Have I been married?

Marriage is more of a means to obtain stable support in terms of dealing with daily trifles, than a certificate of love. Many couples stay married even though they don't love each other. For those who seek freedom and challenge, the bound of marriage might be a price that is too high to pay.

There is a take that marriage nowadays only means to invite the state to your most private relationship. And there is some truth to that. So in keeping with your thought's i'd also see the real adventure in comiting to someone romantically 'until death do us part'. Which definitely is a ride, as far as i can tell. Marriage or not!

"Practice seduction.
Be with a different person every night.
Every lover is different.
Don’t allow relationships.
Remember: no repetition.

But after decades of this, you’ll need something radically new.
Stay in one place.
Be with one person.
Buy a home.
Raise a baby.
It’s terrifying, but if you don’t, it will be the one experience you never had."
Your article reminded me of this beautiful quote from how to live book. Fantastic book derek.

My grandparents also used marriage as a bureaucratic tool—back in the Soviet days, it was the only way to get a big apartment. So they married, got the apartment, and then, somehow, stayed together... :-)

How very sad. I hope you someday get to experience a real marriage.
It’s not been sad for me! I could be married for real now if I wanted to be. — Derek

The first breakup is brutal, I had almost similar experience. Why would you stay friends after such betrayal?
Calling it “betrayal” is just one interpretation. There are others. — Derek

Thank you for sharing. It's a paradox. It's a blessing and a curse. To truly want to experience everything, but knowing you can't have everything.

"Maybe the thing you "can’t have" isn’t something you need to have. Maybe the longing itself is the adventure—because once you get "everything," what’s left? The thrill of the unknown, the pursuit, the journey itself—that's what truly makes you feel alive."

What a great perspective on marriage, especially after my own divorce, which always felt like a failure.

Thanks Derek. You helped me get through a certain things. I have had very bad days with my first broken up, she was like the Muse of my. Now I don't consider that as a loss since I realized the speed of mental growth I demand myself and the constant fresh experience I long for could never be matched by her. I am not in the stage to settle down for her or for anyone! I can finally understand what you mean by 'No repetition". Now I will go to practice it.

I started writing a reply and it got so long I turned it into a blog post instead - anniemueller.com/married - but the gist of it is:

I’m glad I was married. I’m glad I had that experience. It was good. It was worth the pain of that bitter end. I learned how to love deeply and well. I spent years living in intimacy with one person and was still thrilled to wake up beside him. What a special, unique experience.

And I also realize now that much (perhaps all) of what I valued and enjoyed in marriage is available outside of marriage, as well. That’s been a really lovely surprise over the last 5 years. And it keeps unfolding. I feel like I keep receiving gifts, things I thought I had lost with marriage. They come in different forms, different wrappings. And many times they are offered in ways that are richer and deeper and freer than what we were capable of giving each other in our marriage.

As always, enjoy your perspective.
☺ Thanks for posting the long version on your site! — Derek

Were you trying to have a kid? Seems like it wasn't a great relationship for using as the foundation for starting a family? Or maybe I'm just too "conventional?" :-) Glad things have all worked out though.
We were trying to *not* have a kid, but birth control isn't 100% — Derek

Sure! You don't have to be a slave for same things forever.

When you have health problems -- whether that's a bad case of the flu or something much worse -- having someone you can rely on makes a big difference. And you can even be dissatisfied with other aspects of the relationship, but then you get sick and see how your partner drops everything to make your wellbeing their priory, and you realize that love is complex and can take many forms.

Dear derek
Thankyou for sharing your truth
It resonates.
Myself
Four marriages swayed by love and visas and zero regret.

Waga jinsei ni, kui wa mashi
Live life with no regrets

Japanese proverb

You have always been what’s known as a light being. You tend to travel through not with and also it’s very hard to keep up with you for normal folks. Remember, you’re just visiting to return home eventually and maybe later in life find someone to join you on the way. I love you, Brooksie.

Will you marry me Derek?
again?! ☺ — Derek

As always thanks for sharing your life.
Makes me think about the few short relationships I’ve had
One resulting in my now 45 year old daughter.
After a life of drugs and partying I got clean through
A church group. Met my wife there. Got married 29years
Ago, going through cancer treatment now it’s good
To have my wife’s encouragement. We all choose
Our paths in this life , even in the Bible 1 Corinthians 7
Paul describes marriages troubles.
I think many marriages are like an arrangement
That benefits both parties until it doesn’t.
Building a solid marriage takes work
1 cor 3. Wish you all the best
Thx

Beyond all the business and coding, you are an artist.

Yes;the ability to move on is an accomplishment

Derek,

I both laugh and cringe when I hear someone say about some personal situation I've shared: "How very sad" (as Ben did above). I want to respond: "You poor baby! Hope you feel better! Didn't mean to sadden you with my happiness!" Of course I don't know Ben, but that kind of comment comes across as intended to convey: "Even though you're happy, I would be sad in your situation, so I want you to be sad, and it bugs me you're not." :-)

My saga has parallels with yours, Derek. Got married later in life (40+) after my girlfriend at the time became pregnant. We weren't a good match, but we made it work, and she got on the spiritual path with me. Our daughter was born, and she was and is amazing. When our daughter went off to college, my wife and I split (my wife joining an ashram, me moving from DC to the Southwest). Eventually I got around to writing a brief settlement agreement (essentially saying: we each just keep what we already own), we both signed it, and we were officially divorced.

Because the breakup was so amicable, now we're best friends and make joint trips with our daughter, get together for holiday events, and stay in constant touch.

The notion that a relationship like that is a "failure" is ludicrous. I admire couples that grow closer over the span of 40-50 years, but it wouldn't be a good fit for me.

Hmmm Whaat is your attachment style? :-)

Commenting on this while going through a divorce feels like commenting on a baseball game as an athlete who is injured. Thanks for showing us that life can be gray Derek and be okay. Love that. And I love that your boy has two parents close by and a very interesting childhood.

When marriage was invented human beings generally lived to the ripe old age of 35 if they were lucky. That meant that you would be with your spouse for no more than 20 years if you got married at age 15. Now if you marry at age 25 you'll likely commit to 75 years with your spouse. If you find the right person you can grow and stay together for 75 years. Sometimes it works.

It's funny that I only know now that you aren't married! You were one of the many people who inspired me to have kids with my wife, so I really hope you one day find the unique happiness of forever being married to someone. I mean this in the nicest way!

No substitution of judgment -- hypocricy, and in the main because it is an affair of the heart and the heart's owner has exclusive access. Hypocrisy and hiphopracy.

Borrow a cup of rice from a household that knows nothing of this and has no experience in these matters.
!! — Derek

You're very brave and vulnerable for sharing this. Most people harbour the thoughts of having a revolving door of romantic partners but they are afraid to express such thoughts out loud.

I personally think the vows of 'For better or worse till death do us part' are insincere and obsolete, or else they won't be so many divorces at the slightest opportunity.

I can't imagine shutting myself off from so many interesting people because of marital conventions or expectations.

This is why most people are sneaky and having affairs in secret. They are unwilling to be honest with themselves and express what they really want.

Love all your articles - the way you see things, that opens up new ways of seeing and great conversations with everyone in the comments. Thanks for what you do Derek!

marriage is not easy, parenting is to easy, but it's precisely the joy of working it out with the person you love (for as long as you love the person) to age together. I think that's beautiful.
I've married with my head, divorced later, and married again with my heart. not easy, but I'm so glad I did, 10 years later.

That's an honest and transparent disclosure. I married once and she's the mother of my children. I do not have a real marriage experience either. Now I do not actively try to get one. It will happen when it should happen.

My mom has been married and divorced 4 times. I grew up thinking of marriage as prison—something you want to get out of. I met the perfect person for me in high school (actually, I fell in love with him at first sight, on the junior high bus, but we didn’t meet until I was a sophomore and we were in the same Spanish class). He was a year ahead of me, really popular, goodlooking, and a kind and intelligent person. I remember staring at my desk in Spanish class, imagining how great it would be if we ended up together. Which seemed like a laughable fantasy. But he ended up asking me out. And I said no. Because one of my good friends was in love with him and if I had said yes, it would've ended our friendship. (She had started talking about him before I did, to our group of friends, so it seemed like she had “called dibs”; no one knew I’d seen him on the bus a couple of years prior.) He came home from college for winter break and asked me out again. By then, my friend and I had grown apart. So I said yes. Later, after he and I had been together a few years, she and I reconnected and backpacked through Europe together. One day, on a train, she said, “It’s so weird that you and Jimmy never went out in high school.” I said, “Actually, he asked me out, but I said no, since you liked him at the time.” She was so touched, she started crying. She and I have stayed good friends, and Jimmy and I have been together for 36 years. We got married around 21 years in. It was a big party. All of this to say, I recommend marriage, if it’s the right person.

Being married 27 years has been immensely challenging and indescribably rewarding. The lows have brought me to tears. But to get out of the lows, I've had to face things about myself I never would have bothered to look at if I'd been alone. Like all growth, it's painful, but you're really glad when you shed that old itchy skin that's too tight. I owe so much to my wife.

I love the authenticity of your writing. It's so rare.

I think the world would be a better place if we all communicated that way, and didn't resort to formulaic, over-engineered copywriting.

You've inspired me to be more authentic in my writing. Thank you for that.

- Travis

Thank you for sharing your relationships, Derek. It's fascinating to hear about your romantic journeys and your interpretation of each of them. I appreciate your openness. I feel very fortunate to have a wonderful partner in life. She has also been my business partner until we stepped down from running a storefront theater in Chicago five years ago. We still both enjoy the arts and our relationship gets better and better after 23 years.

Your writing has deepened to a new level, as evidenced by your recent posts. And I always look forward to your posts.

And: “I’ve slept with hundreds of women, and all of them were my wife.”

That sounds like a hell realm to me. And many of the comments on this post horrify me. “Wife” means deep knowledge that is not possible with hundreds of women.

I am 72 years old and dying of prostate cancer. I’ve been married for 50 years. This is what keeps me alive.

I know it’s not cool to say this, but I’ve had a real marriage. It’s a real option. It’s not just bullshit.

Esther Perel said, “Most of us will have two or three marriages in this life. And if we’re lucky, they’re with the same person”. I thought that's brilliant. We are organic beings; we change and evolve, and we desire and need different things at different times in our lives. If we can't evolve together or with our partners, then parting ways is likely inevitable. I don't think that your marriages weren't real; it's just that you haven't been in one where you are seriously committed to spending the rest of your life with someone or the same person. I like stability, but I would prefer having some varieties in what we do and how we live our lives even when I am living in the same place with the same person. I often see my husband as my partner or team mate working on different projects together. Maybe that's how variety shows up for me in my marriage? :)

I grew up in the ’80s when music came on cassette tapes—each side had about eight songs. Buying a cassette was a big deal because they weren’t cheap, and I could only afford a few each month. That meant I had to be selective about which artists I chose, and once I had a tape, I listened to it over and over, even if I didn’t love every track at first. Over time, the songs grew on me, and some of them became lifelong favorites.

Contrast that with today’s streaming era. With Spotify, I have unlimited access to music, but I rarely stick with one album long enough to form a deep connection. The abundance of choice makes it easy to skip anything that doesn’t immediately click. Strangely, despite having more music than ever, I feel less satisfied with it.

I think the same applies to relationships. In the past, when options were fewer, we invested more time and effort into making things work. We stuck around, worked through rough patches, and sometimes love grew where we didn’t expect it. Now, with dating apps and endless opportunities, it’s tempting to keep swiping, always thinking something better is just around the corner.

I feel Derek’s post really captures this shift. He treated marriage less as a deep commitment and more as a practical tool for travel. He never let himself get too rooted in one place or person, always moving on to the next experience. It’s the relationship equivalent of streaming—unlimited variety, but maybe less satisfaction.

Some people thrive on that. Others, like me, miss the depth that comes from sticking with something—or someone—long enough to let it grow on you.

> After six years together, she went to Honduras and, within a week, fell in love. She dumped me by email, saying she had never loved me. They got married and had a baby. We remain friends.

How in the hell are you friends now!?

Knowing myself I feel like if this happened my soul would be crushed beyond repair! It is amazing to see how different people react differently to life's struggles.

Gosh! I didn’t know you were having a residency permit in India.
I have this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Overseas_Citizenship_of_India — Derek

My parents were madly in love until the day he passed away. Living in that in my formative years left a profound mark on me. Anything less than that would be settling. In my younger years proposals were not uncommon. Milan who was my dear friend had asked me and when I declined politely the next day he brought a file with his investment portfolio (this was back in the day before we could just look on a smart phone for this) and asked if this would change my mind. It was quite a shock I had no idea his net worth was so large. He lived a very simple life. I told him if I wouldn't marry you thinking you had little why would you think I'd marry you for money. I think way to much of you to do that. Our friendship carried on as it was until I moved. Then there was Al who I had completely forgotten about until I was going through old journals and read he had proposed to me. To this day I have no independent memory of it. Things would make alot more sense to me after I read it. Apparently it was over a bowl of mac n cheese. My journal entry was put out over this fact lol. He was moving and wanted me to go with him. I declined and told him I needed to finish my college course and that was it until years later. I got a phone call out of the blue asking if he could stay with me he had a work opportunity in my city. I said yes under the assumption it was as friends. His intentions were to pick up where we left off. 2 months in I let him know now that he was working he'd have to pay rent or find another place. I guess that was probably the point he clued in we weren't going to be romantic and slept with my sister. There were many more but none were ever right for me. Until one day I met someone I would marry and they let me know they didn't want to marry me.The bitter sweet irony lol. Since then I've had a few more but still don't feel like I missed anything by saying no. I don't regret never getting married. But maybe one day if it feels right I will.

Please forgive my earlier comment. It was written during a vulnerable moment. I celebrate our diverse points of view and paths through life.

im not sure it’s a good idea to post this, you’re basically confessing to having had grey marriages 😱

Nice of you to share such personal information, Derek. The older I get the more I realize what a crapshoot getting married turns out to be. We are all beguiled by looks at one time or another, but I've lived long enough to know that looks don't last. Too many people in their 20's will not look the same in their 30's nor will they act the same. Inner beauty, however, can last a lifetime, and inner beauty also enhances outer beauty to a very tolerable, if not attractive extent. I also know for a fact that you can do everything right or to the best of your ability and it won't be enough because the person you did it for wasn't in love with you. The women who stay with men who abuse them hate the abuse, but they can't leave because true love won't seem to go away, though I wish it would, sometimes. As someone very wise once said, "Never marry a person you can live with; marry only the person you can't live without." But there is still no guarantee.

Yet another "parallel" between you and I (in addition to the Berklee/ NYC/ Hudson Valley 80s/90s experience) - I was in a serious relationship (my first, I guess) for 6 years, followed by another "big one" for just a year. I talked to a single guy at church this past Sunday. He is a great guy. In his 60s. I asked him if he had ever "come close" to tying the knot. He said at his first job (as an adult), he had fallen very hard for a co-worker. She did not feel the same way about him. That was the end of his romantic relationships. Fascinating... and sad.

Really enjoying the more personal writing—it’s scratching a curiosity I’ve had about you for a while. I’ve always respected your big-picture ideas, but this adds a whole new layer. Refreshing to see!

For myself, every relationship is unique because each person is unique. I've struggled with labels and boxes, and it did cause friction between myself and my husband. At one point, I decided to try 100% committed monogamy on for size, giving myself 5 years to see how this might transform both myself and my relationship with my husband. It had a *wonderful* impact as we grew closer together. About 2 1/2 years in, we had finally started to develop a lovely, synergistic partnership when he had the audacity to drop dead from a heart attack.
*sigh*
That was 2 1/2 years ago. I don't see myself making another attempt at committed monogamy, but I'm glad I did for the experience of it.

This one hits home for me. I know from reading your other stories, we often are complete opposites. I love seeing another perspective, so I keep hanging around here. My wife and I have been together since we were 15, and we are just about 40 now. We have 1 child, and for us, divorce is simply off the table. It is incredibly difficult, but it is such a unique challenge spending an entire life with 1 person, and figuring out how to make life work together, when just going it alone isn't an option. It is understanding deeply how to compromise, and quit keeping score. It also teaches you along with a kid that trying to achieve ultimate happiness for yourself isn't the goal of life. We promised this commitment 18 years ago when we got married, and I look forward to maintaining that promise going forward. Thanks for a story that made me reflect on life.
☺ — Derek

I don't appreciate the governments requirement that we go through them to make a lifelong commitment. In fact when I was 25 I and my wife got married; big wedding all the normal stuff. But known only to a few we weren't legally married. Instead I wrote up a contract that was signed by the 2 of us, plus the 4 parents, maid of honor, best man and pastor who did the marriage.

Now, the state I'm in doesn't recognize common law so I had to file as "head of household".

Fast forward 11-12 years and I was paying a lot more in taxes as a "head of household" now that I was actually making real money. So finally I told my wife that I needed to marry her for my money. So we signed the docs to save money in taxes. And now we have 2 anniversaries.

Marriage scares me. Although I believe in love, I have never encountered it.

Evidence of a healed heart!

Married to the same girl since 1986!

I'm just jealous that you've fallen in love soooo many times. You're a lucky guy.

23 years into my marraige, I’m learning to love (and care for myself more fully every year and a direct result is a marraige that is so far out beyond words (in a good way ;)…. If you do experience this or not - amazing either way, but please know, your direct clarity and wisdom always helps and inspires me.

THANK YOU for your courage to use your super power.

Jason Henkel

This is the type of article that only Derek would share.

Thanks Derek. Going through a break up right now and this helped

Thanks for sharing these personal experiences, Derek - both in this article, and in "A Relationship..."

Go to school, get good grades, graduate from college, get a job, find a partner, buy a house, and most "critically" - get married. It's a script we all know well, but as you can attest to - "I’ve had such wonderful relationships since then..." - and as I've experienced it as well, permanence is optional.

I am single and never married, we call ourselves as Brahmachari in our parlance. Unfortunately or Fortunately I never had love, break-up, marriage and divorce in my life so far. In a way I feel powerful and get my inner child out on will as I am still the kid of my home, at times I feel lonely and frustrated. The love for my profession and my genetic code of teaching and enabling others to succeed is making my life purposeful and keep me enjoying what I have.

VN

I was blessed to live for 30 years with my second husband who was the love of my life. He passed away on February 23, 2024. It has been so hard losing him, but I am eternally grateful for the time we had together. We were perfectly matched and adored each other right up to the end. It was the third cancer that finally did him in. He survived the other two.

The saying "when you know, you know" is so true, and that intuition as to whether or not something will last is almost always accurate. Before it happened, I thought for sure when I married my wife that it would fall apart almost right away, but within a few days, my gut told me it was right, and luckily enough it's been smooth sailing ever since. Trust the gut!

My thought on marriage is it is only required when you decide to have children. I think you owe it to the child, to provide a stable environment for them to grow.

Currently reading "Useful Not True" so that's where my thinking is at the moment. That being said, I'd say there are so many takes on marriage (Useful Not True). I've been with my wife since 2010 and it's been one hell of a ride. Up's and down's, sometimes she's hot, I'm cold and vice versa. We have a child and that brought in a new dimension of the relationship. My favorite thing is to dream together and then work towards those dreams. The vulnerability is scary because we are putting ourselves in a situation to get hurt. Everything in life is temporary and I'm grateful for the temporary time we have together. Who knows how long it will last or what our forever is. We met on a random night in a random city and every day is just as random as the next and I absolutely love it.

...yet?

We have been married for 30 years and together before that. We raised three lovely children together. I feel fortunate most of the time. It's not easy for sure.

Do you still have a place in Portugal, or is NZ home base now?
No. Yes. ☺ — Derek

Real, dedicated-for-life marriage is indeed one of life's greatest experiences. Catholics get this one right.

I suppose it's not for everyone, but you're not exactly a normal guy either are you Derek?

Derek, this was such an intriguing and refreshingly honest read. Your perspective on marriage as a practical arrangement rather than an emotional or lifelong commitment challenges so many traditional ideas. It’s fascinating how each relationship shaped you in different ways, yet you still feel like you’ve never truly been married.

I appreciate the self-awareness in your reflection—especially how you embraced change and adventure rather than clinging to what society expects. Your story is a reminder that love and connection can take many forms, and stability isn’t necessarily the ultimate goal for everyone. Thanks for sharing this!

Same! If it happens, great. If not, also great!

Hi there Derek,

Hey that’s kind of funny... your first (big) love taught you to be honest, and after 6 years being together she tells you she never loved you?...(After all, could it be that it is you who taught her to be honest?).

Your quote: “In all of my worldly adventures, a real marriage is one experience I’ve never had”. Indeed, this post doesn’t make it clear to me whether you want or don’t want to experience a “real marriage”.

Formerly, marriage meant an agreement of “relationship”, “integration”, “communion”, “exclusivity”, “loyalty” wrapped with a sense of honour. Marriage is more about “respecting the relationship” than “loving the relationship”. Because, it is easier to hurt someone you love, than to hurt someone you respect. So, that’s a real marriage is truly about.

But if what you mean with a “real marriage” is a “great marriage”, then more things come into play besides “integration”, “communion”, “exclusivity”, “loyalty and honor”. Things like: passionate desire, great communication, patience, kindness, etc.

In short, having all and the same values as your partner.

With all these stories I can see you truly went through a lot in life.

Thanks for sharing.

Wow, this is a cool article. It's amazing seeing someone being vulnerable in this way and being willing to share. its like reading a journal. but better somehow. sharing yourself with the world. what a thing.

You're such a sweet guy, and what a wonderfully fun insight into your life.

(p.s. I'm going to Email you some crazy shit. lol, complete side note)

Thanks for sharing, it opened my eyes to more ways of living.

I think the bigger question to explore is, "What is the purpose of a relationship?" To me, it's to facilitate mutual growth. I'm in my third marriage and have had numerous others wonderful and meaningful encounters, and I've discovered that all of the relationships I've been in have helped me to understand myself (and other souls) better and are for our mutual mental, emotional and spiritual growth. Each has offered challenges, lessons and blessings. My current marriage holds the most stability because I have matured and I realize that its not about the other person, its about who I'm being in any given moment and also having harmonious values, and goals, and also honoring the differences and preferences of each in every area of our lives. What a balancing act that is! And oh, so interesting and colorful! Love fully in each moment and enjoy it to the fullest. When everything passes, and it will in this temporary school for the soul, remember, only the love remains.

Sense and sensibility. Is marriage living with someone in a home or living with each other in life? As long as your child finds secured foundation he can always rely on, living peacefully in, once you're gone? That's your greatest gift for him.

1. "We were in love and had been together for two years, but didn’t want to get married. We never intended to stay together forever." => I am curious why you two never intended to stay together forever.

2. "It was instantly clear we had made a huge mistake, and we broke up after a year." => What made you realize it was a mistake? What changed?

More women should read your posts.

However much or often differences are acknowledged, your reflections provide sharper insights than any commentator I’ve read.