How to like people
(part of the “do this” directives)
1. Assume it’s their last day.
Everyone talks about living like it’s your last day on earth.
Instead, to appreciate someone, live like it’s their last day on earth.
Treat them accordingly. Try to fulfill their dreams for the day.
Really listen to them. Learn from them.
2. Be who you’d be when alone.
You could live in a crowd, pleasing only others.
You could live in solitude, pleasing only yourself.
But ideally, when in a crowd, be the same person you’d be when alone.
3. Assume men and women are the same.
Men think women are so different from them.
Women think men are so different from them.
But the differences among men and differences among women are far greater than the differences between men and women.
So counteract your tendency to exaggerate the differences.
Assume men and women are the same.
4. Always make new friends.
As you grow and change, old friends and family will be unintentionally invested in maintaining you as you were before.
Let go of people that don’t welcome and encourage your change.
5. Avoid harming the relationship.
For long-term relationship success, it’s more effective than seeking the positive.
A friendship that may take years to develop can be ruined by a single action.
6. Act calm and kind.
Regardless of how you feel.
7. Don’t try to change them.
... unless they asked you to.
Don’t teach a lesson.
Stop trying to change people who don’t think they have a problem.
8. Find wisdom in your opponents.
Really engage those who think opposite of you.
You already know the ideas common on your own side.
9. Purge the vampires.
Get rid of people that drain you, that don’t make you feel good about yourself.
They make you hate all people.
Thank you Derek for taking the time and summarizing all these. They are little gems of wisdom.
Sometimes however short statements can be misinterpreted. For example - "Act calm and kind regardless of how you feel" can be false, insincere or even creepy. At the same time acting confidently or even with a healthy aggression towards something you really disagree with can mean self-respect and being true to oneself.
It's funny that I practice #7, and call it my Vampire Rule: I don't comment on people's personal affairs unless invited to do so (similar to how vampires cannot enter a person's home unless invited).
I don't comment on their choice to smoke, what they eat, how they dress, etc. unless they ask for my opinion or advice.
I need to work on the name, though, especially given the association in #9. :P
"7. Don’t try to change them" is the hardest one for me.
"Stop trying to change people who don’t think they have a problem."
Even harder when they are someone you care about that could lead a more fulfilling life. But its realizing its not up to us to say or determine that direction.
All of these directives are great, but I especially love #1 "Assume it's their last day". You hear it all the time, learn to live life like it could be your last day. Little do we realize however, that it is the personal relationships and interactions with others that make life so wonderful and interesting. Life is about the little moments and I think by living your life like it's "their" last day, you'll start to put more value on those every day encounters and it is then that you begin to make a positive impact in the world around you.
Thank you for the Mindwise review and recommendation. That book sent me into DEEP thought about my relationships. All of this is far more challenging in the family context than with my friends, coworkers, and strangers. Any new life decision I make spawns opinions that bombard my phone until I hit DO NOT DISTURB. But, alas...#6. Calm and kind.
Derek, a beautiful thing about directives is that they can be pocketed easily by the mind. They're succinct enough to quickdraw at any moment--they help interrupt my negative habits of communication, thought processes, and tame my temper reflex.
These directives hit me at a perfect time, perfect place. Thanks Derek
☺ Thank you. — Derek
I like these thoughts... it is sad how many people will not find the heart to encourage. I almost always try to do so...
You are simply my new favorite person!
Thank you for sharing!
Great post. At first glance it looks very intuitiuve and easy but one has to apreciate the Thought that went into it. Making it very clear.
Reminds me of the quote ""Perfection is Achieved Not When There Is Nothing More to Add, But When There Is Nothing Left to Take Away"
Where do you find great people? I find myself in a place in life where so many of the people around me (including my family) are the kind you outline in point "4" & "9", if I walked away I would have no people in my life.
It's OK to have no people for a whlie. You'll be more motivated to find new ones. — Derek
Good one. Got me thinking... Really love this point: "Be who you’d be when alone." I think we are so domesticated to behave in a certain manner to please others, that sometimes we forget who the heck we are. One lady I knew told me: "If you would meet me in real life, I'm the nicest person, but if you ask at work, they will tell you I'm a real b!+ch." How sad that we do this to ourselves. "Be who you’d be when alone." - good mantra to remember. Thank you :)
I've used Humor for a great part of my Life, in order to gain acceptance from others...hasn't always been successful. Now, at age 50 (yeah, I'm a late bloomer...SUE me! lol!) I'm finally turning off the humor. I just don't give a fuck, anymore. I'm tired of trying to be acceptable.
Is this normal? Who knows! I'm just tired of the bullshit.
It hasn't gotten me anywhere. Nowhere major, anyway. True, I've made some people laugh (and still do), but the majority of the time, I'm turning them off; making them think less of me for "trying too hard" to fit in.
Now...in the next 50 years (ambitious bastard, ain't I?!), I wanna see what I can do being "ME" ...no superficial, useless Humor...no trying to get others to like what may or may not be there...they like me, or they don't. If they don't..their loss. I won't feel sorry for them when they die. They had their chance.
I am gonna start liking / respecting myself a bit more now...look after Me a lot more. I'm worth it. And I figure, it'll come in handy for other important things, too. Family..Friends....career...the real worthwhile stuff.
Don't have all the details yet...doesn't matter if I do...fuck it..gonna do it, anyways.
Gonna stop hating others too...have for a long time, so, I don't expect miracles here. Just can't be bothered to waste time on them like that, anymore. Not worth the hassle.
Not worth wasting MY Life on. You understand.
Its a great amount of knowledge and way to perceive things that you have shared.
About the last point, my parents are tge ones that drain me of my positiveness. Every time we have a conversation, they talk like I'm nothing and i have accomplished nothing.
I will try to remember these points, thanks if you did read this.
Thank you so much for taking your time to write this down.
I shall put these thoughts into practice. :)
Just looking back at some of these gems. But I wonder. >#1 Really listen to them. Learn from them.<
But, what if they're wrong?
Derek - when I can’t sleep at night I go to your website and every time I find something that calms me down or makes me think of an issue a different way or puts me back to sleep. Thank you for your work and these notes on books and your blogs. You are doing good work here.
These book notes calmed the mind.
☺ A great compliment. — Derek
Really appreciate the wise directives and reflections.
Though seeking clarification on point 5 as I didn’t think I understand it. What do you mean by “for long term relationship success, it’s more effective than seeking the positive”?
Does this mean we should be prioritising the status quo over pushing for positive change due to the fear of potentially damaging the relationship?
Prioritize not-harming over thrill-seeking. It's the difference between saying the goal of communication is to be understood, or to NOT be MISunderstood. — Derek
At comment #11, someone has been using humour to be liked. He is going to stop that.
Although my default is/was being a serious nerd,
I feel OK having humour, and smiles, and small talk, because for me this starts with having an "intention" to help others, not myself. So my advice is: check your intention.
By the way, when I do a speech at Toastmasters, where people say I am very funny, I don't smile or joke for the first minute or two, partly to make sure I am not being phoney, not trying too hard.
A lifestyle habit of being grounded and centred (not conflicted or desperate) in my intention has resulted in a life of getting abnormally good service from store clerks and salespeople. Call it win-win.
Further to the above, a sincere friend did indeed have a positive intention for his Groucho Marx quips. He said he was trying to cheer us up. His fiancé and I got him to stop it, at least around us.
Partly because our humour style was different, partly because his Groucho humour was jarring, like suddenly hearing a pun, jarring in part because you can't make a pun or quip unless you are one step back from the "here and now."
Better to joke about a shared experience in the here and now, especially if it helps us to deal with what is before us, such as an irritating noise. ("They could use that as a warning sound on the Enterprise")
I guess a good way to loosen up for everyday life would be to take a class in improvisation acting where the intention is NOT to be funny, but to see what happens... which can turn out to be funny. (There is a TV show where the intention IS to be funny, for entertainment, but that is different)
As with conversation, or a classroom, people learn to "gut check" whether to speak up or joke.Sometimes, like on that funny show, you have to "curb your enthusiasm." Unfortunately, some are more oblivious than others.
Initially when I googled the topic i was hoping i'd find something else- something a bit more psychological and deeply rooted in the psyche. To give you a bit of info about me, I'm a typical ambitious, stubborn Capricorn male (age:24). I've noticed as the world has changed I feel like i've been somewhat left out socially. I don't get "enthused" when meeting new people, I feel...drained and annoyed. I was hoping to find something that could enlighten me on the "why" and "how" to fix my lack of social interest.
Don’t dwell on why. Just do the prescribed actions. That is how. Then your insights will come after the actions. — Derek
This was performed by Sarah Plochl at the Product at Heart conference in Germany, June 2023.
See the video (and read the context) here:
productatheart.com/blog/how-to-like-people