a relationship that ended, not failed

Beautiful. Is the next article about the woman you wanted, only a few years ago, to marry and have children with, until you realised you were happier on your own? I found that fascinating.

There's nothing wrong in seeking healthy (romantic) relationships (not to be confused with marriage) and everything has a timeline (including relationships). But marriage is eternal. It's about committment and family (even if interests and priorities change over time). We all change. Guess what? Marriage is never easy, but it is totally worth it if two people commit. I guess each to their own. Yes, each of these experiences teach and help us grow.

Great quote at the end! Would you do the marriage visa thing again? is it difficult?
No and yes. ☺ — Derek

Sometimes a relationship ends because it has become a completed relationship.

"A relationship, like a movie or book, doesn’t fail when it comes to an end."
I don't think anyone thinks of a movie or a book as a 'fail'.
We regret the time wasted on bad books or bad movies.
We regret leaving behind beloved characters at the end of a good book or movie.
In either case we move on to other stories.
It's all we can do. Amen.

Hello Derek
How lovely.
I'm 60 next year.
Both my grandfather's died at age 60 and so from early on, it has always seemed like the end, or at least an ending.
In all my (nearly) 60 years I've never thought about relationships like this
"A relationship, like a movie or book, doesn’t fail when it comes to an end."
Thank you for sharing.
Best,
Richard

Kudos dear one! My mother used to say that just because a relationship is finite it doesn’t make it any less meaningful. Love you!Brooksie

There is a poem I love that makes a similar point called Failing and Flying by Jack Gilbert. He compares a relationship to Icarus flying too close to the sun. It ends with the line that Icarus was not failing as he fell, but merely “coming to the end of his triumph.” I would add though that one can see relationships this way and still deeply mourn the “end of the triumph.” A life is not a failure because it ends, but oh do we mourn when it does.

Wow, I'm realizing I know so little about your life beyond business. I'm sure lots of people would read more like this.

That's a great way to package it, it was, was it is ,a loving passby I guess

I agree with your vision here, Derek. When I divorced after 15 years from a long marriage, I called it 'graduation' because we both learned a lot and now it was time for the next thing. Everyone said "I'm sorry" but I thought "why?" Why is time the default measure of a relationship "success"? A relationship is a failure if it teaches you nothing, not if it ends.
Best of luck in your current dating adventures!

This is a lot like how the movie La La Land ends! Interesting that we don't see more of these relationships in movies, but maybe they're not as exciting to watch lol

Beautiful 🤍✨

Wow. Thanks for sharing Derek. I've been following you for probably around a decade. There's still always something new to discover and learn from.

I like your point of view. I've thought about the same stuff and concluded something similar: Our relationships never fail because they never end to begin with.

Each relationship you enter is like flicking a coin on a table so it spins. Sometimes, you keep flicking it so it keeps spinning. Sometimes, you don't. But even if the coin stops spinning at some point, the fact that the two of you collided, that you flicked each other in different directions than you would have gone otherwise, that stays forever—and the consequences of those decisions and your moments and time together will echo out into eternity.

I wrote a bit more about this here: nik.art/failed-relationships/

It's one of the few pieces I keep coming back to over the years.

Here's to you and Anna, the best couple ever!

Much love,
-Nik from Germany

I love this Derek! What a beautiful lens to look through. All relationships end eventually. So much lighter to view them as ending instead of failing.

This is an amazing quote: "A relationship, like a movie or book, doesn’t fail when it comes to an end."

Thank you for that!

Hey Derek,
This really spoke to me in some sense. It really takes some growing up to do to have a clean break off such as this one!

I really enjoyed reading this piece. it sinspiring and a lovely way to look at relationships ending with out being all negative about it. I agree with your answer that just because something has ended dosent mean it has failed. Also just because something ended it does not mean it was never successful. I guess everything ends eventually it's just that some things last longer than others s

Loved this. And in my view it’s true for every relationship. I’ve been in death care (cemetery and funeral homes) for many years. Too many. And, I promise you, relationships come to an end regardless of whether or not both people go on living. The problem is, unlike this story, the end of the relationship is not planned or discussed. And I think it probably should be.

What a great story! I wish we had more examples like it.

I remember as a very young person telling my teacher that a relationship didn’t work out. He corrected me, saying “it DID work out. This is how it worked out.” I still like that too.

So I’m 💯 with you that your marriage was not a failure just because it ended. Sounds like a screaming success to me!

But I also believe in failure, just like I believe in death. My marriage of 20 years has just ended abruptly and I totally count it as a failure—mostly nit mine lol. I guess i feel that in the same way ending doesn’t mean failure, failure doesn’t mean shame…

Anyway, good story. Thank you for writing it.

I married at age 20, divorced at 28. We stayed friends, ran a business together until I bought him out. He remarried and I got another friend out of the deal. Thirty years after the divorce he’s still one of my best friends and his wife too. After much R&D I realize I’m happier going solo.

I got divorced about four years ago. Afterwards, many people said they were sorry or made comments that the relationship had failed. My response was always that there’s no need to be sorry and the relationship didn’t fail. We had some good times, some hard times, raised three kids together, and at the end of the day decided that being together in a committed relationship wasn’t right for the two of us anymore so now we aren’t. We were both able to move on and pursue things that we wanted to and it ended mostly amicably.

Good Article. Sometimes, the situation did not come to an end with right or wrong, success or fail. It was just a changing direction, not the way it was before.

Your story gave me a happy smile. Thank you for sharing, Derek.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful love story . I asked you for permission to save the quote “ A relationship, like a movie or book , doesn’t fail when it comes to an end. “
I have to remind myself this quote because I’m going through a painful divorce with 2 children are involved!
I always , always admired your words and your mind 🙏
Have a wonderful life !

Love this.

What new term can we use instead of breakup?

Similarly for "dumped" (The need/greed for control brings real emotions here).

I sometimes invite people to just say "the relationship ended".

Wow this sounds like a great end of an era breakup! Maybe it worked well as you were both on the same page about ending it? Interested to know why you didn’t keep in touch, perhaps a chat once in a while etc? Especially as you got on so well!

O my god, what am I doing 🙏

I love the message that no exchange is futile. We learn from every interaction.

That being said my ex, the first true love of my life, the person who I lost my virginity to and vice versa, the person who knew me better than I did myself and vice versa, blocked me and employed her new boyfriend to call me and threaten me after I reached out saying I found some of her stuff and asking her if she wants it back.

I still blame myself because I made her feel uncomfortable and scared.

This is very interesting. Brings me mixed feelings, mostly good ones. But I guess I have a hard time letting it go like you did.

I believe I would have kept in touch for longer or wished I did.

But I admire how it happened :)

I remember a relationship I had (on and off, no explicit commitment, but a commitment) where I stated that I didn't think we'd become anything serious because for some reason I would end up falling in love with someone more... intellectual. She didn't like what she heard. And I ended up happily married to a non-intellectual (but fun!) wife. Now with 2 kids!

Thanks for sharing.

Needed to hear this! Love it.

I really appreciate this story. My first long-term relationship had a similar ending, and I always thought of it the same way. It didn't fail. It just ended when it was supposed to end. My memories are fond. We connected many years later, and I enjoy keeping up with her passively that way. And that's about it.

Appreciate the insight as someone who just got married (hopefully for a long time but who knows!)

“Who are you and why do you think I’m interesting?” lol this quote made me laugh. Maybe partially because you have shared many interesting ideas publicly that I think if someone where to explain who you are to someone else at a dinner party they would literally describe you as someone who is interesting. I found it very beautiful to view your relationship as good. Often we reframe things in terms of success or failure. But that’s not the full picture. Like you said, the relationship was good from beginning to end.

Thanks Derek! I really needed to read this right now!!

Thank you for the open-hearted honesty of your posts. I am continuously inspired to think through the adventures inherent to life with a new perspective.

oh wow, I just did that too! Our wonderful 7-year relationship just came to a successful end. Time to rediscover myself. I choose my destiny.

Thank you. I feel like I was floating and lost for three weeks now but this gave me a valuable perspective. I wish you the best.

Romantic. Love experience is a valuable asset.

This is a beautiful relationship.
When interests diverge, a peaceful breakup is the best blessing for both parties.
Each one deserves to pursue his/her own dreams and vision.

Exactly!
We learn that when our life situations don't meet arbitrary expectations, usually born of inherited narratives, they are 'failures,' when there really isn't such a thing.
Every relationship I had was meaningful and valuable, and each one had an ending date.
What's 'wrong' with that?
I'm in Santa Monica, btw.. probably the same theater I go to..
Best, Derek!

I think it is so awesome…it’s like they say, better to have loved than not loved at all. And you were loving and growing the whole time until you had to part in order for you both to keep pursuing peace and happiness. Bravo to you both.

This was part of a Seinfeld episode once.

That last line is killer, Derek.
You're a great communicator!

Oh, I like it when reading somethings puts that "feel Good" feeling in me. Great story! I had a few similar situations like that back when the Earth was still green and there were more types of animals than you'd ever seen. There's nothing like a clean conscious after a breakup.

In Gita, there is a slogam which means, what ever has a beginning would eventually find its end. Relationships too follow the cycle. It is better to have an end without feeling of hurt and hatred. That way each relationship adds a positive memory and good life lessons. Seeing your note, I feel you got your happy and learning from your relationship without any hurt feelings. It is a great one.

I call it "the relationship / life / marriage completed "

Wow! Inspiring story. It helped me to reflect on what society expects from us. Thanks for sharing.

Derek!

Met my wife the same way - she cold emailed me after finding my blog. Been married for 26 years and have 4 kids, lol.

Guess it works both ways - be well!

-Kent

I love this story. My current marriage has a very similar beginning. A passing meeting in CA, casual pen-pal type emails for several months between CA and New Zealand, eventually becoming more frequent and intimate. A visit to New Zealand after several months, moving there to be together after about 6 months. That was 8 years ago. We just had a baby.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. All relationships bring something good to your life...that's why you entered them in the first place. It's so refreshing to label none of them as failures, even when they end.
PS. We actually met you during the first few months of our relationship when we were living in Wellington.

I have had 3 Decade long relationships and have embarked on a fourth! One of the relationships I managed to assist in the creation of two humans! Wow, how can that be a failure? All 3 were a resounding success as I learnt a good deal about me and what it is to be a human and to love and be loved!

My first Decade saw a marriage and two children and a very steep learning curve. The second, Lou, wow, where had I been hiding! She taught me not to be afraid and dive in. When we first met, she said nothing is forever!

The third, Gill. So much love for each other over the decade we had, so many experiences as I was not maturing into my skin! As Lou said, nothing is for ever.

And now, the wonderful Sally, caring and challenging. I may die before this one ends!

I am grateful to all of my lovers, partners and dear friends for the joy they have helped me unlock! The pages from zero until now are full of text, the page in front of me is only part filled as I am still writing the story, tomorrow's is an anticipated turn of the page.

I have a similar, if a bit different story.

I was with a woman for 9 years. We lived well together and almost never fought. But over time, our interests diverged and our passion for each other faded.

One New Year's Day we were on our way to a friend's black-eyed peas dinner. It was on a mountaintop about 40 minutes away. Shortly after we got in the car, the question was raised: are we done?

Neither of us remember exactly how it was phrased or who first broached the subject. But shortly thereafter, we pick up the friend we were carpooling with.

This friend happened to be her ex-husband, who I had been friends with for years before they had gotten married. So we asked him his thoughts: should we break up?

And thus started a conversation for the rest of the ride to our friend's house, discussing whether it was time for each of us to move on to new adventures. A discussion guided by her previous partner, who had already gone through that transition.

In the end, we decided to "downshift" our relationship, and eventually just became friends. A year later, she met her future husband. At their wedding, after the ceremony, the person officiating the wedding came to me asking if I would witness their marriage certificate. But she actually needed two signatures.

I knew exactly who the other person should be. And so, myself and her ex-husband signed off on the marriage to her next husband, ushering in the next season of her life.

They remain married to this day, and all of us remain good friends. Though I now live on another continent and rarely see them.

All relationships have their time. I think it's wonderful to celebrate and remember the connections we have with others, and not always force them to continue when their time has past.
I love this. Thank you for posting it. — Derek

"No fear, no envy, no meanness." I've always had deep appreciation for that quote and that's what came to mind after reading this. Thank you for sharing.

That's how my relationships end most of the time! I've never had a bad breakup, just people on different paths. Thank you for summarizing it so beautifully with your own experience. People come and go, and we don't need to make it nasty or compromise too much based on societal rules. Neither do we need to put a label on the relationship - not naming it, just enjoying it!

the sentiment the love the wisdom God bless you Derek!

Lovely to know Derek. I sometimes ponder about the over romanticised nature of relationships, especially marital ones and if societal norms and expectations have made us forget that relationships are only good as long as they nurture both people involved and doesn't have to come with a certificate for eternity. I hope that if someday me and my wife decide to part ways, it would be as positive and smooth as you have described. Thank you for writing this.

love this Derek. not clinging or holding on too long. a natural end. beautiful

Wow! I wish I could say the same about my breakup. I have lots of unresolved feelings and thoughts that she may never know about.

Were the romantic feelings still there, even though your breakup was a result of diverging life plans?

Love this.
Break ups seem like they always have to be so dramatic and difficult.
I think more than anything, this is a sign of maturity between two people.
Very cool one to share!

I do like the perspective that a break up doesn’t have to be a bad thing and the lessons you learned along the way are as important, if not more important than the status of your relationship.

My boyfriend of several years and I are on the edge right now. He wants dating experience and is unsure of the relationship and I want to give him time but ultimately also want commitment.
I see the value of our relationship and of a potential break up but cannot seem to get myself to end it.
Do you have advice?

That was a refreshing perspective, Derek. So many people measure relationships by longevity rather than quality, but yours with Anna seems like it was full of meaning, growth, and mutual respect—exactly what a great relationship should be. The way you both embraced the natural arc of your time together, without bitterness or regret, is rare and admirable. Thanks for sharing this story; it’s a beautiful reminder that endings don’t have to mean failure.

I hadn't thought of it that way. Thank you.

I fell in love with a girl in high school. Love at first sight. I tried talking to her, but it didn’t work. I ran into her again in a library after 4 years. I felt the same way. I tried again. She liked me. We were together for 7 months. In August 2024, she sent me a long message: “Eren, we have to end our relationship.” Her parents didn’t approve of us being together. It broke my heart for a few weeks, but then it faded. Today, when I reread your article and the comments, I tell myself that it's just over, not a failure. The movie ended, it was fun. Now, there’s sure to be another good movie waiting for me somewhere in this world.

Thanks for sharing this Derek. It was I what I wanted (needed?) to read.

Hi there Derek,

“A relationship, like a movie or book, doesn’t fail when it comes to an end”. I agree with that statement but only in case there was no “conscientious agreement” regarding what the relationship was based on.

But, if there was an agreement, a specific goal to be achieved in the relationship, and the agreement was not lived by, even if the relationship doesn’t break up, it is not getting to its goal and so, it is failing.

I could read in your other article regarding this particular relationship that: “you didn’t want to get married”. And so, I can see why you don’t consider the ending of that relationship a failure.

An interesting post, thanks for sharing.

Amazing! Thanks Derek, for your incredible thought provoking posts. What a great philosopher we have in you.

What an insightful blog and beautifully written. It has made me reframe a friendship break up after 40 years.

A very wise and mature way to have a relationship breakup.

How can one not mourn a relationship of 6 years? Even if it was the right decision to break up I don't understand how one can avoid the pain of separating from someone that was such a big part of your life and that you relied on. Assuming of course that you relied on her.

I am only asking because I see something similarly coming up in my life, and even though I know its best for both of us, I fear it will break my heart and sadden both of us greatly.

I am trying to prepare mentally, but I am resigning to the fact that their is no way around heartbreak here, regardless of whether its the right decision or not.

any advice?

I had an unusual smart friend, so smart that I once wrote a blog essay about how he coped with being smart in a normal world. He was nice, so nice that for each of his marriages it was the woman who proposed marriage.

I would stay at his place if I was in his city. We had lots to talk about, unfortunately, so I never got around to asking about his marriages. My curiosity was only dim, the present seemed so important. He passed away unexpectedly so now I will never know.