Beware of advice

(NOTE: I called some friends to ask for advice on this article while writing it.)

To quote Baz Luhrman's lyrics…

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

Good quote! Thanks for including that. Those lyrics were from Mary">en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wear_Sunscreen">Mary Schmich's essay: “Wear Sunscreen” — Derek

Oh and your comment made me laugh out loud. Thank you for that.

Wisdom yet again Derek! I've finally started practicing this once I recognized there was an element of giving away my power (voice/choice/opinion..) in seeking others 'guidance'. I''m also embracing challenging myself in new ways to grow, take bold leaps and continuing to learn.
Thanks for all you do my friend!

Love the echolocation bit...a killer whale can use it to locate a salmon or harbour seal hundreds of metres away & identify its shape, size & speed & then go catch it.

Echolocation is incredibly precise & useful, if ya know how to use it. (Especially when it's disguised as one way advice, instead of the two-way thing that it really is.)

Nice one, Derek!

As always, Derek, great writing, great article. I am glad you are sharing your experience with us.

RE: "they’ll give advice that’s really just a reflection of their own current situation."

I try to give a reflection of my own experience in addition to any other methods that I think of off the top of my head, and point out that I haven't personally tried those other ones.

Example: Someone recently asked me for advice on how to get your music in rotation on college and independent radio, given the huge number of stations that exist. There are really two roads for this, so I first gave them the avenue that I took, and then explained the other avenue to them, explaining the positives and negatives associated with each. I left it at that, letting them decide which road was best for them.

RE: "Here are the lottery numbers I played: 14 29 71 33 8. They worked for me!"

Lottery numbers are based on random luck. Strategies or techniques are not random luck. They're a series of actions taken that actually lead from one point to another. If a person gives you advice based on random luck, I would explain that to them and ask again.

This one resonated with me having just made a somewhat large decision to move to a new job/location. The category of advice I kept hearing was in the vein of "Living Vicariously Through You". This was along the lines of: "I always wanted to live in NYC and I would take that job if it were me!" or "That sounds so exciting! You should do it while you're still young!" The echolocation example is exactly what seemed to work best. Different friends can know different parts of you in better ways - maybe this is what makes that so useful, as they can offer advice around the pieces they know best. So nice to read it all in a well-written post and solidify the lessons. Thanks, Derek!
Great point about “living vicariously” advice! I'd never thought of that. Brilliant. — Derek

I was *just* going to ask you for book recommendations when this popped across my feed!

"Ultimately, only you know what to do". Truer words...

Great article, Derek!

The only advice I’ve given someone else that I can truly stand behind is this: above anything else, listen to yourself.

"Ultimately, only you know what to do, based on all the feedback you’ve received, and all your personal nuances that no one else knows."

Emphasis on 'personal nuances'.

Touche, Derek.

Ironically, you give great advice. You're pretty much my No. 1 biz/life 'guru'. I don't agree with everything you say. But I agree with a good 90% of it - at least, for me. Love your work, mate!

Holy buckets this was a good post.

Your writing always provokes thought, love reading.

Thank you.

Ah... great advice! hehe...(but, really, it is!)

We seek advice but we often have the answers ourselves, and just haven't asked the right questions.

Great point. I agree. Thanks for sharing!

Instead of the conventional "how are you?" and "what's going on in your life?" we could ask folks "what should I do about my job/kids/roof/health?" as a way to learn about how they're doing.

Teeheehee

Derek,

It sounds like the people in your examples are not being diligently empathetic of the questioner’s situation.

I believe it's possible to give (and therefore receive) good advice, but both parties have to put in the work.
The people in my examples are me. ☺ I'm quite bad at giving advice. — Derek

I'm always amazed by your ability to say so much with so little. Great examples do go a long way.

;D

I recently had a similar conversation with a friend who was seeking advice on a huge decision from several people. One thing that I would add is that the advice giver freely shouts advice at you because he doesn't have to suffer the ultimate consequences of the decisions you make.

Why do I think that's a goat?
As I am reading Fooled By Randomness, I am realising that successful people also had very little idea about how they got there. They worked hard, were randomly lucky too.

Excellent. As accurate as it can be. Anymore, I respond "What do you want to do"? When I get the answer I say, "Do that and see what happens. But don't do it halfway. Do the hell out of it or don't do it at all"

Hi Derek,
Last night I asked for advice in a private facebook group about a cover I created for a Kindle Book.
The comments ranged from - There is nothing interesting about the cover, to
- Yes I like these because they are unique.

I will read all the comments on my facebook post like an animal wearing sunglasses using ecolocation.
Best,
Pamela

Decision making is easy. Just make a decision and start implementing it. If it feels wrong pull out fast and make another. If it feels right see it through.

Only by trying to make it real will it become obvious of it is the right decision and most decisions can be reversed up to a point. The key is to commit then see how you feel.

I noticed you don't have a twitter share button. Do you mind if I share this on twitter with all 13 of my followers?

Regards,
Pete
Of course. Everything on my site is free and meant to be shared. I just don't like littering the site with corporate branding. I make easy short URLs (sive.rs/advice">sive.rs/advice">sive.rs/advice in this case) to make it even easier to share. — Derek

Not specific to this article, but I am so glad to see you posting again! I swear I find something helpful and sometimes profound in everything you post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

This is an excellent topic:

Derek what is the best advice you've received? And what specifically made it useful for you?

so true. Deep down we know the direction we really want to take and we don't really want someone to solve ALL of our problems...then what would we have left to do?! ;) But it seems as a quality of human nature to just want to reach out and converse, make a connection, include someone in our life. And sometimes the best advice they can give is just really listening, really understanding, and really giving you a good acknowledgment! Like"whoa bro, that IS a dilemma ya got there, i feel ya!...whattya think you should do about it....?" ;)

"****" - Evan Brand, Daily Review

He adds: beyond a secure home, all we need is food. 12 kinds of plates and loads of choices are superfluous distraction, er, luxury.

Couldn't agree more!!

My approach is to ask a series of questions (ex what is your goal, why is this an important decision, what are the advantages of A over B, etc) so that I can help them think deeper about their decision.

Advice seems to help the asked as much as the asker.

Thanks for another thoughtful gem.

Can I ask your thoughts on....... j/k

What a terrific little goat!

Have you noticed? Goats never ask advice but they are very good at observing their surroundings and adapting their actions accordingly. And, they are always very successful at being goats. Clever animals.

As you were saying, Derek, observing and sensing your surroundings, however you go about it, is always a good idea while figuring out what to do next.

Derek, have you read Seth Godin's post about making a list of things worth thinking about?

When I need advice about a girl, my career, life and happiness I make sure to think about it as deeply as I can. I'd look at books, Ted talks, podcasts and articles if time would permit but ultimately I'd understand that I am just responsible for my preparation, skill and effort and not success. That either happens or it doesn't.

I think this resonates with a question Tim Ferriss usually asks "What advice would you give your 20/30 year old self?" because thinking about what was really important back then forces you to question what really is important now.

Ricardo Semler mentioned in his TED talk that on one of his birthdays he was walking in the Mount Auburn Cemetery and he saw these tombstones of these wonderful people who had done great things and a question came to him "What do I want to be remembered for?". While on his second walk another question came to him "Why do I want to be remembered at all?". He then speaks about a practice which is ask 3 whys in a row and from 3 on wards you end up with variations of the question "Why do we exist?"

I think the goal is to ask questions and as Alain de Botton had said "to probe" at the possible answers and make sure that "they are our own".

Derek, your advice, your thoughts, your questions have helped me have the most meaning and the most happiness ever in my life. I am forever in your debt. Please feel free to call upon it if ever needed, in whatever form.

Thank you!

All I do is ask for advice. Advice on do I quit my business or do I push through. Even though I know only I know that any advice I get is only from the perspective of what worked for the person I'm talking to but I keep doing it. I've been writing about in my blog, hoping I can quite the voice in my head and gain clarity around what to do.

@Anthony: "So, best to offer no assistance or perspective as anything given is really just a reflection of self?"

An odd conclusion to draw, given Derek's echolocation analogy. Don't hesitate to give or receive advice (receiving isn't necessarily following), just keep it in perspective. Treat each piece of advice as a marker on a map of the situation you're drawing. Get enough data to decide on a reasonable course of action.

Fantastic insight on advice. When I talk to my mentees about advice, I advise them not to ask too many people for advice as it will fragment and distract them from figuring it out on their own.

Hi Derek, just a quick note to thank you for blogging frequently again. Your articles are a constant source of inspiration!

If you haven't already, I would suggest checking out Quiet Leadership by David Rock. There is some good discussion about the value of advice vs. coaching people to come to their own conclusions.

'Of all the vices in life, adVice is among the worst.'
~ I have no idea who said this

Reminds me of Larry Page's best advice being "study the link structure of the Web"

Depending on the person giving the advice, if he/she likes you they will try to give good advice, if they don't like you, they may give bad advice. Most people don't want you to become more successful than they are, because this makes them look bad. They may say " your talent is good at the local level but will likely fail on a world scale". Everyone is local to some where. Ambition is not always appreciated by those close to you, because it could become a wedge between you when you move on and leave them behind. There is always exceptions to this rule, those that are happy for you when you succeed, even if it is only to boast that they knew you when.

I truly believe, the law of attraction applies to success, what you think, feel and know you want and believe you can get to, and work hard toward each and everyday with the end prize in mind, it very achievable, but it requires belief in yourself and action toward the goal each day.

There will always be people that tell you you can't get what you want, they are always speaking from their own circumstance and view. Many of these folks are conflicted and have self sabotaging thoughts, emotions and actions daily that keep them from what they really truly want.

Just saying, do what you want to do, know you can do it, and visualize it all the time the way you want it to be, and work toward that happily and you'll get there...sometimes it takes longer than we like, but it always works.

Great points--astute analysis.

Awesome insights Derek! I try to get other people's opinions which I have a great deal of respect for, when I have to make a major decision, then I'll look at all of the pros & cons, carefully weighing out the potential outcome of my decision, then I will pray about it to ask for God's will to be done in the scenario, and then I follow my gut feeling and listen to my conscience!!!:-0~

Thank you. I always enjoy your deliberately uncluttered articles and comments.

I think sometimes when we really lack experience, it is natural to ask others with more experience or wisdom, whose insights might add to our collection of thoughts.

That being said, there is a terrible danger in being inadvertently negatively influenced by advice coming from outside you which could possibly water down your own gut instinct and self-confidence!

So. Receive with caution!

I think you could have gone on further with the last point, that only "you know what to do..." That rings very true for me, and now I need to muster the courage and confidence to stay with the game. ☺ Good stuff. Keep writing!

Good read again, Derek! - Thanx!

Kurt Tucholsky (a German-Jewish journalist, satirist and writer) once said:

"Das Gegenteil von gut ist gut gemeint."

In english this translates to:

"The opposite of good is well-meant."

:)

Assuming you ask friends for advice, they'll do the best they can, I guess.

In the end, though, making a decision is always up to one self.

Conclusion: Following the advice of somebody else should never be an excuse for your very own actions.

In this sense: Take care!

Cheers from Germany
Rene

Derek, I'm starting to think of you as the Benjamin Franklin of our day. Always incredibly helpful, and still very humble. Thank you so much!

I want to mention another really good book for help with making decisions:
http://www.greatdecisionsperfecttiming.com/

It's a non-woo-woo approach to decision-making using woo-woo things like the iChing and tarot. The author tells the funny and interesting stories of 1) how and why he started using those kinds of tools, and 2) the incredibly successful results he got.

"Echolocation": an extremely good metaphor, yes!

When I wrote to you for advice some months ago, Derek, it was in part because you had experienced something that we agreed was much like that which I was facing. In effect, we both knew that you were biased by your experience... and that was part of what made it so helpful.

That's the crux of it, though: only the asker knows the details of the situation, and only the advice-giver has experience (i.e. only the advice-giver knows what happened after making a decision in a situation that seems to bear some resemblance to the asker's situation).

Whew! What a confusing mess "getting advice" seems to be. But for all that misinformation and confusion, the system works out an awful lot of the time.

And indeed it did for me: I took your advice as one of several echolocation "pings" and then steered in the direction that seemed best, and sure enough, it's working out great so far. (And see also sive.rs/horses...)

I just wish I had had the echolocation metaphor handy at the time: it would have made it easier for me to assure the people giving me advice that I just wanted their honest and present thoughts on the situation, and that the responsibility for incorporating their stories into mine is mine alone. I think we all know this intuitively, but it's nice to be able to assure people in that way.

Zebra! Haha! That made my day 😂

Thank you for this post. I took too many people's advice a few years ago and turned my novel into Frankenstein's Monster. I totally destroyed it.
Thought I learned my lesson, but apparently now I'm doing it with developing speaking career.
I might have to paint "Ultimately, only you know what to do" on my bedroom wall.

This is so true.

After 23 years in the corporate world (newspapers) I set up my own business and sought the advice of many people whom I admired.

Some I admire less now. Not because of who they are but because of what they stand for.

Only you can decide what is right for you.

I love this quote from Bruce Lee...

“Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.”

Derek, I love that you put a name on a behaviour I know from myself when I'm searching for answers: echolocation. This term will be used a lot in the future ☺ Thanks!

Hi Derek,

Great article. Have you ever read "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert? Really good book. His advice (on the subject of advice) is: if you're looking for advice, ask someone who is actively and currently going through one of your options. Don't ask someone who chose one of your options last year, find someone who just chose that option. Should you quit your job? Find people who just quit their job very recently. One of the things Gilbert says is, humans are like grapes. Yes there are many different varieties, but you'll get most of the picture from the word "grape". So yes, echolocation, but get your signals from people who are immediately experiencing the path you're contemplating.

Antonio Damasio. Start with his book Descartes Error. You'll ultimately walk away with knowedge that will inform your own decision-making, and will help with that "echolocation".

Derek,
Nice post.
One of my favorite quotes on this topic
is "If you don't know the difference between good and bad advice then no advice will help"
B

I'd say when seeking advice we do adjust the value of the advice by our own perception of the credibility of that person which is subjective anyway. That is similar to justifying the decision.

So true Derek! You remind of the age old adage, to ALWAYS "consider the source." We humans, against our intuitive wisdom, are always looking for someone else's approval, while ignoring our own gut instincts which are usually correct.
I get a lot of people asking career advice. The questions I always put to my clients first are " What would you be doing if you had a magic wand to create whatever career you desired ?" "What makes you feel happy, and makes the time fly by without even wanting to look a the clock?" Another good one is, "What did you do for fun when you were a child?" The answer to that one usually holds valuable clues.

Thanks so much for these recent thoughtful articles.

I don't get it.

What are you saying?

Ask for your advice?


(really just wanted to comment with a stupid comment, there always must be one)

Bouncing off ideas on others seems to work best after I've done my own research whether it's composing music, planning a party/show, or buying furniture. I always get the "Why don't you try that and let me know how it turns out!" So far, so good... :D

This reminds me when someone says the following three words: "Your problem is...", and they start a rant about what they see wrong in something you do. You get nothing but a lower self-esteem, and a reflection of their problems onto you. People never know what your problem really is, they only see the tip of the iceberg. Similarly, "giving feedback" is overrated for the same reason you explain in this article. As always, thank you a lot Derek!

Thank You, Derek for showing the battlefield of the mind with many examples. It took me many years, better a lot of regular practice to put this battlefield (we call it the Monkey Mind) on its own place. There is only one voice, who knows the best answer for me: my inner truth, my real self. Unfortunately (almost) nobody teaches us how to come in contact with this part. It makes life different because we can walk our own way.

the logic of your "Underdog opinion in their context" section is spot-on. I see that impulse in my own advice all the time. You want to give a unique perspective, and will thereby be seen as valuable.

I think you are bringing light to the problem with advice giving and getting: The receiver of advice is tempted to relinquish his responsibility onto the advice giver while the advice giver can only guess as to the real needs of the advice seeker.

I prefer the paradigm of coaching. The coach's role is to help the coachee clarify what problem he or she needs help with; challenge current perception of reality; help brainstorm other options; and drive towards action. The beauty of a real coaching conversation is that the coachee does all the work (with the guidance of the coach of course). That way, the problems you have raised are alleviated (if not completely eliminated).

What I think this means for you Derek, is that before you can give advice, you may have to ask a lot more questions so you can effectively coach the people who seek your counsel.

I couldn't agree more. I am in the business of 'giving' advice and i have to reign myself in alot because of the idea that just because something works for me doesn't mean that it will work for someone else. 2 stories come to mind. I met someone who was talking to my students about addictions and more to the point his addiction with drugs and alcohol. One comment that he made that stuck with me was that we are all on our own journey's and that just because we may have someone close to us who is self destructing with addictions doesn't mean that we can help them. That's not to say we can't care for them. I think this means that we are 'alone' in this world and have to help ourselves. We just sort of convince ourselves that we have others to help us through dark times or whatever the case may be. The other story has to do with my brother who asked me about what he should do in life. I could only think of what i am doing and that is try something you like and if it works go with it. If it doesn't try something else. the key is to keep trying. Anyways thanks for your insights into the finer points of what it means to be human. keep em comin'!

Thanks Derek. I'm reminded of:
"The Tao that can be followed is not the eternal Tao. The name that can be named is not the eternal name."
- Lao Tzu. Tao Te Ching

I always felt that different people are asking for advice for a different reason. For instance, one of my relatives is often asking my advice but rarely listens to it if contradicts pre-existing opinion. I interpret this for of advice asking rather as a lack of confidence and a way to validate already formed opinion.
Another reason for advice, is to find out specifics about an area of your expertise. For example I remember myself asking for advice on how to break into artificial intelligence field as I had revert superficial knowledge of the field was looking for details and key-words I can use later for further research.
A third one, my personal choice, is to ask for advice to see if a person can highlight an aspect you missed / haven't thought about.
I believe that the reason for asking for advice is very important. And it could be very beneficial if both sides are very clear on what they are looking for with this request.

When you're at your wit's end, trust your own heart.

Wonderfully said. Wish I knew these many years ago!

Interesting stuff. Your other article got me reading 'personal development for smart people' and this article reminds me of the excercise where you write down judgmebts of other people and realize they're your opinions about yourself.

Always important to make sure we're living in alignment with our values. Then, any move we make is the right one for us. Once we invest the time and work to discover our values, decision-making gets a whole lot easier. Thanks, Derek.

:Ultimately, only you know what to do"
So true Derek, so true, and I believe if you dig deep enough, and keep asking yourself the question, the right answer will be very obvious.

I just love the way your write, with so few words you pack a punch. You inspire me.

Thanks...

Wow! Never thought of it like that. This article is like waving a giant caution flag being waved at us. Thank you!!

Advice is something you take for a cold.

This is my advice song.
Don't SHOULD Me by harvey sid fisher .com
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD-VZ2_Csks

Echolocation is THE BEST metaphor for your advice on advice.

That what people who succeed do consciously or not...listen to others, try things and see what works to choose what to stick with, keeping in mind all the unique conditions they have in life...

"Bounce ideas off of all of your surroundings, and listen to all the echoes, to get the whole picture."

Thank you Derek!
Amazing writing!!!

When someone asks a penny for your thoughts and you give them your two cents, a nickle or a dime it does not matter unless they put a dollar worth of action into it. http://bit.ly/1PY9hUi

Always amazing articles to read. Derek, you say you give bad advice(which you don't), but some of the worst advice is the best if you cipher through it! I think bad advice helps lead us into whatever path we decide to take; which that path is what we are meant to be on good or bad. What we tell ourselves and believe creates the good/bad.

It's nice to know that the advice-giver could worry about what influence he/she might have done on the receiver's life. Occasionally I'm an advice-asker, it is occasional because I have to know if the person is the right person to ask the question, while questions could vary the right persons come by rarely. I'm an advice-asker, not an advice-seeker, it's because I get comfort in the act of asking someone about it, it's like having someone else sitting in the other end of the boat in the sea, he can't save me but it's nice to have him there. Whichever advice I get back, .. it is.. actually important but I think I always knew I would decide by myself in the end plus I don't sweat much about whichever I choose because, I now got old enough to enjoy unexpectedly finding an umbrella on the ground while running in the rain. Also I now got experience quite to know it's more fun running in the rain than having an achievement to protect and defend. Thanks Derek.

You're great, really. I'm actually so surprised about why I do find such inspiring insights only out of Italy...doing things out of a status quo, heart and courage. ..This could change not only one's life. Thanks for sharing!

Great insights, Derek! People usually when asking for an advice know themselves what the right choice would be. They just need a conformation. That's why and also because of a possible false reflection, too, the best person for asking for an advice is the person himself. One should just sit down quietly and ask the question, out loud or silently. Out loud would be better. And the right answer comes from inside sooner or later.

I always encourage people to seek out the answer within themselves and get deep into their own sense of knowing. The body is an intelligent beast and carries a wisdom that you can tap into. You know that sick feeling in your stomach? Listen to it. You know that warm feeling in your heart? Listen to that too. Every person can come to understand their own sense of rightness and carry forward from that place.

That´s great advice, thank you! :)

Sometimes whatever the advice is, it just helps you sift through all the thoughts in your head about whatever it is, and get them in the right(?) order.

Sometimes you've gotta "take it with a grain of salt," as they say. How do you respond when someone tells you that you "should" do something that makes you worse off?

Brilliant and so true Derek. I would say that in certain situations, the people we ask may have more information than we do, in which case it definitely makes sense to ask them to direct us (sometimes there isn't a simple way of explaining everything so we can make our own decision).

Also, you wrote that only you know what to do. I wonder if most times we don't 'know' what to do, but you have to choose based on what you know and then see how it goes and learn from it (even though like you said at the start we often don't 'ultimately know' why things did or didn't work).

Love this post. I stopped asking for advice from a few close friends when I started my business last year and quit my job* and they said "I am worried about you." I was almost taken aback by this sentiment as I felt totally elated and much happier. My situation was not a reflection of their own and so this is how they would feel. I don't let people de-rail me anymore (even though this is not their intention). *On a slightly different note of quitting your job, I recently read "So Good They Can't Ignore You" as recommended by Derek and it is a must read. Bought his new book Deep Work which I'm excited to read. Anyone read this yet?

Hi Derek,
I reached out to you probably two years ago after reading anything you want. I have recently went back and listened to your book again b/c I have been asked to join a Atlanta Vistage group and so I did thinking it would be an awesome opportunity for me excel personally and also in my business. However, some of the "advice" I have been getting doesn't match up to where I am nor where I think I want to go. So, this is a very interesting thought for me as I read this article. Many of the people in this group are very polished and seem to be successful. Myself on the other hand, I'm just a country boy that has gotten very lucky in my opinion and somehow keep growing my business at my speed. I feel like the group motto is grow, grow, grow, and that is not really what I want or so I think. I have really had some difficulties lately wrestling with do I still want to be in Vistage because of an unfortunate circumstance of where I tried to help a fellow Vistage member increase his business by bringing him in on a large project and then found out he tried to back door me. My problem is that I now pay to be a part of a membership in where I am paying to listen to this individuals advice and help him (with my opinions) after finding that he lacks integrity. So back to the advice thing, I totally agree in "ecolocation". Until next time, thank you for your insights.

Hi Derek!

When I ask for advice. I do it because listening what others have to say makes easier to realize what I really want.

Thanks Derek!

I'm "remote-teaching" a new student how to use a bow, and I'm bombarded with questions I cannot answer to... Now I know what to do!

I thought your comment about asking your friends for advice for this article was hilarious.

Funny thing - I'm always the one giving advice. It's professional advice, though. As a musicologist I work as part of risk management. The key things about giving advice are:
1) you have to take the time to make sure that you really understand the question
2) you always have to tell the truth - you can make an honest mistake, but then you will have to admit it :)
3) you have to try to identify your own biases and leave them out of it
4) if you give advice, you must have facts that present a real defense for the position you are taking
5) if the reasons for having your opinion are not strong either way - you have to have the courage to say "I don't know"

If you are on the receiving end of the advice, if the person isn't taking the time to make sure they are really understanding the problem, or if they seem to have strong biases, or if they can't give you good reasons for their opinion - run the other way as fast as possible and find someone else to ask about it... :)

I love this article! I've always said the same thing about guru's and people of stature who philosophize about "how life is" when in truth it's how "Their life is". One can only know that their path is their path yet we do intersect and share nuances which is the beauty of being a human!

Derek,
You've brought up excellent points regarding advice that are worth "taking to the bank", so to speak. Though you spoke correctly where you said, "But he’s basing that on his own surroundings, not yours", another way of saying that is "There are many variables in life to consider before taking decisive action." I only would add, "Consider the cost." For example, if I set a goal such as becoming a billionaire and changing the world, as Steve Jobs did, will fame and the admiration from strangers overcome the regret of losing family and friends in the midst of my quest? Steve Jobs died an admired and envied man, but an honest look at him reveals he wasn't loved. After experiencing the feeling of what it's like to be on a deathbed, I learned that my accomplishments in my chosen profession meant nothing compared to the relationships I had made sacrifices for. I observed that people who had grasped the brass ring were usually only interested in more brass rings, not in preparing for the inevitable, which is death. And death surrounded by fame and fortune takes a back seat to passing on surrounded by loved ones.
Considering advice and the cost are prudent measure for all endeavors.

Salient points and good book recommendations.

I often find sleeping on a decision to be good (or if in a clear headspace, just going with the first choice that arises).

One of the best reminders I had for 'advice giving' was years ago as a Samaritan volunteer. You learn to give absolutely no advice...merely listen, and perhaps reflect...which is often much easier said than done ;)

Thank you.

"Consider the source" is what comes to mind. Would you take investment advice from Warren Buffett or the janitor? Or would you average the two? I'll go with Mr. Buffett, thank you.

From the perspective of an older, fairly successful and educated person, I find that any advice I give is usually ignored. People want to make their own mistakes.

What about that rare best friend(or 2) who understands your situation well and can sort of act as your surrogate mind while you are experiencing lack of clarity about a decision?

Hi Derek

It is now mostly selfies... But "He does, but when you look at the photo later, you notice he took a photo of himself by mistake." gives me an idea...

In future. if i ask someone to take photos, then one more should be shot with the photographer too to recall the memory better ;-) ( and maybe they will ask you to whatsapp that picture to them... and so on... )

Cheers, Kishore

When I give advice I give reasons, if people took my advice and were also successful I want ti know so that I can continue to give similar advice that continues to work. If my advice didn't work for them I study the reason with them so I learn when not to use such advice.

This is such an on point article because I realized a couple days ago, well my friend pointed out that I am addicted to other people's problems. I had to actually think about it because I had consciously swore off giving advice last year because I realized that in order for me to really feel good about the advice and not upset at the person that was going to criticize me or get angry at me later for it not working, that the best advice I could give was proof. Living out the words instead of actually trying to tell people what to do with the "information that I was given".

I'm not all knowing, I thought I was, but since being on a medical leave for a having a mental and emotional breakdown and getting extremely sick, I'm starting to learn different.

I speak for a living as well, a motivational speaker, which is hilariously ironic and I point it out every time I speak that, I always go back to a line that Jay-Z said in one of his raps (cause rappers know all): "Everbody can tell you how to do it, but they never did it."

And then I pair it up with words my friend said that was: "This is everyone's first time here at life, no one can tell you the right answer cause, we are all winging it". #impostersyndrome

Great article, I am going to start taking my own advice, for once, and have fun time embracing this incredibly crazy journey, that we call life.

What you have written resonates perfectly with my own experiences. It is a very valuable lesson that took a long time for me to understand. Thank you for formulating it so briefly and completely. I’ll show it to my daughter when she’s old enough.

Hi, just stumbled across your article and it struck a chord about advice.

As a community worker, I facilitate group work for personal and social development courses and people often ask my advice. I think it is so important to bounce it back with perhaps a reflective question to help them find the conclusion themselves. I try not to give advice but it's difficult when it's in your nature to be a fixer.

There are so many people who have had the stuffing knocked out of them through life.

I have no idea why I am sending this email!! I'll look forward to browsing your website.

Kind regards,
Eleanor

I think it's worth asking other people's opinions, but you should pay attention to how YOU respond to their answers. When you hear your friend say, "get a dog!" and your heart sinks a little, maybe you know that you really want a cat, for example. Also, you should get a cat! Namaste.

It's kinda ironic leaving a comment on this post!

I have learned taking advice lessons the hard way. Advice is just a few of the ingredients in the recipe. I suggest pairing with "HELL YEAH! or no." Life is short, stay out of the mundane and trust yourself.

Another cool piece of Advice from the one who wants to give generic advice but not the specific one :P Just kidding... A good read and a very good analogy :)

I agree with your assessment here. We only see the context that we have, and if you ask me a question, there is no way I can insert myself into your brain and get your context.

I've been thinking about questions, and how they can open a person's thought processes and get them to see different perspectives with their own context and give that instead of advice...

Thank you for this post.

Good advise is helpfull. Some people that give advise expect you to take it. Everyone thinks different. Sometimes people with experience can give help
full advise you have to take some of that. In the end YOU have to make the end decision.

Never let anyone tell you are no good. Don't listen when they say you'll never make it you should quit. Never let anyone's negative affect you at all. Part of success is the path you've chosen and to me that's success just in choosing. Most people don't dare go after there dreaam. Someone asked me if I ever regretted being a musician and I said I never gave it any thought be it up or down I'm enjoying the path I dared to take and that has made all the difference.

Dear Derek,

I'm thinking of quitting my job and spending my life savings to follow my passion (which changes every six months according to my mood and the alignment of the planets).

What is your advice for me?

LOL. Sorry, just had to! Great article! Thank you!

There's a bumper sticker that says, "Take my advice ... I'm not using it." Just sharing. It's one of my favorite bumper stickers. Right up there with "Born OK the first time."
☺ Good one! — Derek

Just because my advice is that many people I meet should go to the moon and vacation there forever doesn't mean I would go there too.

Taking advice from someone should be weighed seriously.Get wisdom.

I loved this. I came to what I think is a similar realization about 1 year after quitting my job and diving headfirst into travel, searching for what spoke to me as my best next move, all the while consuming massive amounts of input from travelers, digital nomads, life-hackers, lifestyle designers, etc. There's an intoxicating pull to think that you'll arrive at "it" if you just travel to X,Y,Z, or launch A,B,C, or make E,F,G. The punchline hits when you realize you've been chasing conditional happiness, which of course doesn't exist. No one can show or tell you what "right" thing to do. Externally-sourced guidance can only go so deep, for exactly the reasons you point out. Good post.

A piece of advice you gave that stuck with me was on Tim Ferris podcast, you said Don't start a business unless someone asks you to.
Maybe not for everyone but rang true for me.

Incredible advise, Derek! I 'll take this one.

Yes, this just echoes So Good They Can't Ignore You. Feedback from many different inputs that can lead you in the right direction where you provide the most value.

Derek,

You always have the most down-to-earth/practical advise I've ever heard come from someone. Thank you for being you.

Chad

This article puts a lot into perspective for me.
I constantly seek the advice and approvals because it takes personal responsibility out of the equation. So rather than being responsible for my own actions (especially when I fail) i can simply claim I am merely following advice. But making and standing by my choices is much harder.

And the reason we ask advice of other people, at least sometimes, is to give the responsibility for our lives to someone else. as if they magically know exactly What will fix everything.

After I've gathered the responses I sometimes sit quietly with a coin and flip it. If I feel happy with the result I know it's good if I don't feel good well then I also know. It's not always easy to get down to 2 but it always helps me.

I love the echolocation analogy. It's now cemented in for future use. Great post. Cheers!

So true, but I still keep asking. I can't hear the answer that is within! I need patience. And to listen.

Thank you!!

There is also the Freakonomics coin flip

http://freakonomics.com/podcast/would-you-let-a-coin-toss-decide-your-future-a-new-freakonomics-radio-podcast-3/

Look at all the data and come up with two choices, log onto Freakonomics experiments and flip a vertual coin!

The best advice is questions not opinions! Thank you for your post

Great advice!
(That was supposed to be funny.)

Hey Derek,

I luv this article is great, so many people are just talker...

Thanks your on line friend,
Rae Rae

Brilliant!!!

Hi Derek good to hear from you, asking for advice is pot luck I think. Could be right or wrong, or could make choices more difficult depends where you are in life. Hope that makes sense. cheers Michael

Excellent article that mirrors much of what your post says. www.yahoo.com/style/letter-to-a-young-bartender-from-jackson-cannon-92274159861.html

"All of them are guides, and none of them know how to get to where you want to go. Your destination is yours alone. They may have some idea of how they themselves can get where you’d like to go, but their path and yours are not the same thing."

Great post. I am currently in the "quit my job vs. start my own" position, so that post gives me something to consider. Thanks.

Good points.

A small nitpick on one bit I don't fully agree with.

"Ultimately, only you know what to do, based on all the feedback you’ve received, and all your personal nuances that no one else knows."

*Ideally*, you know what to do. But often you don't.

I think it's more the following. You can't assume anyone else knows better than you. The best you can do is weigh up all the information you have, including the advice you've been given, and -- for better or worse -- make as good a judgement as you can.

I think this is at the heat of America's issues. We don't know how to talk to each other, and worse, we don't listen. Being right is so important that we often forget what the topic of debate was in the first place.

Re:Mikal: 2016-02-25
Could Mikal tell me how to get my songs on college
Or independent radio? So I can decide which is best for me!
I'd so appreciate that!

Melanie

Derek, what follows is not 'advice' in any formal sense of the word. You might have some interest in "Goodness & Advice" Which was a Tanner Lecture presented By Judith Jarvis Thomson, a Philosophy professor at MIT. You'll find a off pic the lecture at the following url. I don't know if markdown works in this comment box so I'm leaving it as plain text. I'd be interested to know what you think of it so feel free to email me and let me know.

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=http://tannerlectures.utah.edu/_documents/a-to-z/t/Thomson_01.pdf&ved=0ahUKEwjKseKd35zRAhWEXiwKHZUmAYsQFghpMA0&usg=AFQjCNFw4VzNDG3V9oOf8fOWEmOps1LIFA&sig2=mWRz8MaEuBK8tAD7e-bp9A

Wow.. Just found you through Tim Ferris' podcast. I only just started reading and went to your FAQs . there's a lot to absorb. I hesitated to leave a note because I'm only starting to read up and but decided to because I want you to know how much I hugely appreciate the effort you made to help random people like me. I'm overwhelmed by the number of people that must have contacted you for you to have developed the FAQs. What a contribution. Thank you * 1000

Hi,

Deri here, you replied to one of my e-mails and said to contact you down this private e-mail. I read the article Beware of Advice and I found it very interesting. But when I asked for advice I just thought of something I could Harvard reference for my course work. So just some key things from the mind of a successful entrepreneur, so this could be steps you took, mind states even that you applied on the creation of CD baby for example.

Thank you very much for replying to my e-mail.

All the best Deri.

Derek,

I just came across your site and your great writing in 2020. Love the succinctness, directness, and thoughtfulness of your writing. Echo #1 received. Now, in search of Echo #'s 2-n. Thank you for sharing.

That is the challenge of reading or listening to self help content. As you read/listen you have to see if it challenges your current approach then see if it merits modifying that approach. If it doesn’t you have to be ruthless and toss it aside.

I like comment # 106 by Channelle. She said the best advice is proof from her own life.

Indeed. On an episode of "Mom," at the end of the show, they are at an alcoholics anonymous meeting. Tammy is very upset at how her aunt has hurt her feelings. The grandmother, Bonnie, shares how she herself used to act, and why, and how it hurt people, and that now she is sorry. And across the room Tammy smiles, because Bonnie has "given advice" not "at Tammy" but by "telling her own story." As Channelle might say, "giving proof."

We are all experts at our own story, and maybe that is all we are experts at. If we speak only about ourselves then it "calms the nerves" of upset people, and they can listen. ...

Which implies that we should be sharing honestly in everyday life in the weeks before someone needs advice, so that we have credibility, and a relationship, when the time comes. Sharing is kindness.

I got this idea from a very, very good yet forgotten self help book by Jess Lair, Ph.D., called "I'm no much baby, but I'm all I"ve got." He said people in the 12 step self help groups were kindly nonjudgmental which is what he needed.

At my own weekly self help group a guy told me (after a meeting) that as he listens to me "it really clears my head." I think that is because instead of speaking "abstractly" about "doing better" in the future, I talked "concretely" about what specifically I had tried in the last week, and where I had succeeded and failed. Also I talked like Bonnie, saying I used to... but now... That was me being kind.

Come to think of it, a young man said I gave him hope because I could remember, and speak of, my progress by specific years. Which was me being real. Embarrassing to me? No, not when I am speaking to help others. Love casts out fear.

Hey, Derek, long time reader and follower.
Is this the counter argument to your piece on directives? How do these two thoughts fit together?
Thanks for your work.
Ha! Good question! I'm not sure. I'll think more about this. — Derek

Indeed! I started making significant progress in life once I decided to disregard advice.

Hi! Two chapters at a time, I'm enjoying your 'Hell Yeah or No" immensely. Most chapters strike me and the connections are abundant. This one though, sadly, it's one that I've been contemplating....

I write about it, ask my trusted friends what to do, think about the right answer often. It's my relationship with my partner.

What I recently came across in this situation, it's your gut that has the answer. Listen to it and follow its advice.

Do we ask different sources for permission to do the thing we really know we need to do? Guilty.

Thanks for this book!

I need to consider my situation and environment when getting the advice.