
I love my alone time (exercising or learning) and it helps me to get the most out of my daily goal of helping someone every day!
I really liked Suzanne McDermott's comment about relationship in our communities. These are very special. It is all about the ratio of alone time and people time for me. Thank you for sharing your thought and for your incredible ability to engage and provoke thought!

geriatrics pioneered this a long time ago dude

=)

Wow--thanks for sharing this! Your point about how being social through email takes energy that needs to be replenished with some alone time really hit home. Now I have a better new way to explain this to the wonderful people I live with.

I worked a customer service job for 23 years. I used to service and repair office machines so most customers I called out to were upset due to equipment breakdown / faults. As part of my job it was equally if not more important to fix the customer as well as the machine. By the time end of business Friday came along depending on how the week had been all / most / lots of my pleasant / social demeanour had been used up. Some solitary down time over the weekends was essential to preserve my humanity / sanity. So I can empathise with your circumstances. Keep taking the cure and keep smiling to avoid personal burn out.

Cheers and all the best for 2017

Laurence

Love the article, Derek. It's a great life to live for introverts. May I know how do you balance the current affairs consumption and the solitary socialite life?

It's something I always have struggles with friends who would blame me not knowing much about the current affairs. Or you just don't give a shit about this?
Oh fuck current affairs. I go out of my way to not hear about current affairs. The less, the better. I feel bad for people who keep up on current affairs. Pity your friends. ☺ — Derek

Hey Derek! I can understand the feeling of being social all day when it's just myself sitting alone, answering emails from others. Thanks for posting this and it's a great read my friend! So glad you decided to share with us all. Keep up the good work man and the alone time, although, you are never truly alone :)
I can't wait to see what you'll invent in 2017 and thank you for inspiring me for many years!

I too am a solitary socialite. I live alone in a studio apartment in a beautiful city and work over the internet communicating with people locally and across the globe everyday. My boyfriend lives in another country and we've kept our 4-year-old relationship going over VoIP calls, messages and twice-a-month visits. I've felt love and connection with friends and family for years living this way, so geograpiphically far away from them all. It's what you convey in the bits of communication that matters, the love and intention in those text messages and skype calls. I say I love you more often to all of them now than when we were living together or in close proximity. Everyone is just as much a part of my life and just as important to me as if They lived next door.

Totally not self indulgent!

People come to your site to read about you and your thoughts and by the looks of it, a lot of folks can relate to your "solitary socialite" moniker.

I think it's the BEST way to socialize. Not only is it intimate and instantaneous, but at the same time allows you to keep folks at arm's length. You can quickly wrap up an exchange as "I need to pick up X at the store" or "I've got a call coming through, speak soon!"

(Just make sure you then don't jump on a social media account with a messenger as you might see your friend there - this would be the online equivalent of saying bye to someone in real life and then you both end up walking in the same direction)

Added bonus is you can do it in your undies, don't have to shave, sit in your favorite chair and pretty much do whatever at the same time.

Thanks for the insight Derek and don't ever think your audience doesn't want to know how your sausage gets made (<---- Take that in the spirit it was intended!)

Thank you for articulating that. I have
been noticing that there is a
sense of connection and
relationship to others when interacting
on social media. I'm leaning towards
that these connections are becoming
more in the energy patterns of
the one consciousness; that there exists
a spirit connection beyond my use of
these devices. That's as far as I've gotten
in being able to articulate this.

Great service to humanity Derek, May Allah bless you in Abundance ☺

I can so relate! Thank you for normalizing this shared experience. I love the phrase solitary socialite. With over 25 years as a performing artist, 10 years teaching at a University - people just assume am a socialite - and yet - give me good ole one and one interaction in person - on the phone and I'm in heaven. I love this! Thanks and welcome 2017!

A couple of thoughts; some obvious
- Take care of your-self. By this I mean, connecting the way you do is great; having effect on many people; many 1:1, etc;..and.. I believe a person also needs self-care. Holing up or having alone time is one way of getting it. It sounds like after a day of being in conversation, being interactive; allowing your-self alone-time allows you to integrate all you learned from the day and integrate it all with your self's "tone".
- Once re-toned, a re-tuned 'Derek' is ready for what is next. Consider: Part which helps me is to get together physically with folks. I believe there is an energy which is re-vitalized when physically in the presence of others one cannot get through email, phone calls, etc. Some need this a little more, some a little less. Your mileage will vary.
Be well. Keep going.

Maybe I should email you....LOL
Thank you for sharing. I love it.
It is a strange life, but I can feel how you like it.
Actually, I think I would like it too.
In my past, I spent large parts of day and night responding to emails.
It made a lot of things happen.
I didn't have much time to worry about what else I should/could be doing.
I miss it.

Hi Derek! For luck i know quite well english language to get to know blog like this where there is the possibility to speak ?! (better to write) about these interesting arguments. There is a good chapter of the book written by Ernie Zelinski “ 101 really important things you already know, but keep forgetting” that says”……if you can be happy only with others and not alone, you are not a very happy person”. In this chapter the author, but I completely agree, tells that if you are alone with your own interests (playing an instrument, writing, painting, reading ecc.) you are in a good company and, therefore, you are only physically alone. I add each hobby that you have is a good friend . Keith Richard’s grandfather when he presented to his nephew his first guitar he said “…..a person who learn to play an instrument has a friend more”. Bye

Derek, I can relate to this - just didn't realize what I should be called.
Now I know: Solitary Socialite.

Dude, you seem to always create quality content. Thanks for being who you are.

A good conversation is a savory proposition! You are a lucky person a lot of the time. The even harder thing to find is someone who loves music in a deep way who will have a conversation about it and give you energy to get right back at the most difficult undertakings! The 1 in a million music conversation artist is a rare thing. When you find them don't waste the opportunity!

I enjoyed this post Derek. I spend so much time interacting with my students that I need time for myself sometimes on the weekends. Friend's tease me that I'm being "anti-social"....

Hey
Interesting analysis. It sounds like after all these years of success you are chilling and taking account.Life is short & we lost alot of great people this year- so stay safe. Cool runnings and good to hear from you.Im going on the road soon - its hard work and it doesnt pay tremendously- I have to turn my home life upside down to make it happen but Im grateful to get to see old friedns and meet new ones while I try to stay healthy and and access whatever music God has left inside of me.Thanks for all you've done for us. Peace and Happy New Year
Love Kim

Would love to catch up with you soon Derek. It's been a long long while.

Do you have a decompression ritual to shift from one focus to the next? Clearly you, like I, are an introvert. Get the personal time you need in to completely disconnected to recharge your batteries my friend.

Looking forward to catching up.

:}

Merry Christmas Derek

Man really knows himself when he is alone. Without a time on his own the man misses a big part of his perception.

This is quite an interesting take always wonder why I'm spent after spending time on the phone.
I have being a solitary socialite all along.

Thanks Derek,

All the best for 2017 for You and Your family
Audio-Rarities
J.P. van den Wittenboer
(Jan)

This article describes exactly what is happening in the real world that we are often unaware of the fact that we are one of those solitary socialite😊

Funny you write this, I've started my company completely alone and spend hours in my lounge emailing clients, calling potential clients, answering emails from my book ( I was so inspired by your process of personaly answering emails I added my email address to the end of my book so I too can be of service) and then when people see me for a few hours a week that I am not at work they are surprised how tired I am of "socialising" - ha ha ha .. so thank you for explaining it so eloquently. 'Now instead of answering the question I can simply direct people to this piece 😉

Hi Derek, I love your blog and posts. It is great that you keep in touch with everyone by email and I know it is rewarding for you and them. I understand that our world has changed in the way we connect with others. I do find it sad that people do not engage in face to face conversations as much. Even though we think we are connected by email, text, and social media our society has never been more disconnected. Even some of the replies to your post say they just don't like to talk to people face to face. Even a 5 minute exchange face to face with a stranger is a way to engage. Wishing you all the best in the new year ! Thank you for new insights and inspiration !

In my work I spend virtually all my time with people. My attention and responses are required. Outside of my work my friends sometimes say they don't have enough of me. My children, though adults now, I think have not had as much of me as I would have liked.

What I have learnt is that I get peopled out and crave time on my own. Sometimes to the detriment of my personal relationships.

Working from home, once every couple of weeks, helps. However, my job is about people. I am Head teacher of a large primary school. Over 800 children, over 100 staff and of course parents. To do my job well I have to work closely with everyone to build positive relationships that gel the team and community.

Whether the contact is in person or not, when your attention is being given to others, you are with people.

Being alone is precious, healing and refreshing.

If only you could arrange for Neil Diamond's solitary man to play in the background while people read this. I enjoyed it and I loved how you pointed out that the solitary socialite has been there all along.

This is so very true Derek,sometimes we do feel the need to be alone even after what seems like a chatty day (as it would be viewed), time to recharge, reflect and ponder is good.

Great to hear from you again, wishing you a happy holiday season, a happy new year when it comes and of course every success in the future and that you find an amazing home in Singapore

The best conversations and friendships are those which are nurtured one on one. Some of us are surrounded by people who we interact with every day at work for a few minutes at a time and still feel like a solitary socialite. Thank you for your blog that inspires people to live the life that gives you the most happiness. Even if that means thriving on being an introvert.

Right, the quality of our online interactions is determined by the quality we ourselves bring to the table. Still love to interact in 3D though! It's not an either/or thing. Being alone and not online is the inspiration space necessary to interact fully again. It's ebb and flood.

i have since become a Dystopian artist and musician basing my new work on the Apocalypse of phrases i have said many times in the past and bring the words out in art

Close the blinds
its parched for miles
no space left in the sky

i will conduct remote viewing elimination on whoever is responsible for the raising climate and destruction of the world.

music set list for exhibit at holly well

Freshly composed soundtrack inspired of scientology Blake 7 theme (starship superior to the of star trek)
Presence of the lord by Eric Clapton intro sung by who ever

If drummer agrees to stay well prob do something else...

exhibit/ launch of Star gates paintings of

End God Star (s

and a poss collaboration with a secret artist Send star God

Anagrams based on my address as in divination

oh dear typing error

science fiction- not scientology- although my prediction is they will join with the red cross and become just red cross.

Ironically i have met one of r.hubbards adopted children 25 years ago and he was leaving the cult..inthose days there was no internet so was a lot of paranoia.My friends were studying journalism in london an di was staying at their house when he called round-some of the students were from East grinstead ..that is why- no i have no dependance or any cult or sect and curtail any leadership of any kind or Oracle. Just myself who before birth was a victim of a fatal car accident hence having a sixth sense connected to foreseeing catastrophe on epic scales

This is a bit like me too! Suits me fine :)

I understand completely!!!

Hi Derek,

I work as a Producer for a digital production company. My work days are really long and are spent communicating with the team and clients through email and messaging platforms. At the end of my day, my decision making abilities and my desire to have face to face interactions with family and friends are extremely low.

I previously spent almost a decade working in hospitality. Going from a very personal interaction with people to a predominately online interaction has also shown me what it feels like to be social but alone.

I'm glad to hear you enjoy the online interaction, wish I could say the same ;)

Thanks for sharing,
Vanessa

Interesting take Derek. I think you just helped me feel less guilty about being so productive from home and not prioritizing social aspects of my life in the last year. Reminds me of the quote, to make progress, you must first go unbalanced.

I've thought about you and your virtual life. Now you've sent us something confirming my suspicions. Time marches on and its best to try to adapt to the new forms of communication. Personally I struggle with my virtual life and consider it an adjunct to my real life. I try to keep it to a minimum so as to keep human contact a priority.

What does alone time consist of? Meditation, Reading, Sudoku?
That's a question you need to ask yourself, not me. You can do whatever you want. ☺ — Derek

Could relate a lot when I am in Recruitment Consulting with heavy engagement in connecting the dots. Socially so invigorating indeed all the time of knowledge exchange and learning more .. rather understanding. Meeting more people over the internet with Video Conference across continents

Yet enjoying the privacy in the physical world. Not required to get validated by the " crowd "

Interesting time

Derek, Happy New Year!

I'm so glad you did decide to send an email alert about this posting after all...the topic is timely and trenchant. The "Age of Aquarius" is not merely New Age blather; Aquarius is the ruler of all things electronic, as well as group dynamics and behavior. The Aquarian mindset (of the times we live in, that is, not "what's your sign?") is comfortable interacting with the collective, but with individuals, not so much. Hence, we are starting to see how our electronic devices both help and hinder one-to-one intimacy.

You've found an electronic way to make personal connections with huge numbers of people; that's pretty cool in my book. I also applaud your recognition of the fact that cloud interactions require just as much energy and focus as those that occur in the flesh...IF we intend them to be meaningful, that is. Finally, taking all the time you need to be truly alone is a gift. You are putting yourself at the top of your to-do list by spending quality time with yourself.

What a timely post! A great reminder that the pleasure of my own company is always to be treasured, and also that social interactions can take many satisfying forms. :) Infinite thanks Derek!

(P.S. reading the comments is as illuminating as your post – so I am REALLY GLAD you emailed us about it. I really enjoy your thoughts. Thanks again!)

Nice observation and photo. Crows and ravens are highly intelligent problem solvers and very social. Had only the crow/raven been sitting on a telephone wire! That would have been the perfect compliment to your story.

Best, Mike
Yeah that photo was meant to be a telephone wire. Sitting alone, but “on line”. — Derek

This method in which you socialize has a massive impact on people's lives. You give a lot to people (myself included). I hope we give you a lot in return too, in inspiration, insight and positivity. Thanks and happy new year!

Yes, as a business owner of my American Sign Language (ASL) Tutoring/Mentoring/Evaluating business I am on the computer daily, mostly one-on-one with individuals. By the time I am done working - my long distance friends (I just moved to a new state so I don't know too many people here in Ohio) and I am not in the mood. Sometimes it takes days and then when I feel that I miss them, then I'll get on my videophone (I'm Deaf and VP is our phone these days) and chat face to face with far away friends or even local folks who can't bother to drive 15 minutes to meet me half way at a coffee shop. I often go to a crowded popular coffee shop to read a book just to be around living bodies.

I'm the same way. Only wish I had more time. Really enjoy your articles, my friend! Wishing you a Happy New Year as well.

Left me feeling so many emotions. Thank you for sharing insight into your life

You are an introvert. Introverts spend energy engaging with others. Extroverts gain energy engaging with others. The type of engagement is not important. Knowing this helps you replenish your energy. Introverts recharge when they are not engaging with others. Extroverts drain energy when they are alone.

I totally get it. Thank you so much for sharing this, Derek. xo.

Your friends are probably concerned that you are not getting enough hugs!
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts so generously.
Have a happy New Year !
L

Have you seen 'Le Tout Nouveau Testament' of Van Dormael ?
(It's satire and I know you do 'good' answering all those emails but I had to think of this one for some reason) Thanks for sharing.

Sounds like you are a bit on the lonely side of life
for right now.
Remember E-Mail is not the same as voice mail or even video

GOOD LUCK
Keep us posted let us know how that is working for you
A Friend in Gospel Music
Remember the word says man cannot live by Bread alone
But Only By the Word of God/ say a little prayer when alone couldn't hurt
Blessing Connie // Great to Hear from you Listen to Music it is so comforting

Hey bro. Have you read "get up" by james a. Levine published by palgrave macmillan?
Converting office and home to a stand up zone would be a revolutionary act. Have you tried?
I work at a standing desk, yes. — Derek

Derek, this describes me exactly. All day I sit and answer emails from coaching clients, responses to my free email courses on training and nutrition, comments on the site. I feel like I've been connected all day with the world and I find myself wanting alone time too.

Haha, I thought it was just me that felt this way. Thank you for sharing.

- Andy in Tokyo.

You're a motivational and supportive individual Derek. Always appreciated when you write back with thoughtful advice or a thank you!

VERY APPLICABLE TO MYSELF AS WELL AS A FOREX TRADER.
PLEASE KEEP REPLYING TO EMAILS
ROD
PRETORIA
SOUTH AFRICA

I feel like you've given so much of yourself that you've got every reason to move on from hear and you've probably answered some question's more than once over the years. Maybe some of the question that you've asked can be posted somewhere that your people can get the answers to when they type in the question that you've already got an answer for. I like the idea of growth and moving on growing to the next phase of life.

Sounds very familiar. Not in frequency (of contacts) but in the manner. Envisioning a world where nearly everyone is management literate and can be trusted with their own government - I have segmented my day because after I "exchanged thoughts" I need dedicated time to find solutions helping people to deal with uncertaincies and make the fear of it a ghost of the past. Massively social all day long, just staggered, in a "direct" & an "indirect" way.

"That's a question you need to ask yourself, not me. You can do whatever you want. smile — Derek"

Oh I know, I don't copy, but I just like to know about other people. Like the details in a painting or the counter melody of a song. I appreciate the art without becoming the art.

Spot on. Thanks for sharing.

Hi Derek
How often do you need to be around people?
Do you have a partner you live with?

I agree....in theory, going out with friends sounds like fun...but in reality, spending happy times alone can be even better!

Hi Derek...

It's been awhile...

You may want to check out Dr. Elaine Aron's website on 'HSP'... I discovered it just this year and found out why I always felt so different from everyone my entire life. You seem to have some characteristics of a highly sensitive person. Hope this info. is helpful. Let me know if you take the test and what the results are.

Happy New Year, my friend
Joyce Nelson Donovan

Hey...again...

After reading many of the comments it seems like there may be other 'HSP'S' among them.

Joyce

It's just nice to know that there are people out there in the world like you.

I hope you'll continue to blog, because I like to hear from your brain. Of course you might quit that one day too, and you have every right to, and the world / my world won't stop spinning but it's refreshing to read your thoughts. Thank you for sharing them.

Warmest regards,
Lisa

I just read you 'quit' post. I wanted to read more so I followed this link.

You have given so much to so many Derek.

All I can say is best of luck in your future endeavors, and know that your work has improved the human race :)

Hi Derek,

Thanks for this. Another great piece of your work.

On this last day of the year I am about to head into the forest for six hours of snowshoeing as a volunteer for the Gatineau Park winter patrol.

I so cherish this alone time after a week at the office.

Just wanted to send you all of my best wishes full of gratitude for the new year.

B

Thanks for sharing Derek! The power of the internet is amazing - that we can at once socialize, converse, delve into the lives of others - all from the solitary comfort of our home or office :) And thank you for doing so !

Share the same life, and, I love it and when those email/phone conversations turn to physical meetings via an event, one on one session, a hang out or just a passing moment, I savor that physical connection like it is the greatest moment on earth.

Grateful that we have so many ways to stay connected!

Ha! I believe you have coined a new title! I like So So for short.
There are a lot of So Sos out there I'm sure.
I find myself becoming one more each day.

Thanks Bro.

I feel the same

Derek,

Thank you for sharing.

Your musings, life, philosophy, style, podcasts and videos, have inspired me to take great leaps, to think big and enjoy more of the magic that life has to offer.

I wish you a magical new years and many many more fantastic years filled with joy.

All the best brother,
Diego Fuentes

Love this Derek I can relate being a bit of an International nuisance, a Kiwi who has lived abroad in the USA and Europe for years. I have a home in New Zealand and spend lots of time there. However I have close friends all over the world and due to good phone plans and the internet I can and do talk them daily and I love it. Solitary Socialite perfectly describes me. Thanks I love your musings.
Cheers

Thank you for this post, I can truly relate to it.
I have semiretired and am still recording and producing
but I live in an area that has very little opportunity
for me to find other classical performers to work with,
so I am finding myself counting the days to going East
to NYC and NJ to be with people I have worked with and
recorded with for over 25 years. I am fixing up a little
studio which we originally bought for some new goats my
vet gave us but they like their pen and refuse to leave it.
So I will put a second spinet in and use it as a studio,
some students that have inquired for voice lessons are
allergic and we have 6 cats. I am just about done producing
the 17 original song cycles of Max Kowalski, the holocaust
composer and now I am researching all the people who either
performed his music, many of which he wrote the songs for
and the poets that were chosen for the works. The book has begun.
This is a far cry from working with dozens of young people
teaching voice and repertoire at the Art School in New Jersey
for over 30 years. I am very silent for many hours daily and
for many hours I write the manuscript and check out the social
media scene and talk to my many cats, rabbit and two goats.
My husband and I do talk but I am happy when he goes out and sees
others because he is a very social person.
If I wrote and sang Country Western and folk music, I could be
part of the Arizona Cowboy scene but I tried and do not feel
comfortable with that genre. It is a slow climb to find people
I can relate to but one by one, I have found some musical soulmates.
It is hard to be a "stranger in a strange land."

I don't get it! The last thing I read from you derek is that you have given up answering emails....maybe I've read these things in the wrong order...but now I've read that you love this stuff, emails, one to one digital communication. Don't take this as personal or as hitting back, but I was wondering if you are feeling a little confused. No need to publish this...it's really a werid moment for me on a werid day (I've been crying all day after contacting, via whatsapp, my long lost cousin, who disowned me after I became a teenage single mum) I was curious; could you be at some kind of mid life crisis, when solid ground gives way and everything has to be rethought? If that's so....hang on in there! I've read some of your thoughts and I like the way you think...so just keep thinking....and please don't publish this...I'm just in a strange vunerable mood..take care

Hi Derek, isn't "solitary socialite" just another word for "introvert"?

Yep.

Hey Derek good one. Yes seems like a major challenge in the digital age to
Balance social and alone time. These days I'm a singer- songwriter but try to distance myself from the demands of promotion and performance while still developing relationships and tending to long time friends. But I backpacked for 40 years with a couple of great buds and sometimes just me and my dog or alone. Both fed me in different ways. I loved the silence and awe of nature while alone or with my four legged compadre and treasured the social values of exploring and interacting with my friends. Question as always -how to be in the world but not of it. Writing my high Sierra experiences into a book. (Including being struck by lightning. Nothing quite gets your attention re-prioritized like that. I try to remember that the world will use me up
If I let. it. Always grateful for your thought-provoking words Derek. Best Larry

"Solitary Socialite"... Sounds like a title of a book.

Having said that, this idea of being a solitary socialite sounds like a cool concept.

Derek, do you think you can get your "friendship and family needs" from ONLY e-mail and phone conversations? That is, without direct contact with people ?

This is a dream 'job' for me. I love people one on one. To be location independent. I hear you are based in Singapore.

I would love to meet and have a conversation one on one.

Cindi

I consider myself some what of a solitary socialite as well. I love interacting with others, and I feel like social media and email has made it so much easier to connect. Obviously that can be a negative thing at times, but we must adapt as the climate changes per se. I love your perspectives on life, some of them Ive held myself but have failed to voice, or put words into my mouth until I read it or hear it from you. I am an INTJ as well so a lot of what you say really resonates and makes sense to me. Anyways I was listening to Brene Brown's episode of Tim Ferriss' podcast this morning and I love how vulnerable you are. How you don't let shame ever win. Very inspiring.

Like a bird..
on a wire...
Like a drunk
In a midnight choir..
I have tried
In my own way

to be free.

RIP, Leonard Cohne

INTP — I know exactly what you mean! And honestly, I have a very hard time getting enough alone time; though I thoroughly love all my peeps!

More connected than ever or more withdrawn than ever. Strange times.

You just answered one of my emails today - thank you SO much for that. I will be back in touch as you requested. :)

I second this 'Solitary Socialite' thing. I don't mind it either, but I find incredibly strange...And so do my friends.

"Read the books that every one is reading; one will have the same thoughts that everyone is thinking".

JVC

I think that I think well only alone. I'm no good with telepathy (yet), but Ithink it's the case for everyone. Unfortunately, I think most people think well just before falling asleep, and I consider this time too short.

sounds like my life ...

living in your head

Dear Derrek,

I had no idea that you wrote to SO many people daily.

When younger and a believer in the good Lord, I never prayed to him because I figured he had enough on with all the billions of folks ceaslesslay praying that I would be just adding to his burdon.
(Yes, God's male. Didn't you know :) )

Now knowing that you are so exceedingly generous of your time I have the very same feeling.

So . . . I just wanted to thank you for the simple and kindly act of replaying to an email.

And not just for myself, but for all the folks who haven't qute realised what you do yet, and will one day be just as thankful.

Be well,
James

Alone time is good, sometimes.

Derek,
I feel you. I do it too. I love helping others all day long.

Solitary socialism has come with a costly tariff for me. I have become isolated and too self-absorbed in my downtime. I'm making a change. In a simile, just like your ashtray mints, the solitary socialite has to go. For now.

Thank you for being you!

This reminds me so much of my grandfather. I believe this quality is a mark of a writer.

He wrote the longest-running investment advisory column from the same person in known history. Every single morning, for over 50 years, he wrote daily remarks and advice to thousands of subscribers who listened. He would sometimes answer emails and engage with people in other ways, always remotely.

He spent each day reading and writing to people, mostly in solitude. Probably much like what you've been up to.

I think some of the brightest minds like to live this way. When asked what his work entails, Warren Buffet says he reads all day. Being a "solitary socialite" (read: communicating via writing) allows thoughtful people to imbue their communication with the most value.

Loved reading your book, and keeping up with your blog. Hope you write often.

Hey Derek, it's what you do, and who you are. Its either hell yes or no.

I find it odd that you think it's strange - dealing with people & ideas can be extremely tiring & very taxing. For me those moments of solitude are like those moments of deep sleep - it's a time for consolidating your thoughts. Or put another way it's like your downloading all the information onto your hard drive or USB stick & we know what can happen if we don't do it properly.

Hey Derek,
I just re-read this post and relate so much. I'm a deep conversationalist at the core and feel like I live the solitary socialite as well. Many people have tried to "change" me over the years and I'm so grateful to fully embrace it and let go of what others think I should be or do. Thanks, as always, for great words.

Carrie

Wish I could that. I am helping people to much. I volunteer with Hospice. Sitting with patient,s so family,s get a break. I am getting burned out. Want to ya

Sounds like a great gig to me. How can I get onnah those too? :D

Love this. Feel the same way. I call myself an 'antisocialite'. ...Listened to you on Tim Ferris' show today. Love your vibe. Keep it up Derek. :)

There's a different energy present in an in-person conversation versus a telephone/virtual conversation. When you're in conversation with an embodied person you sense their energy more fully than on the phone or virtually. And when you've finished a personal conversation you use a physical protocol of saying good-by, getting up from your seats and moving to different spaces. To end phone or virtual conversations you tend to make only small movements with your arms or fingers.
Maybe it would feel less exhausting and isolating if we actually stood up, moved about our spaces and interacted with other subtle energies like people, animals or even plants for a moment between conversations. Would that be a waste of time? It may be a small gesture but not a waste if it's worthwhile to move our bodies frequently and maintain perspective on the larger world outside our computer screens or away from our desks. I'm going to try it.

And thanks for opening this thoughtful conversation. It got a lot of people thinking and interacting in a variety of ways. Cool!

Back before digital, back when we said "space age," there was a warehouse full of video phones, gathering dust, that even millionaires were not buying.

It was cosmo editor Helen Gurly Brown, in her best selling Sex and the Single Girl, who said many ladies genuinely like having to worry only about their voice by using a telephone. I can relate.

I discourage a phone conversation only when I am going to be seeing the other party in person soon, "so we don't use up all our juice."

I'd like to share this quote, which I immediately thought of when reading this. :)

'Letter writing is the only device combining solitude with good company.'
- Lord Byron

---

Emails : Modern Letters with a Lovely Byproduct

If email is the modern form of letter writing, then in my opinion, it's the most future proof, empathic, and leisure medium of communication.

Whenever I find myself writing letters, I think of all the questions I want to ask this person. Curiosity naturally wells, or rather 'dams' up because there's no immediate verbal or written response.

Eventually, I inevitably talk about myself, to share my life succinctly, textually summarized with this other person.

To add to Lord Byron's quote ...
"Letter writing is the only form of communication that not only intrigues us to learn about the letter reader but also about ourselves."
Nice one! Thanks for adding that, James. — Derek

Hello James above, and others:

I have kept all my received real letters (and postcards) down the decades, and I have usually made photo or carbon copies of ones I send. In contrast, email seems almost as ephemeral as a newspaper. I hit delete.

One day I realized, and spent seconds paused in wonderment, that emails are not descended from real letters, with their gracious salutations, and involved sign-offs, but rather, from business memorandums sent in triplicate with no time to be unbusinesslike and leisurely. Complete with CC. (carbon copy) It's too bad.

I find that I still persist in writing longer emails than other people do... no doubt because I am still not used to this modern businesslike rush through life.... To me rushing feels like running downtown in my suit and tie in public: It's just not grown up or gentlemanly. Besides, I don't write to very many people.

The Gap Year for Grown Ups podcast pointed me here today. Also been reading Anything You Want again this week. Feels like serendipity that I ended up here. What a light bulb moment - I have been a solitary socialite for a few years now. As a natural introvert I did wonder why some days I'd be exhausted despite having not seen anyone. Makes perfect sense.
Don't worry about replying sounds like you have your hands full with your emails. Good for you!

When I was in inside-sales my office had very few people, most of whom weren’t that interesting to me, but were nice enough. What loved was taking the calls all day. Solving small problems and answering questions from different people from everywhere. Then I’d return home and be quiet before talking with any friends- Regrouping my parts. As a mother, being available “All the time” has been the most challenging part of parenting. Well, society says All- I want to say Half, and I do, to myself.

The solitary socialite reminded me that Johan Norberg told me recently about Republic of Letters:

"And back then, it was often Republic of Letters where your most innovative thinkers and engineers began to correspond through the new commercials postal system with people in other parts of the world and thereby accumulating more ideas and knowledge."

There's rather extensive explanation in Wiki: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Republic_of_Letters

History rhymes the means just change :)

Hmmm Hi!

I finished Anything you want last night and I like the idea to say hello, at least to thank you for the good time reading it. It’s good to read books from persons that are not properly writters but people that have done things. And specially the ones who share also their mistakes or not soo good decisions!

I decided to start reading this last summer, last book I read before this summer was 2006. I took a book on august and finished in semptember...
Diario de un Millennial. David Tomas. Easy reading book about a young guy (a millennial) starting to work as jounalist. No great conclusions but let’s you go till the end.
Then I stopped netflixing and 2 weeks ago I bought a kindle, awesome!

Since since then:

Show Your Work. Austin Kleon
Man's Search for Meaning - by Viktor Frankl

Atomic Habits. James Clear

Vivir y trabajar con entusiasmo. Victor Kruppers
Ets un merda i ho saps. Jair Dominguez
The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. Robin S Sharma
Qui s'ha menjat el meu formatge v2. Spencer Johnson
Anything You Want. Derek Sivrs

The One Thing. Gary Keller. 33% I stopped it when I saw your book.

You read most of them and I’m really not sure you can find in english the one’s that you don’t. But the one from Jair Dominguez is funnyInspiring one. Probably you’ll find it only in Catalan. Yes I’m Catalan //*//.

I started a sharing book activity in my company. We have a new HO department (Happy Office) ... I’m still not recognised as the happier company in Girona, but there we are! The HO department takes care of mind, body, and soul of people spending the day at my company. Btw www.asisgrup.cat, it’s in catalan but it’s a click from google translate to have it in english. We have 250 to 300 people working in services, mostly cleaning and elderly or disabled people. Sorry, coming back to book sharing, this friday the ones who want to participate do have to take a book for share, take one unreaded and bring it back on 30 December. We, i’ve covid let’s us, will go lunch somewhere and comment the readings. Good excuse to read and have fun.

I’ll keep taking a look for ideas at your site. Since first days of November, I became a youtuber, I have 19 follower, my grand kid (the first), my wife, some friends and acknowledges and 6 videos that probably don’t interest much people but I’m enjoying that time! I bought my domanin www.bartu.cat (my father named me bartu when I was kid).

Well, sorry for using you as a personal journal, I just wanted to say Hi! Thanks for the Book! Good notes taken! I’ll make my resume tomorrow and probably share some ideas like: “Delegate, trust, but verify”

Thanks I you are here now :D No need to answer, I’m allready fine with 1. Reading your book 2. Inspiring me for writting this email (I usually don’t do that...)

Take Care

Carles Martin

ps. sorry for my english, always getting better...

Thanks for this reminder. As the morning dwindled I felt for a moment that I’d done nothing - then said, hang on, I took in some meaningful information and started to untangle an value that doesn’t fit me, and I reached out by email to a couple people to have community with them. And I had coffee and tidied the kitchen! Now I need to be in my body and in the world for awhile.

Sivers, I cant thank you enough for writing Anything You Want. I am starting my own business in 2 weeks and this book may have changed my executing strategy forever. It's the best read I needed before starting on my own. I am going to read it again and again, take notes, print them, stick them onto the office walls and make some of them the company motto.

Thank you so much. Keep up the good work. :)

Peace be on you Sivers, Take respects from Bangladesh. I read the masterpiece "Anything you want". My philosophy make higher this book. I dream to be an Entrepreneur.

Thank you so much. If you will answer me, I will grateful to you.

Yes, like you!
I have not seen an author who replies to the readers’ comments regularly.

Surprisingly, I am experiencing the authors’ communication! I write review about a book I read that day on my instagram, and the author likes and even comments on my post! I started this just three days ago, and I like how you guys communicate with the readers.
I want to be social by being alone just like you.

감사합니다. 책 잘 읽고 있습니다

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