The mirror: It’s about you, not them.

VERY timely post my friend and you are dead on. Meeting heroes is always a weird thing. I really like your level headed approach to it all.

I agree. When one puts as much time in on his music as say, Michael Jackson, one has to neglect other things. This leads to very lopsided personalities. We can appreciate the good things people have to offer and overlook their flaws. Trying to find the hero's clay feet is about making excuses for one's own inadequacies.

Clay feet? I like that! Never heard that before. — Derek

I think this is a great way to go about life. Being unfettered by one's own personal judgments allows for the ultimate benefit from human contribution & its application. It's really God's business to sort out the rest.

Great advice. It reminded me of when I had backstage passes for the first time (many moons ago). At first I was jacked up but after chatting with them, I thought, these guys really aren't that special - to put it nicely. Although I still dig their tunes, I couldn't believe I thought so highly of them. I forgot why I was even nervously excited about meeting these people. To this day I consider it a great lesson and confirmation of something my dad always told me, "they take a s**t the same way you do."

Totally agree, Derek. Same with my feed reader - helps me to focus on the content, not the presentation or the source - pure thought to reflect upon.

Hi Derek, Thanks for all you do in reminding us all of truths and encouraging people to follow their dreams, and the practical side to making things happen.

Jason

I am so very glad you made this point.

As an extension of this, I think if more artists understood that it's not about them and rather about others who are kind enough to care, maybe there would be less ego, less insecurity and much, much more art in the world.

xxx

Hi Derek! Timely and oh so very true. My minister always talks about weeding our own garden. We sometimes get so very distracted trying to fix another, when the work really starts at home. Change your attitude, change your reality. Peace on earth begins with peace in the family. How do you get along with those close to you? Do you treat the ones you love with consideration and respect, or take them for granted? It all begins when we wake up in the morning and take that first look into the mirror of our own life. Indeed. And blessings to MJ for a song that is eternal.

Derek, that may be the best piece of advice that has ever come across a computer screen. Seriously! Even look past through history - like people like Churchill, Ghandi, Newton, Aristotle, DaVinci, etc. didn't have their own enormous flaws.

People want to be cynical and find a flaw in anything great so that they don't have to take a look at their own s*@t. And it makes for a handy excuse as to why they can't seem to do anything or get anywhere.

Of course, I'm really just talking to myself in this regard. Great post, man!

Just wanted to say what a great point. Thank you. It makes sense to me, but never heard it actually put so well. We are only responsible for our own story, and what we do with what we have, than get wrapped up in what's right or wrong with how someone else is living their life. If we can use or be inspired by what someone else has done or created, that is a good thing!

OOo, nice post DS! it's the cup-half-full thing isn't it. Some people, no matter how much they have (in this case knowledge) will self-sabotage because they get distracted by the empty half of the cup. If you have been blessed with retaining what you need, don't shoot the messenger.

Thanks again DS for the food for thought :) When you eventually get to Australia...look me up!

Very timely in that Michael Jackson just died and so many have mixed feelings about his personal life, though no one doubts his musical gifts, talents, and message of love, peace, and tolerance. It really is about us and not about anything else but our interpretation of, and reaction to, our environment.

OK, I am going to check out in the Jungle Groove. Thanks for the reccomendation.

PS

You are right.

It's ALL ABOUT ME!

ME, ME, ME, MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

......And the sooner everyone realizes this, the happier we will all be!

(sigh)

Glad I got that off my chest. :)

I never want to meet you Derek...

If this is a tentative confession, you'd still be fasinating and you'd probably get as many high fives as dirty looks. Tax evasion isn't murder with malice aforethought.

Beauty has often been viewed as deceptive or confusing.

If knowledge can only enhance our appreciation of something and if we respond to art with all 5 senses and then reflect, we should then, as you say, select what we like and disregard the rest. Should. But I would feel a tinge of regret every time I wiewed a painting that fascinates me if I knew the artist had a tragic flaw that detroyed his life; respect if he struggled with his demons; and real sadness if he had appeased them remorselessly.

I'd have trouble using a technique that was peculiar to an artist who had murdered 50 people. One in a passion? Maybe, depending on how much I really admired that technique.

Gen

Nice!You published your notes on the book!

I recently saw Frank Black come to town and perform with his new band, Grand Duchy. After the show he and his wife sat down outside the venue and were the coolest - taking pictures with fans, signing autographs, etc.

I just sat back, smiled and watched. My girlfriend could not understand why I couldn't just go up and shake his hand, get a picture, etc. She figured it was just my shyness, etc, which is partially true. But in my mind, what do you say to the lead singer of the Pixies, whose music shaped so much of my young adult life? How do you say thank you for the range of emotions and thoughts he helped generate and inspire in me? I thanked him by attending and applauding his show, whistling and yelling for an encore. But I couldn't bring myself to meet him. I know him so well already through the music - and that's all I really need.

Great post Derek, a lot of the times it seems as though you are word everything I feel but can't quite explain. Very cohesive piece and I'm slowly getting into the habit of doing that outside of my music.

It's also the same with marriage. So many people believe that we have a better half out there, but I don't believe that. I strongly believe that you can not be happy with someone else until you learn to be content within yourself. The other "half" should only bring out and highlight the best qualities about you and vice versa.

Nicely written, Derek. Learning about the life of an artist can be quite eye opening.

But I do disagree with what you wrote, in some respect. I think this is excellent advice for those without patience and without self control and who are not happy with their own artistic output.

Only recently have I gained patience, knowing that it takes a LONG time for me to come out with an end product that I am happy with. It is the process that is so appealing to me. It is the daily enjoyment I get from creating.

Ripping the cover off of a book is something of a band-aid for not accepting the truth and where it comes from. For me, to truly have a grasp on magic, you must learn and accept what's behind the curtain.

Plainly put, I enjoy learning that my heroes have flaws. Yes it has tainted their art, but it has built more confidence in my own.

Most of the very successful people I know are failures in one or more other aspects of their lives. People are human, not the "superhuman" caricatures we often make them out to be, when we have to fill in the blanks ourselves.

Wouldn't it be wonderful...to live in a perfect world...where everyone only focused on the good?

Ain't gonna happen.

Regardless of how many self help books you read, names you remember, or how badly you would like to change human nature, we will always be an imperfect social animal.

Reminds me of some years back when I went to hear Shawn Colvin. I admired her work. My date was invited somehow to go backstage and meet her. I didn't go. Partly because I couldn't imagine why she'd care to meet me, and partly because on stage she seemed a little crazy. I still admire her work and I still don't care to know anything about her personally. If someone offered to introduce me to Bob Dylan, I'd probably feel the same way, only more so.

In regard to the "social mirror" referenced in one reply, I have said this before and will repeat it here:

"Be careful not to define yourself according to the social mirror... it came from a funhouse."

:)

Oh and Carlis, he's really cool, so no worries about meeting him.

;)

- Noel

This blog title reminds me of Michael Jacksons 'Man In the Mirror', which has sold amazingly the last week. I like the story about ripping off the cover picture of the author because 'Getting Things Done' was about you not him. Rock on!

Thanks for the post Derek. I find myself critical of "success" stories too often. I don't think it's because I am trying to find reasons to ignore the advice. I think it's the logical nature of my brain. For instance, yes, Tom Williams persisted and showed a unique desire to climb quickly into business. Yet I look at his issues with failed relationships and troubled business dealings and wonder, in the long-run, did it get him where he really wanted to be? Would it have been better if he were not in such a hurry to grow up? Would he have been better off taking his time to learn the ropes at a pace and age that seem to have proven to be a natural approach over time? It just seems natural to wonder.

The challenge I'll take on myself is to not let the wondering about those questions obscure the lessons to be learned and the examples of changes I can make in my life.

Just some random thoughts after reading this-The saying "Be yourself" should really be, "Be your best self". Possibly followed by "...all the time or as much as possible."

To love the music of James Brown, you could be appreciating the best of him, but maybe seeing another side would make it even more beautiful.

I understand the "getting the most out of it for me" perspective, and think things get 'gossipy' when we don't appreciate somebody's hardships or challenges as much as their obvious accomplishments. Overcoming hardship is after all an accomplishment.

Viva James Brown!

Exactly: If they are a screw-up...Why should I follow their advice on anything?

That mindset has kept me out of a lot of trouble...ha-ha. Hmm...Maybe it's time to give a little. (?)

Still...a screw-up is a screw-up. A fool is a fool. Who is the greater fool? The fool...or the fool who follows his advice?

Not calling anyone specifically a fool. Just saying that you do actually have to have some caution when considering anyone's advice...on anything...these days.

Everyone contributes whatever they can,and it is what it is, and we should just appreciate what they do.

Never mind that someone else may be able to do it, better, or worse.

It still is what that person can do, and they try as hard as what they call the great, so they deserve to be treated kindly, and helped to become better, if that is what they want.

I think we are always trying to compare to much, instead of just appreciating something for what it is.

Funny but whenever I find out a person's flaws, it always makes me think that if they can do it, then I can. I'm no more or less flawed than anybody else... probably.

And where does evil genius fit into this picture (for Peter Cooper)? One might also ask where does righteous genius fit into the picture? Is it wrong to even ask the question?

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, tell me if it's about them or me. Good post, Derek, although I find it so paradoxal with the advices of making any approach as human as possible with, for instance, a picture (like on your site). Life is rather paradoxal anyway. Thank you for those always inspiring posts.

When I was 12 years old I worshipped one of the greatest rock and roll guitarists of all time and saved up all my pocket to go and see this great hero of mine. Being in awe of this musician, I decided to go to the venue as early as I can so I could meet my hero. I waited for hours at the back door of the venue and finally my hero appeared surrouned by an entourage of people. Having bought all of his LP's, I expected to be treated special so I ran up to him only to be brushed aside like a piece of toilet paper. I was so devastated I could not even see his show that day and went back home completely dejected.

From that day onwards I learnt the great lesson you are talking about, that it is not the person one should worship but what the person has produced which attracted one to the person in the first instance regardless of the character of the person.

The second lesson I learnt since that day is: I have never worshipped another HUMAN BEING.

Nice approach.
Great Post.

Same applies to voting:
the results give us more information about the voters than what they are voting for...

"what matters is what I get out of their work, not the person that made it."
"It was never about them. It's about you."
i like that..
it makes sense.. no one is perfect, and its easy to judge and disregard words of wisdom,
no one truly knows a person, and if you judge its a reflection of yourself, through your eyes, but if you listen it can expand your perspective.

Thank you Derek!
I really share you your vision and experince. Many times I though of writing an article about writers photos displayed on the back cover of their book. I was scared to be informed one day that the publisher is thinking of displaying my photo on one of my books. I always prefer a saying or a short sentence insted.

It is always about us.. not them. The writers write and we choose the meanings.


Have a nice reading!

Can You say Tiger Woods?

Good point, thank you for reminding!

Humans are my heroes. Seeing them persevering and succeeding in some small way with all their flaws hanging out and with the limited tools at their disposal allows me to forgive them their humaness. The day my father failed as the god I perceived him as when I was a small child was the day I turned angry at the world. They day I forgave him was the day I forgave mankind for its smallness and truly understood how fortunate we are to not be perfect. The Greek gods were forever jealous of man. I heard an interview with Phil Collins just yesterday where he spoke of the pain of his divorce. The interview was not about him but rather the pathos that derive from failed relationships and how music speaks to the loss. The interviewers comment was that with Phil's failure there would have been a minor jazz fusion drummer named Phil Collins known to a few fans. Because he was flawed he became Phil Collins.

The thing is, that everything you do impacts you somehow. You become what you think of and constantly does.

I believe some people are weary of copying "bad" peoples actions thinking they can be a little like them. "How you do one thing is how you do everything". This can be overstating it, but there might be some truth to that worth noticing.

If Tim Ferriss is a bit cocky, than maybe if you follow his advice you'll get a bit cocky as well, so that's something to keep in mind. You can still learn much from them, but keep in mind they might lead to this, they're not perfect and contain principles, thoughts, prejudices sometimes. There is no such a thing a neutral point of view.
Our actions are not so isolated, so the way you memorize facts may have something to do with your alcoholism. (Love Tim, read his books and listen to his Podcast all the time, love your interview with him!)

In his amazing book "The Art of Learning" Josh Waitzkin speaks a lot about lateral learning, how he learned chess from tai chi for example. He also speaks of a time he was in a chess championship in Hungary, homesick, and analysing his moves afterwards he noticed he was having a hard time with his transitions in the game, just as he was at that period in his life (breaking up, away from home and friends...).

But I love your thoughts on that. One should never avoid learning or listening to someone just because they don't like the person. They should dig deeper into precisely what facet of their character they don't like, and see where, how (and if) this presents itself in the advice this person is giving. There is always something to learn from everybody.

Just found this article through your link in your latest post.

I ripped a cover off of a book too, I wanted the book not the author's face or the fluffy graphic design on the cover.

This would be a great article to have in your book, Hell Yeah, or No.

Best,
Pamela

Hello,
As for using negative reactions as an excuse, for me a good "hack" is to replace envy with admiration.

As for idols, I don't live in California, but I've long thought that if I did then I would surely avoid conversing with any TV actor who had played a character I liked, especially if they died on screen. (Like Amy Acker)

Building on Steve S. at # 23, the metaphor just gets better: (as best I recall) The statue—which may have been an idol—had a head of gold and a chest of silver, meaning: People can fool you, until you get down far enough.

...Truly, I like Ron Greenman at # 50 saying, "The Greek gods were forever jealous of man."

I was quite strongly of this view for many years. When someone would ask what publication an article appeared in, I would say, "Who cares? It's the ideas that matter." More recently I've felt that humans do have biases, so it can be useful to know what those biases are. You should not therefore dismiss them out of hand, but you should be aware, especially if there's some kind of vested interest in a view.

An example would be a scientific study funded by a company that produces a drug. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't read the study, but this is a case where knowing what lies behind it can be useful. Just as it's important to take good ideas from all sources, it's also important to be critical about where a view has come from.

I agree that prejudice against an author based on preconceptions is prejudice. I feel it's important to read serious works by those who hold diametrically opposed views to us, and also not to be prejudiced based on some imagined critical consensus, but of course we cannot do this exclusively, and understanding influences can be useful context.

Ah, the "should's." Some folks think they "should" dislike the art of anyone who is dislikable. Or "should" dislike any music that was enjoyed by Stalin or Hitler. Not me.

My own perspective is informed by the days I spent in Italy looking at art from the renaissance, art recent enough that I could seek out the historical records of those who financially supported the great artists—you know, the artists who the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are named after.

I left the history books untouched. Yes, maybe the Borgia family used poison. But "this too shall pass." The art is eternal, from the muse, beyond our common clay. So yes: What Derek said.

Hi Derek, I shared the link above with my son (who responded, "I saw that and loved it! Smart guy. Great concept.") You wrote, "it was important to me to remember that what matters is what I get out of their work, not the person who made it." Indeed! I'm 82 and sometimes ponder how much my life will have mattered after my body becomes scattered molecules. I couldn't help but translate your words to "what matters is what others may get from my life, not from 'my me'." I like that.

As for India being very different now from what it was when I lived on the Subcontinent, no doubt; but it's also an ancient culture wed to highly intelligent beings (think Rabindranath Tagore) that together have parented a high-tech generation. Now there's a book for you to write! I want an autographed copy. 😊

Best regards!
Theresa

Merhaba Derek!
Hmm .. This entry hit home very hard. It invited me to question why I am even reading books, investigating different spiritual concepts, and experimenting. Actually, I am quite familiar with the phrase "it is the content, not the container that matters" from my own Teaching precepts,"YET realized I had treated it at the face value very superficially- never gave it a thought. I stumbled upon a large amount of vanity and misperceptions behind it and an aimless curiousty.
In another place the reader was asked whether you buy the canned product eg beans - chickpeas for the food or for the can. It seems like I prefer to "worship " the can or judging it whereas thr wise thing is yo discard it and make best use of the food inside.
I think I need to ponder over your article quite a while. It was very eye-opening. Thank you for all your genuine work and generosity.

Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from. Qian Zhongshu summed it up perfectly when he said, "If you like an egg, why bother checking out the hen that laid it?" It's all about the magic of the art itself, not the baggage of the artist.

I mean, have you ever been blown away by a song but then found out the artist had some sketchy past? Did it make the melody any less epic? Exactly! Great works are like universal languages—they speak to us directly, bypassing the messy human behind the curtain.

And don't even get me started on book covers. I'm the same way—rip that sucker off and toss it in the trash like it's a bad haircut. All I care about is the story inside. If someone tries to diss a book because the author has a DUI on their record, I'm like, "No offense, but your life isn't a goodreads review." It's like saying you can't enjoy pizza because the chef once burned their toast.

The truth is, we all have our flaws, but that doesn't invalidate the good we create. Just like how I still rock out to James Brown even though I dodged him like the plague back in the day. His music is a time machine; it's not about him being a perfect human, it's about him taking me on a wild ride through soul history.

So here's the deal: when you come across a masterpiece, chill out and let it work its magic. The world is too full of noise as it is—don't let the artist's drama steal your joy. After all, it's not about them; it's about what you do with those ideas once they land in your brain. Now go forth and embrace the art, eggs and all! 🎨📚💃