Everything is my fault

ha, that's actually what i say in the intro of my book! it's my fault (or my profession's fault) if someone is a bad client (the book is on design & online business). i love this.

Awesome as always Derek. Thanks for the insight. When does the book drop? Excited about THAT!
Oh it came out last summer (July 2011). Go">sive.rs/a">Go to this link to get it. The audiobook version is the best. — Derek

Wow. This is way into the terrain of original Derek Sivers stuff. Not sure it's applicable to the outside bad world, but surely to the big wonderful world of Mr. Sivers. It is up to the rest of us to decide which one to follow. :)

Accountability is a decisive teacher. Discussions with some friends weeks prior to reading your post: Accountability seems to have long been disappearing from (American) society. How do we restore it as a cultural norm?

Thanks, Derek!

Good thoughts. In a world a-tizzy with so many people trying to blame someone...ANYone...else, it's good to hear about someone who gets to the heart of the matter. One canNOT grow without acknowledging and accepting one's own role.

What a terrific reminder of how powerful we can all be by becoming powerless and humble. Knowing that you can't change what has happened, but only the way we perceive it, is extraordinary.
I was trying to remember reading this section when we went back and forth on the group edits. I don't think I saw it, if I did, it certainly didn't seem too mean. Either way, the finished product was great.

And by the way, this blog post is your fault too!
Or is it mine? lol

Much love.

Yeah--my philosophy is "unless it's a matter of life or death the other guy is always right."
Ego trys to make self right and the others wrong. While an ego is necessary to survive and create on this planet at this time, letting it dominate you instead of using it as a convenient tool is not cool.
Love, B

Wow! Derek, I like this way of thinking. I wish more people would consider it!

Yep, the mirror is a bitch.

But there really is no greater joy than the (self-)ephiphany of what you have done wrong.

It is the heart of religion. "I once was blind, but now I see."

Of course, it wasn't all you. All your examples are related to money. Money is the great corrupter. It attracts fear and pride.

Our fear, our pride, our greed, are the most difficult things to recognize.

My first instinct is to LIKE this...to gravitate toward the catharsis which IS, I agree, better than forgiveness. But meanwhile I have spent years avoiding "shoulda" "woulda" and "coulda" as ineffective, and, more importantly, moot.. Perhaps there is middle ground here, utilizing this tactic to free yourself (and others from our grudges), yet retaining a focus on today (on our way to tomorrow, but present in the moment).

Your line "playfully decided" is to me the most important piece here...do it ALL in fun, which is not to be insincere, but grounded--nay, ROOTED firmly in gratitude and optimism. There's a lotta crap out there, a lot of which we have been a part of, but we can only do it better next time...which happens to be NOW.

Wow. One million times yes!

It is so easy to assign blame, but accepting responsibility is *the* way to grow.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I've had this thought many times, but you've articulated it so powerfully. Thanks for your honesty.

Truth is empowering.

I've had a couple of memorable moments where I realized that my state of misery was my fault. It was lovely and amazing, and I was immediately able to begin the process of climbing out of my self-defeating mood.

When I was trying to get myself out of the great rut of my life, there was never a question of blame. I was solely responsible for the problem.

That said, it's dangerous to assume that everything is your own fault. Dangerous, and sometimes evil.

Would you ever tell a rape victim, "It was your fault, because of what you were wearing/because you asked that guy who seemed trustworthy on your second date to come in for coffee/because you shouldn't have been walking alone so late at night"?

Would you ever want a rape victim to say those things to herself?

Sometimes bad people do bad things. We try to protect ourselves from those bad people and those bad things, but to do so successfully would mean trusting no one, ever.

Taking responsibility for your own actions is wonderful, but the mantra "It's my fault" only works when it's true.

True dat: It also brings up for me the question of where is the next platform that really will serve musicians the way you originally set up CD Baby. Maybe its time for you to come back and create it?

Guilty as charged. My fault for sleeping through my early days, and for thinking so little of myself that I gave away my rights to one of our greatest songs.... Powerful? Not there yet, but I'm learning!
Thanks, Derek- as always....

It's very original to see someone taking pleasure in saying "it's my fault". Because conventionally we are always afraid of taking the blame. I like the way you defended it. Confessing that it's our fault means that we had (have) the power to change the situation. Clever : )

Martyrdom is overrated. Knowing we create and attract everything in our lives, the good and the bad, gives us the power to change it. I'll gladly take the fault!

seriously flawed view, inmho.
Some people are actually willing to take you down (jealous, stupid, on a mission, whatever, you name it).
Thinking you can manage all these factors would suggest more than superpowers, something in the league of god-like vista.

Maybe you'd do better accepting the idea of shared-faults. You were half of the problem, you did half the mistakes. Be it in your couple, or with your half-terrible employees.

ACOUNTABILITY!!! What this country is lacking! I love it! I hae taken on this way of thinking and it has changed my life! I still fall into my victim thoughts on occasion but its a brief visit, thank goodness! I am so happy you continue to share these things! I adore, adore , adore you my friend!!

Super powerful! Comes at just the right time for me, I'm prone to a victim mentality sometimes, and carrying around that weight is too much. Thank you for the paradigm shift, Derek! Hope you guys are enjoying NZ :)

I definitely agree in the sense of taking responsibility for your actions and learning from your mistakes, but I'm a bit uncomfortable when you say that being stolen from is your fault. Victim-blaming is a huge problem, most importantly for victims of assault and rape, and I'd be hesitant to say that being the victim of any sort of crime is your fault.

This is a great article, and I completely agree with it. Though... I'm struggling trying to think of what I could have done differently to make the Cleveland Indians and Browns better :-)

I've recently had a very bad experience with a client and I was extremely mad (and sad). I am now slowly ready to start thinking about my part in the whole story. Ready to make some changes :)

@Paul, can't wait for your book!

You can give up control, but you can never give up responsibility.

Ummm, I think a little balance is still needed, or at least be willing to share the blame around. My father was a Fonzie-type; unwilling to admit out loud he was wrong. I absorbed his lessons to the opposite extreme...sometimes I'm TOO willing to take the blame on myself. This attitude didn't make me feel more in charge of my life, it just made me more timid in some of my dealings. I've finally reached the conclusion that sometimes you have to get a little perspective, wipe the slate clean, learn from your mistakes (and every other mistake you've seen made) and move forward. Mostly, there are no bad guys here (except for the guy who stole $9,000 from you, and even there you can accept that it was a very expensive learning experience) and move on. Either you learn from your mistakes or the Universe will keep repeating the same lessons until you DO learn from them. But yes, acknowledging your own culpability is a good start forward.

Though it sounds like you're being the bigger person by admitting fault, I think the need to forgive is still very important. The act of forgiving does not make you the victim at all. It releases you from bitterness and the desire to take revenge. Fine, admit your fault in the matter. But almost ALWAYS, both parties are part of the problem (other than a crime perpetrated against you and you are totally innocent). By taking ALL the fault on yourself, you're not giving the other people a chance to grow up and admit THEIR part in the matter. But confrontation is a tough road for most people - and much of the time it does not resolve things because both parties end up clinging to their "rightness." So, it's great that you can own up to your part. But it's NOT ALL your fault. And forgiveness is still crucial. And the other party needs to admit their fault, too - not so much for your sake, but for theirs. Jesus, come back quickly and deliver us from all of this! Now there's the true meaning of forgiveness... the cross...

Oh yeah there is a new age positive thinking crap about you being 100% responsible for every event in your life. So, following that logics are people who suffered tsunami in Japan responsible for that tragedy? Are those who died in World Trade Center guilty in the terrorist attack? Was that all their fault?
I think you kind of lost the way thinking too much on what happened to you and CDBaby. Wanna know the REAL reason why rebels got your company and you are still seeking for explanation? I wonder why you didn't fire and destroy all those who set mutiny against you, the company boss. YOU created that business, YOU claimed to help indie talent with your project. You just gave it up without fighting. Then put on the mask of *ok, I don't care, I am free now, didn't like that responsibility anyway, blahblahblah, it is sooo good to have nothing, blahblahblah* and still you kept thinking on the reasons why. You wanna know why? Because there are two kinds of folks in this world - those who walk to their goals even at cost of stepping on principles, and those who chat about responsibility, morality, forgiveness and meditate on reasons why. While you do this, others make tons of cash on what used to be YOURS. Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you.

Respect for the insight Derek :)

Great post Derek. Thanks for the inspiration!

Hello. Thanks for the email and insight...always appreciated. There is a great chapter called "Being the Board," in a book called, 'The Art of Possibility' that really opened my eyes to this as well. I read it often. Take care, and thanks! Shane

Yup, Derek ..it is your fault I have never become a multiple mega hit song writer...no doubt about it.

It is also your fault that you made useful things and shared what you learned like the creation of CD BABY ...and as a result I have had modest but important success while feeling good my work of songwriting is recognized to some degree.

Yup Derek it is your fault...for giving so many of us opportunities to succeed.. Now, don't you feel "guilty about it?" You should Derek. It is your fault. Thanks!

Thanks for posting this Chris! It's just what I needed to hear.

..the authors are Zaneder and Zander to the above.

Great insight Derek. I'm still handing out copies of your book to everyone I meet. Brilliant insights.

OK, let's follow this a bit....

Is cancer my fault? Mesothelioma, let's say.....

Is being raped my fault?

Is getting sexually abused as a child by my stepfather my fault?

etc. etc.

No, it's not all our fault!

Isn't this a simple solipcism? How about "It's nobody's fault"?

Oops, I meant to say Derek not Chris! I was in the middle of something else when I read your post. I also liked some other responses to your post about forgiveness. Thanks again!

According to Jesus and modern behavioral science, what causes greed, hatred, irrational fear, envy, prejudice, tension, stress, murder, rape, theft, false witness, inequality of wealth, slavery, war and other human oppression, arises from within us all (source; Encyclopedia Brittanica, "Human Sexuality" & related).

It is therefore correct, scientific and accurate to say we are ALL to blame for our problems. My problems are not just my fault, but rather, my problems are caused by a long line of physical and cultural inheritance stretching on back into the mists of historical time, as well as by my own choices, as well as by the choices of others in how they treat me. Human oppression is a shared problem that according to Jesus, we all need to overcome.

One can argue and debate about "how" to overcome human oppression, but let us not be like those who pretend religion, corporations, capitalism, communism, socialism or some other "ism" causes our problems. We all share in the global problem of human oppression and likewise, we are all victims, having been born on this wayward planet through no choice of our own.

I've been trying to look at some recent events in my life in this way recently... it hasn't been easy but it has made dealing with them less stressful.

Also, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but this post reminds me of the speech at the end of "Legally Blonde 2" (about not giving the nation a "bad haircut"). My girlfriend, uh, MADE me watch it... I swear...

I agree.

It's time we all take responsibility for our actions and impact on the world.

If we understand that we have more control than we realize, we all be better off in many ways.

I'm all for taking responsibility for my actions and my inactions... so long as everyone else does too!

As people have already said, I think some balance is needed in this view. Everyone is responsible for their own actions.

I have been in situations before that lead to awful things, and I realized later that, yes, I put myself in that situation. I have the power to never do that again. However, like the rape victim situation, putting oneself in that situation does not give a person permission to do bad things, merely the opportunity to.

Know when you things are your fault, but don't give real bad guys a pardon.

Still, it's a good lesson for self-improvement!

My Wife has been telling me that for years! And she says I only have one right. "The Right to remain silent"
Yes dear - - -

Really nice perspective. Thank you for sharing :)

I left the milk out on the counter and it spoiled. My wife yelled at me. I said "it's Derek's fault". Your right! I do feel better and will from now on blame you for everything!
Thanks Derek!

Thats a great motto. A good friend told me the difference between the man that I am and the one that I want to be, is what I do.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

We influence or control a lot in our lives, but the power fantasy that we are ultimately responsible for the actions of those who harm us often contributes to co-dependent tendencies. Its not easy to recognize your own "stuff" and separate it from the "stuff" of others, so we tend to want to simplify things. It's never as simple as either "it was all their fault" or "it's all my fault," though.

Insightful, refreshing....could be an early, told in flashback, Woody Allen movie.

I've yet to find a way to make a living out of my music career, but I understand that it is my fault, so I continue to tweak the process and search for new markets. I think I've applied the my fault rule from time to time but I can see how powerful it can be as a way of life. THX Cool runningz

Being responsible for our actions is VERY liberating. Our will power to make choices(or not) is what makes us free individuals. When I blame others it was usually my fault in the first place. Remember the old finger pointing example, "one finger points out BUT three fingers point back at me" and I always add: "and the one pointing up reminds me that God is really in control anyways, learn from this."

Derek:

Very well articulated. A brilliant topic for a post.

I know first-hand that you're right. I've been doing the "it's my fault" thing for quite a while, and it does indeed feel good.

Truth just feels good, even if it isn't flattering.

In contrast, things like blaming, self-deception, and cognitive bias don't feel good. They make for a very vague and inaccurate way to go about life - and all that flows from that.

In the spirit of being real, there are indeed things that aren't our fault, and we need to recognize them for what they are, because it's part of being truthful.

But you're absolutely right. When things go badly, we have to run the question by ourselves:

What was my participatory role in this?

Thanks for another great read!
Susan

hi derek. not sure it's this black and white and one can turn this around like you did. your'e making a lot of sense though and of course 'it takes two to tango' - i.e. our own roles in our desasters need to be examined. but i still think your ex-employees are shits and karma will kick their sorry asses.

As Charlie Munger said "Bad behavior spreads". As Gresham's law says "Bad money drives out good". If you dont get of bad employes early -it will cost your business later.
Munger is such a fountain of wisdom. — Derek

I'm still digesting your "Global Citizenship" and now you throw me this bone. I thank you for the reminder to not rest on complacency's haunches. Keep em coming Derek!

This is classic Ho'oponopono - where everything in our lives, even the bad that does not affect us directly like, say, an active serial killer that lives 5 states away or a serial pederast, is ultimately an outcome stemming from a lack of personal accountability on a massive scale. This creates a culture of indifference, the enemy of any society.
I hadn't heard of Ho'oponopono. Thanks for the tip. — Derek

A great article, and I believe one of the true keys to success. When you can look in the mirror, and say "I am where I am today, because of the decisions and actions I made and took yesterday", you empower yourself not only to change your situation, but eliminate excuses, which I believe to me on of the top three time wasters in life.

Thanks for the reminder.

"Everything" isn't our fault.

How we choose to respond to what has happened to us, however, is completely under our control.

Agreed, but don't let it consume you or blame yourself. It's all a learning curve.

A little exerpt from Don Miguel Ruiz's book 'The Four Agreements'.

Don't take things personally: Taking things personally is the maximum expression of selfishness, because we make the assumption that everything is about "me". During the period of our education or domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, me, always me!

Nothing people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind...

What you are saying is to take the power back. You're not the victim. It's a difficult but important thing to learn. Nice article Derek!

What's gone is gone. It seems to me to be a waste of time thinking about it from a fault point of view in any case. Can be very useful in determining what to change though.

All that really matters is what you want to do or be, how you are going to do or become it, and most important, when?

Having said all that obvious crap, I find myself thinking about the exact same things, which is why I love your posts :)

Derek:

I know for a fact that it is not your fault - it is my fault! Nice try thought brother, but you ain't taking credit for this one. :)
— Derek

"MY FAULT" is way too catholic for my blood Derek!! I think it's more like, "I share the responsibility in what happened and I intend to learn from my mistakes". Forgiving is a more christian way of handling things without all the guilt trip and I can't understand your difficulty in accepting that concept. I disagree completely that it puts the other person at fault. Forgiveness is realizing that you share the responsibility in a situation and that you can love or at least respect your opponent or enemy. Forgiving is a truly liberating thing. It's based on love and respect. "MY FAULT" is nothing but guilt and will eventually turn sour one way or another.
To each his own. For me, “my fault” has a fun swagger to it. Like “everyone loves me” - it's fun to believe. — Derek

Actually true forgiveness between humans involve and imply fault on both sides.

Derek,
have you heard of ho'oponopono? its basically an ancient philosophy, a large part of which, says the exact thing you are saying about taking responsibility. Look up Dr. hew len. check it out!

If forgiveness means victim, fault means guilt. Both are inevitable.

I believe we attract situations with our vibrations. Everything that happens in my life is my creation (not fault).

lol! funny, thinking everything is my fault feels rather different to me. Just this morning I was whining to my wife about how everything's going wrong and it's all my fault (don't worry, it's temporary, I'm just having a bad day), and then I open my inbox and there's your article. Totally cracked me up!

Sure, I missed the point of your writing (I'll ruminate on it later), but the timeliness of your title made my day. Bless you, bro!

This is a great perspective Derek, I reckon this comes from a deep sense of empathy that rests within you. Withouy empathy one cant hope to have such progressive thoughts and there I realise thats another message from todays thoughts. Lastly its always interesting to read everyones perpective, additional value of coming to your blog.

The fault game is, as other's have pointed out, a temporary palliative, panacea . . . the maze and labyrinth is perhaps a more neutral or no-fault view. Is the bird at fault for eating the worm, the owl, the mouse . . . chance, aberrations, anomalies are as much a factor as routine and pattern. We try not to get fooled "again, " we can try ;)

Man, I don't know, yelling out the window, "everything is my fault" shifted something and I'm smiling.

Nothing is finite except change, like water off a duck's tail feathers, let it roll. Teaching others not to make the similar mistakes is the best way to heal and is empowering to the spirit. Things haven't been as lucrative since your departure, wish you all could kiss and make up and team up to fulfill the vision. Stay perfectly and uniquely awesome. Eagles don't flock, keep soaring! 1

There is a big difference between fault and responsibility. Fault is like a bad thing about you. We only can respond to situations from our level consciousness/awareness. Everything is our responsibility. Being aware of that is one of the high spiritual things we can do. Since I know that everything is perfect as it is there is never any fault or blame. I take full responsibility for that.

When I was a young lad working for a web development company, we had a project for one of our biggest clients that kind of went off the rails for a while. We managed to pull it out of the fire eventually. My boss at the time, later took full responsibility for any of the problems, though, in reality, everyone on the team had made mistakes. That impressed me for sure. Later, he became CEO of the company, and deservedly so.

Like the wise man (or woman) said, "You can't change what life throws at you, only the way you respond to it." As always, Derek, great reminder, Oh Wise One.

You're my hero Derek!

As usual, Derek, great idea! Thank you

Hi Derek,

Thank you for your candor and great post.
You're making a great point. I generally agree with your point of view, with some modification.

Instead of taking the “EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT” approach, I choose to take the following philosophy: Your current state is mainly a result of your choices and actions, and not simply destiny, luck, or the fault of others. You can control your destiny to a great extent.

I can suggest the following weekly "review" process:

- Review your status (in all aspects of your life) regularly

- Be sincere in critiquing yourself on how you measure your current status versus your expectations, aspirations, goals, values, and personal success metrics

- Take responsibility for your choices and actions that led to your current status

- Develop an action plan for achieving your desired goals and objectives

- Hold yourself accountable to your decisions and action plan

Best Regards,
Ziv.

Perfect timing yet again! I just hired a successful online guitar teacher to show me what he does to get online sales of digital products and webcam lessons. I've tried hard over the years and have failed, but in many cases I tended to blame the consumer - there's too many free lessons out there, young kids don't have any money and live with their parents, etc. After a while you get discouraged and don't want to try anymore.

During my brief coaching chats, I've realized some things I did wrong, like not leveraging email marketing as much as I should and other issues. Let's hope these work better, but right now I am hopeful that it will work.

But now I'm reinvigorated with a positive attitude.

Preaching to the choir! I have held this belief for years, since reading something similar somewhere.
"It's MY responsibility" for everything that happens in my life. That means that I have the power to manifest anything good as well as anything bad.
Thank you for reminding me (us).

Rhan

Responsibility is POWER - there are no faults, only enrichments in viewing things as a problem that is there to be solved for the better - to think of "faults" should be a temporary state, and not the end of the line: a "fault" is a new dawn of a possibility. - ;)

btw: I love the idea of writing a book as an inner monolog and supervision that lead to a come out, not to release the book - this reminds me of the healthy practic, to write something down you don't like on yourself and throw this note in the trashcan - or burn it (some think this even has more power to it). manifest it, see that it isn't alright, and destroy it to make room for the new.

great post here, Derek. - love your blog. - keep it coming!

let there be "faults"! - ;)

I think its good to realize your responsibility but it would be tiring to blame yourself for everything. Its necessary to take ownership of the things you have control over but you should also realize that we don't have as much control over things as we would like to think. Its much easier to analyze in hindsight than to deal with the current state of affairs. This posting is more of a way to let go of your anger than a practical mantra.

I love the way you take back the power! If we all did that, what would the world be like? The amazing thing about this is that you can enjoy your life more even if you are the only one doing it.
How do you do it without taking on the 'guilt/shame'?

Oh dear. That hit home to me. My daughter has been telling me how wrong I have been over everything for years and I still hate it!!!
My theory used to be 'don't get mad get even!. I liked that better.
It's about time I changed too but I've had 84 years to get like this!!!
God bless you my friend you are a big man and an example to us all. Wyn

Irrational self-blame is actually a psychological disorder.

I think it makes perfect sense to find where you are at fault in most situations though.

I LOVE this!!! Thank you!

Sometimes a decision/action, though it is my fault, is based upon bad information.

As usual Derek, I love your insight. I agree with a lot of what you said however, I also think it goes along with your last topic on balance. I grew up believing that everything "WAS" my fault so I had to learn to be kinder to myself and put things in perspective. I think everything "is not" our fault. Yes, sometimes it is our fault for not paying attention to a person who pretends to be a friend or trustworthy and isn't, but sometimes there are people who are really, really good at hiding the fact they are just a total jerk, selfish and self obsessed (for whatever reason) and you just don't see it until the red flags add up or the damage is done. I think it is OK to look at each situation individually and decide "yes, that was my fault" or, " no, that wasn't my fault, it was the other person's fault. Now, what can I learn from this so I don't have to go through it again? I believe in taking responsibility for one's actions and decisions but I also believe now in being able to look at another person and realize I am not always to blame for their actions.
That has become empowering for me.

This sounds very much like Yijing-based self improvement. "Here's how YOU are the problem, in detail. " :D

@Phil Beaudreau

If you go to the casino and lose all your money gambling - are you responsible for that or not? I think you can argue that you made a choice to play the game, so you're responsible for losing the money.

When you choose to take a risk of any kind, it's healthy to take responsibility for the outcome. In fact, that's pretty much the whole point of accountability and responsibility - being ready to clean up the mess when the you make choices that lead to unintended consequences (i.e. the risk you took goes poorly).

So it is as you said "the other half of taking responsibility is understanding that some things are beyond your control". That doesn't mean you aren't responsible!

You must accept that you made choices that put you in this place at this time - you took the risk of events occurring that are "out of your control" and having made that choice, you can be responsible for the outcomes.

Just as you don't fully control the outcomes at the casino, you don't fully control the outcomes in life - but that doesn't mean you can't hold yourself responsible for the outcomes.

I guess the point of all this is, when you "accept that reality and move forward" you can still be 100% responsible for that reality.

love it. very empowering. Thank you.

Hey Derek,

Nice post. But now that you are empowered with being responsible for all the bad stuff, don't you either have to ASK forgiveness, or admit you don't give a crap?

YES! We are the creators of our lives moment to moment!
This way of life is actually BLISSful! To perpetually live here is a very high state of consciousness.

You're on your way to becoming an orthodox.

I noticed how many people got back to you because you always get back to them. Smart idea. ;) they feel a connection with you then and are much more likely to respond to your email list and you make it appear very personal as well. You are a crafty humanist but in a good way.

it's intresting to see things from such a different point of view you know,
you would think by saying that it would make you feel bad but actually it relieves knowing that you can change your problems.

What an awesome way of seeing things, Derek! Thanks so much for sharing this. It gives a nice framework on how to change our perspective so that we can drastically improve our lives. :)

Ok Derek. I like this philosophy. It's so hard to assume the bad ends are our fault. But, it is the right road to create a great atmosphere or environment around us everywhere we are... if is in our hands to assume that "side", of course.

I always enjoy your insights and personal thoughts, Derek, but I'm gonna disagree with this one completely, rather than get my nose brown.

You're a very positive person who has managed to make lemonade again. But not everyone can or should do that. There are millions of wounded people walking around who blame everything on themselves because they grew up in violent and abusive homes and they learned that it was all their fault, when it clearly was not. For them, self-blame is part of a destructive pattern that they can't break loose from easily.

I agree with the spirit of what you said, but in application it's a bad idea for a lot people to go around believing.

I'm going to chew on this for awhile. Instantly applied it to parenthood and it holds so true. Then thought of other relationships, personal and business. So enlightening, and freeing, and empowering, this fault thing!

Love this-- but claiming fault should maybe be a short term frame of mind? Own up to your part in bad times if that makes you feel better-- then move on-- don't be that version of yourself anymore--think positive-- look ahead, meditate, laugh, don't let past guilt eat away at you. Isn't that the joy of breathing and being alive ? You can choose to be happy :)
And thanks for all you do -- love your posts :)

Lovely sentiment! I just ended a not-so-great business partnership in which I came out on the losing end of the deal, but I know full well that I was my fault - I didn't do any due diligence and chose instead to go into a complicated contract AGAINST the advice of an experienced venture capitalist AND an attorney. I just blithely thought nothing could go wrong. Clearly, a lesson learned, but I accept my responsibility in its failure.

Great post!

Cheers,
Marjorie

Derek- I got your book right when it came out (and referred quite a few folks to it), and thought this idea was strongly contained in it, if implicitly. The idea that we create our own reality is a strong component of the meditative religions, opposed to the idea that we just live in our egos and some 3rd party comes from outside and saves us (takes away our sins). It's good to see a reminder that our reality (savor, redeemer, guru, etc.) resides inside ourselves.

Derek, you could have said it in the words of Buddhism... a very old knowledge as we know. - Or even explained it with the princips of Physical law.

Its all about "action" and "reaction"...

Every kind of reaction has a cause, which comes from one own's action. Humans inter-act mostly same way, especially if you are in a powerful situation like a team leader or company owner. :-)

It sound simple, but its hard. How to handle it ? - Here teached me the Vedanta, ancient philosophy of India, even the roots of Buddhism.

Come free of your ego, give up your selfishness... to find your true inner being (which means you come free of fear). This wrong ego is what blocks us to see that we see mainly the false things by our disturbing senses, and by (self-)manipulation, e.g. we have been trained by socialisation or education.

It all sounds so easy.... but the reality to be free of selfishness is really hard.

Action & reaction, a bondage which drives our life in a positive or negative sense... :-)

Ahhh yes, self-accountability.

While blaming others for an issue that pertains to business, and mostly in personal circumstances (with the notable exception of some violent things like rape etc...), feels good...

... it rarely addresses the underlying problem (self).

Great share Derek.

I knew this sounded familiar, so kudos to you for arriving at this conclusion on your own. Jim Collin's Good to Great characteristics of a Level 5 leader:
"Looks in the mirror, not out the window, to apportion responsibility for poor results, never blaming other people, external factors, or bad luck."
"Looks out the window, not in the mirror, to apportion credit for the success of the company- to other people, external factors, and good luck."

I've had similar learning experiences. Very empowering to accept full responsibility. Life changing.

@Steve Lester: Lately I see your posting after I clicked on "submit" of mine... seems you have a very similar understanding as me. :-)

Oh, Boy, Derek - now you are taking on the Ultimate Conundrum. How much control does one truly have over their own destiny and that of others? If a woman is raped - is it her fault? If my house and possessions are demolished by a hurricane - is it my fault? Is it a divine punishment? It seems to me that we (humans, animals, nature, spirit, god) all collide in the progression of life that becomes history that we as humans try to decipher our place, our value in the story. I agree, that the swagger of declaring "It's All My Fault" gives me momentary release from feeling victimized and the hope and courage to think I can make choices here and now that will "manifest" the results I envision. And just how many angels do fit on the head of a pin?

Wow, proves the power is how we choose to view the world...how we choose...blaming or choosing to take full responsibility. There can be no wars..if we all chose to say "It's all my fault"..

This is tooooooo simple..and yet..it is the 'simple' answer to peace..

Tks Derek! I shared your last two blogs.

Derek your baby, your idea & conception CDbaby, well changed my life. It made me feel truly independent, a real entrepreneur, as I was a client of your's with my 1st self released album and that was while you were at the helm of your company. I didn't buy the company I bought into you. CDbaby now, It does feel completely different with out your spirit attached to it. Thank you so much for this, another great inspiring article. Always wanted to know you, how ever from your msg's, at least I have you to continue mentoring. I went through something similar to what you are discribing in this article, and I felt sort of devastated & until recently when I realized that I had a lot to do with my ultimate cause effect when I realized that as a result I'm doin so much better now. This is sort of conformation for me so thank you so much for sharing this and all of your thoughts, (articles). I read your articles, I haven't read them all, yet all that I have read have benefited me majorly just the same. Peace & Blessing's to you.

Man, I appreciate your honesty. It's definitely easier to say than do, however. Good thoughts here.

I heard the other day about several well-known contributors to human society being asked the question ..... "What's wrong with the world?" Everyone gave their profound opinion and advice, but one man simply said, "I am."

Derek .. You are quite prophetic. I loved your previous article about being local or global... what insight! it helped me sooooo much.

I wish you would write more.

Absolutely - there is an "out there" world which shares 100% responsibility but that's it - everyone has 100% responsibility and you can only change the situation by changing yourself. It requires courage, sometimes enormous - but is is the saviour and is the way to becoming empowered.

The root of all change. Mirror image acceptance.
When you heal yourself to some extent, you automatically heal the world, to some extent. No end to the healing......

Derek,

This is so important with the fiscal state our country is in. It is all our faults that we continue to send the same non serious people from both parties back to Washington to address our needs. We need more of this personal responsibility more than ever. I also had the same epiphany in my business when things started going bad. I am the leader and it is my fault for the direction we were going. After that awakening things have started to turn around and improve. I am also deleting those two chapters from my copy of the book. Thanks Derek.

Hmmm - in thinking of friends living with self-blame after abusive and neglect, Gary Alt is right. This idea, like all good things, needs balance. There is a place for forgiveness.

Me too.

Makes sense to me - I create my reality - both the "good" bits and the "bad" bits. Though rather than saying "It is my fault" which can lead to a feeling of guilt I say "I created that" which I find more empowering.

Here is an empowering exercise I have been doing recently that ties into this - I keep saying to myself (in my head not necessarily out loud) "I chose to do X" what ever X I am currently doing. "I chose to sit at my computer writing a blog comment", "I chose to be a bit hunger instead of getting lunch", "I chose to read email (instead of doing a task on my todo list", "I chose to take a nap right now", "I chose to smile". After a few days of doing this I not only felt great I noticed some habits and changed them

When "Everything is my fault!", then I can learn from past incidents rather than blame others or live in regret. Thanks for sharing this important philosophy Derek!

The real illusion comes from thinking you can tell who is at falt, the presumption of quit. We love that apple.

This was a good reminder for me as I build my own little business, especially the part about sharing ideas before cemented.

I actually really like the everything is my fault technique, as far as ownership of things going sideways and not playing the victim, and yet there is a small part of me that is remembering how annoying it can be to hear people saying over and over again,"sorry" and taking blame for everything. It's not a particularly attractive quality. I'm also hearing a voice in my head saying how self important it sounds to have someone think that everything is their fault. LOL
I'm having an inner battle with this one. But I get your point about the power it gives and how in the business sense if we are the boss, then yes, we are responsible for how things turn out. I guess, there are subtle differences in these two scenarios...subtle but important differences.
So, I guess it boils down to just knowing when it is and when it is not appropriate to take ownership of the fault.

Well if someone steals $9000 it's their fault, not yours. You can't go verifying every detail of every person that you come across and protect yourself in every way. So should we blame others or blame ourselves? Depends on the situation and the truth of the situation. Not how it 'feels' convincing yourself of some lie. Don't forget that most of society is full of selfish dumb people, so it's impossible to avoid all of them. If someone shoots you it's your fault for not walking around in a bulletproof vest? If some drunk guy on the road crashes into me it's my fault for not walking everywhere? Give me a break. Certain things may have been your fault in your situation, but but the truth is there's probably an entire blame pie that you all could learn from. It really could be their fault and they might even have 99-100% of that pie . Just watch some Tonight Show clips of "dealing with the public", and "jaywalking" and you'll realize it's hard to get together a collection of the few people in this world that aren't dumb and selfish. If you keep this attitude I'd like to be your employee, knowing that you'll think it's your fault every time I do anything wrong. It'll feel so good to tell yourself that! So nevermind who's fault anything really is.

You are spot-on. That is probably the most important universal 'law' that there ever was. If you believe that we are 'created in the image of the Creator' - that doesn't mean to me that we physically look like the Creator of the universe, it means that we are also 'creators' . . . of everything in our universe - the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. The most powerful and empowering knowledge that exists.

Derek...As I first read this I thought...Yes...I totally resonate with what you are saying! Then I realized I was really projecting this thinking towards the person I worked for. I was wishing he could find the freedom in seeing this side of the coin you have presented. I wanted nothing more than to see him and his business succeed, and though I have no trouble admitting that I am far from perfect, I always seemed to take the blame for every little thing that went wrong, including things I had no part in or knew anything about. I was also very rarely credited for any of the good things that happened because of my facilitation and that hurts. It is hard to get a grasp of what is true when you are caught in this situation. You start to believe the person who holds the power must be right. Unless you are able to step back to get a different perspective you can really get caught up in this cycle of blame.

My confusion comes in that if I am following your concept correctly, then wouldn't I in turn have to say that these problems were all my fault too? I guess you could say it was my fault for allowing this unhealthy sort of back and forth to continue...but rarely are things involving people with all their complicated relationships ever that cut and dry! When you truly care about the person as well as the business you are working for, you can't help but still see the good you know is there behind what is often madness created by stress. You keep trying to be the better person inside by hoping you can find a way to smooth things over and make things work for the greater good. Thinking if the business goes well so will we all and then things will be great....and the years roll by...and little changes.

I do understand how taking this stance could really cut through the resentment that builds when people assign blame. More often than not the blamer is mad because they feel that they are not being heard, appreciated or respected. It is really sad that so often BOTH sides are feeling the very same way so that this just creates an immovable wall of pride between them.

I think that extremely bright and motivated people are often their worst enemies when it comes to helping the people who are trying to help them attain their goals. I think there needs to be far more empathy and compassion for these very essential people who give so much of their lives and often truly give their best for someone else, to help grow something that is bigger than they feel they are, even if their best is not what someone else thinks is good enough. An employer needs to either help them find a way to work through their issues and problems, or have the courage to let them know when moving on may be the best thing for both.

The funny thing is, I think most of the time people really need so much less in the way of making them feel appreciated than their employers realize. Kindness goes such a long way. People shouldn't be made to feel stupid if they need things explained yet again because they didn't quite understand a procedure or comprehend your big picture exactly the way it is thought that they should. If people are made to feel bad for questioning, then they will eventually stop asking,,,and when communication stops, the trouble begins. People just want to feel like their commitment matters. You often spend far more time with co-workers than your family. Your job often becomes so immeshed with your identity and yet that part of you can be severed at any time. This is a great responsibility and should not be treated lightly. People are willing to give so much but they need to know they are valued and they want to feel they are a part of what is being created because after all...they are ultimately giving much of their life to someone else's dream.

One thing I learnt very quickly in my own journey home is how vital to our own welbeing that we take responsibility for who we are and the choices we make. I am where I am, and, I am who I am because of the choices I have made. I am not responsible for the choices you or others make.

If you would like more on this check out The Work by Byron Katie - www.thework.org.

Blessings to all who have shared, Your stories are a powerful testament to the human soul.

Thank you, and thank you Derek.

Great stuff...one of the only paths to healing...we need a big dose of this in our political leadership in the U.S. -Kudos!

So here's a thought.... lets take "fault" further back....

Take the mutiny in your company for example. You say it's your fault it happen. OK, lets go with that. You're decisions or lack of decisions created that situation. So lets go back a bit to the creation of you and your mind set. Somewhere between birth and the time of that company, your mind has grown and was taught to make those decisions or lack of that created the mutiny. So... who moulded your mind? It was you and those around you, the world and originally your parents.

Go back far enough if was possible and we find that we're a product of our past. "Our past" being that which goes back far enough that even that which happened before humans has created the mind set we have today individually and socially that keeps growing. This a bit far out, and yet the truth of it is heavy.

It almost sounds like I'm suggesting it's not "your fault". Perhaps another way of looking at it is not as "fault", as more of a river of existence and you just happened to be part of that river that had a company want to mutiny on you. Now, in hindsight, you can see back up the river as to how it happened. I'm just suggesting that the river goes back further than your company, further than you and me.

Just a thought....

Love
Dino

I see that you are trying to let things go by seeing the good in everyone and taking responsibility for what happens to you, which is great. But this post sounds to me like you are feeling guilty, and that too deliberately. You are still victimizing yourself. It is far better to forgive, because by doing that you are relieving yourself of the stress of thinking about whoever it is that hurt you. It is delusional to believe that everything is your fault.

Winner, Derek. Not opening the window and shouting, though. Heh heh.

What happens is a combination of what everybody does. If somebody steals from you, it's mostly the fault of the person who decided to do the stealing. If you gave him/her the opportunity to steal, then maybe you can take partial blame, but nobody is 100% faulty or innocent. We all rely on each other. If I write a book, it won't be a success unless others read it and buy it. You can't force others to do the things you want them to. We all are to blame for everything that happens.

Had good think about this one Derek and now realize that all the things that have happened to me over the years that I thought was an injustice by some other hand, it was actually 'MY FAULT'. It took a bit of searching the memory banks over the past 60 years, but when I really thought about the things that happened and blamed the other person / Organization for, I now know that it was 'MY FAULT'...Keep it up Derek. Most thought provoking and insightful.

Great article as usual, thank you. Expanding personal responsibility to include the whole world around oneself is the exact topic of the book Zero Limits (http://amzn.com/0470402563). Have you read it?
If you discard the slightly hyped tone and its inherent marketing you will find that the core message and practice are enlightening.

Cheers,
Nick

Great! I wish managers realize these things "as they are managing," and that more employees realize this about themselves as they execute their responsibilities for their organization.

However, I think the statement "Everything is my fault!' is a bit harsh, or the idea that something is always somebody's fault is harsh. Fault has too much of a negative connotation.

The gist of your article can be explored and looked at in the book, "Leadership and Self-Deception." It's a great lesson in a short easy read, although I have to admit that I had difficulty sitting through the very beginning of it due to what I remember as very elementary styled writing and verbiage.

Wow..! For many years I always ignoring my ex-"corrupt" employee. I just realized ! all makes sense now.
Thank you, Derek!! I am happy now :)

You are merely taking responsibility for your actions. What's so novel or difficult about that? And why is it such a relief to do what any adult should do as a matter of course?

Love your post! "Everything is may fault" is invariably the conclusion at which you arrive at a certain stage of personal power.

Before a person gets to that place, "Everything is my fault" is typically heard as "I'm to blame for everything," which can be crippling.

A softer motto, "Everything is my doing, not as the truth-as a way to live," steps around self-guilting.

The next level: "How can I apply love here?"

First I must mention that I am so glad that you are writing regularly here again Derek. I really love your views on things and one of few people I look up to as a role model. I loved the book and read it in one sitting. Anyways, back to the topic at hand, it's true what you've said. I've mentioned this before to others, and it's true. Whatever happens in your life, it's your fault. It may be a tough pill to swallow, but the common factor in everything that happens in your life, is you.

I hate my job, but "I" decided to stay in it. I don't make enough money but "I" decided it was fine to settle with what I have rather than finding ways to make more money. I could go on and on, but in the end the only change will come through you. When you blame others you're using them as a scape goat for your own decisions in life.

Sometimes when I get really angry at things that happen, I think back and realize that I put myself in that situation. It may not have been deliberate, but my decisions (whether way in the past or not) led up to what is happening now. Good or bad it all depends on you. Thanks for the great post Derek, looking forward to reading this blog regularly.

I was thinking along the same lines as Jeff Young (#61) when I read your post. Check out this amazing story:
http://rosariomontenegro.hubpages.com/hub/How-Dr-Hew-Len-healed-a-ward-of-mentally-ill-criminals-with-Hooponopono. The ancient Hawaiian spiritual tradition of Ho’oponopono, consists in mindfully repeating four simple phrases: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

In the examples that you listed on what happened with your employees, it was your fault. Being a good manager requires that you stay on top of what you are managing and delegating is fine but you still must inquire and follow up to be sure things are running the way you want them to. The other things that you listed"playfully" were amusing but of course unworkable. If I am honest in a business dealing and the other party isn't how is that my fault? You can screen or ask questions or do background checks but at a certain point you must trust and hope for the best. People who hold the view to rip people off do so because most people want to trust others and expect to be treated honestly.

There is something very freeing in owning the fault, isn't there? And, I have found that when I take blame out of the equation entirely, it's even better.

Nice brief sum sans disclaimers of The No Asshole Rule. For those posting & not quite understanding; this book adds detail. Nix the childhood trauma, focus on adult "navigation". Everyone needs a compass.

Derek,
Truth be told, not EVERYTHING is or can be your fault, alone...but, how you deal with everything IS your own responsibility - to end up with a good result, all around. We all get your point though, and it's well-taken. Don't let guilt eat you up, you're too good of soul.

There is nothing more powerful than taking responsibility for our actions and for less than desirable results.
If we are to grow from our experiences that is absolutely imperative and yes, it gives us a lot of power and control!

I LOVE this! It's the ultimate in taking responsibility / being accountable for your life. And, for the people who ask if getting abused or a disease is "my fault" - I say it is. I don't say that a person WANTED those things but I do believe we each attract stuff to our lives. The beauty in acknowledging our role is that we can then CHANGE what we need to change to either rid ourselves of the disease, get past the pain of the bad experience, etc. Those things take a lot of internal work to get your head around them but once you do there is amazing power there.

Derek, I already think everything is my fault. . .but I did just recently decide to use "It's up to me" as my mantra, and it is having a similar positive effect. So many things that I wish were happening, can only happen if I make sure they happen, rather than waiting for someone else to do it. Just in the past few weeks, I've made some good things happen!

One of your best posts Derek! Love the mindset of it's my fault. Most of the time we blame others when really it's our own fault. We should all work to do a better job of role modeling "assumed fault."

To some degree it was all your fault, but you can't expect your employees to share your amazing vision and standards. Unless you want to run a company like Joesph Stalin. Peoople these days are superficial, entitled, shallow, lack work ethic, have no loyalty, no integrity and would rather smoke pot all day and have money handed to them. I call it the Kardashain culture and it's a pop-culture dynamic that's here to stay.

How people react to a situation has little to do with anyone else. (Freudians might say "anyone else who is present".)

But . . . whatever keeps your clock ticking.
Uke Jackson

On another level, it is never anyone's "fault" because ultimately everyone always does the best that they can in any given moment - if they could have done better, they would have, and the proof of this is that at the moment, they actually were not able to do better. The dude who hit me over the head with a gun a few years back was manifesting at that moment a culmination of events that inexorably, unstoppably lead to the violent mugging. The act, the mistake wasn't good, to say the least, but that was the best he could do at that moment. How far back to we want to assign " blame? Cain and Abel? That for which we use the word "god."

Hi Derek:

Yes, cool ... thanks for the heads up ...

Time to recognize just how many things, in my life, have truly been ... my fault.

Then ... draw out the lesson(s) from the review of the result(s) ... and move on.

Merry Christmas, Derek, to you and your family; albeit a tad few days early ...

All the best

Cam

Yeah! It's really cool.
In fact, It's for about a month that I have changed my mind in this way.
It's really amazing.
I even have changed my mysic style from whatever-you-imagine to everything around 1950 to 1980 of America; you know, John Lennon, Janis Joplin, Jerry Lee Lewis etc.
Going in this way have made me to have more peace than before and move outer fighting with environment to my own thinking system.
I have a motto: "People never do anything wrong, it is the rules which should be powerful enough to convince them." And I should make rules about them to change them in the way I like.
I don't know if I could say what I really feel, but I felt what you said by my heart.
Good luck !

Amazing Derek, thanks. It came right on time!

I was feeling better after realizing that my ruined relationship was partly my fault and I had to become again the awesome person I always admired.

Now I know: it was all my fault, because I wasn't exactly that awesome person I was before! So obvious!

Good thoughts where we have the possibility for responsibility. But crazy when it comes to fate, natural laws... it is not your fault , Derek, that we have day and night .. four seasons, that somewhere in the world somebody dies ...... ::)))

Perfect.

Mistakes are usually caused by bad systems, not bad people.

That applies to us and those around us - we aren't bad people, we just need better systems.

It's our own responsibility to create and improve the systems around us going forward.

Great stuff again Derek. I try to see the world this way too. I can only control myself. I refuse to accept that there are I am ever helpless. By seeing every bad thing that happens as a personal failure I can focus on preventing them from recurring.

It fits well with the philosophy of kaizen that Toyota has made famous. It is difficult to continually strive for perfection while simultaneously knowing you will never get there, but every action gets you a little closer.

It takes a strong mind to live this way however. You have to adopt the mindset of getting up one more time than life knocks you down.

Thanks for the perspective.

Wonderful lessons and wonderful post Derek!

I like this concept in taking back your power and holding yourself responsible; I do believe everything happens for a reason and people can be extremely ruthless when it comes to business. But it is all part of your journey in learning how to deal and cope in real life situations and people in business ect. Admitting to your mistakes teaches yourself, what you should have and not have done to avoid situations in making sure they are nipped in the bud; brought to the surface and delt with instead of sweeping them under the rug for a short time until you feel like dealing with them. It's easy for all of us to do this as humans because our plate gets over loaded and little things can turn into disasters lol!

When people complain about a bad employee, or even an executive, I say "Its not his fault he's still here." No, its the fault of the board or his boss that he has not been confronted and let go.

The great thing is that when we act wisely and boldly, it gets easier.

Derek: You're rippening nicely.
(You can't expect an old curmudgeon to join a bandwagon.)
It's not a duality between local and global:
It's a triality between local (I care, you're in my face),
global (I like, viz. Facebook)
and universal (Frankly, my dear...).
It's not a my fault/your fault dichotomy:
That's a healthy start, but it's more like
a trichotomy of my fault/your fault/
what were we talking about!?
Joe

I love the idea of owning the problem instead of feeling victim. Although at the end of the day you can only do your best. People are still capable of being devious, cowardly, incompetent, lazy, and generally executing unreasonable behavior. But in the end the person that has to live with your actions is you. Derek you went through a particularly nasty employee/employer experience and your perspective ensures it won't spoil future endeavors.

Best
Ian

I just don't buy into the whole premise. Yes You can absolutely put fault on oneself for many situations especially personal relationships,but you have to evaluate situations in context. If people are assholes and they treat you like one I would hardly blame myself for that and believe me I come in contact with assholes everyday.I refuse to take the blame for who they are and how they act. Have you ever worked with and ego manic artist?
Peace,Jason

I can so relate to this, Derek. Thank you for this.

Taking responsibility is always a good way to start the healing when something goes wrong. There are times when there is or was nothing you could do, but usually it's more productive to NOT lay blame on someone else but study ones own reaction and ask, how can I learn from this and prevent it from happening?
Good post Derek!

This might seem hard to believe for an extrovert, self-assured, cocksure can do it all. But there is a flipside to that coin. Some people often, naturally search fault in themselves. And sometimes, there's no fault to be found, no matter how much they search for it. That can be very damaging.

Did the next two lessons follow along after that ...

- to forgive your"self" ... and thus others

- to love your"self" ... and thus others

Things to ponder ...

Thx

Cam

Yes it is so easy to blame others for what goes wrong, instead of putting in place steps to solve that problem for now and the future. The people that put in place and act on those policies are what are known as Managers that get the big bonuses at the end of the year. It isn't about being nice or being mean, it is about printed expectations that the entire company can follow. The more clear the policies are and knowing they are followed and enforced the faster the train can go without having to stop for repairs. Or something like that.
In other words, Great persepective Derek.

Good post. I don't think a lot of people take responsibility for their mistakes and actions. We all can take some control our futures if we understand what we are doing right, and doing wrong.

An nice insight for you to have Derek and thanks for sharing it! I think a common problem with "idea" people is lack of tolerance for managing people. Most employees want to be directed, and they may resent you for doing it if it isn't an artful combination of telling and listening - if it does not empower. But employees may become bitter and unforgiving about being forced to self-manage without a clear structure. Most employees are employees for a reason, they are not self-actualized enough to take rabbits handed to them and make rabbit stew out of them.

''It's no, no, no, no, no no.... body's fault but mine!''

Robert Plant ~ Led Zeppelin
I was going to quote the Nirvana song “All Apologies” : “Everything's my fault. I'll take all the blame.” — Derek

You are a wise man indeed Derek.

Taking responsibility for everything in your life is difficult. I struggle with it sometimes.

I've made a lot of dumb decisions which have cost me. (Who hasn't?)

These mistakes we make can be great teachers.

I like this approach. The trouble is that, in order to be able to assume fault, it's important to understand and that's not always easy... As communication is key, perhaps this is more about acknowledgement of not adequately listening or communicating.

Buddhist thought provides the idea that the world is born with us, and when we die — it dies. No two people see the same coffee cup. If each of us indeed creates our own "world", then all of it is our responsibility, or as you say, our fault.
Like many true flashes of insight, someone already got there thousands of years ago. That is a compliment to the quality of your realization, so well done Derek!

This is full of emotion sometimes the best answers come from this place. You win in the end and very liberating. I applaud you.

Wow, Derek!
What a concept! It actually allows us to learn from our mistakes and take responsibility for our own part in things. Amazing! Absolutely insightful!

What if you're never wrong, OK just a few times a month, OK, OK most of the time. Shit I'm a wreck. It's all my fault, even the apple. Can you forgive me? Hey you don't have to get hostile about it. Somebody pull the plug.
Great to have you back Derek.

Hi Derek,

You inspired me to write a goodie article mate. You are good like that. "Try Power Instead."

We can both take the "blame" for it, especially if it blesses some lives today.

Enjoy and thank you,

TT

Well, I knew everything was my fault. Now, I just feel better about it. Thanks!

There may be a few things for which you should not take like blame, like for bullies or abusers, but otherwise it is an excellent way to move on instead of playing the victim.

Forgiving ourselves for being unclear or unkind is another thing we need to do, so long as we learn from our mistakes and do better.

As always, so well said, Derek.

I find this perspective empowering & educational! I too try (perhaps a bit too obsessively) to mentally backtrack and figure out how *I* could have changed or avoided negative situations in my life. There is ALWAYS responsibility to accept. The skill is in discovering it...and learning from it.

Strength Through Unity,

Lynn

In reading your book, I got this feeling that there was a lot of hurt in the sell off of CD Baby. It's been a while since reading, but I recall the 'King' and 'don't give up the kingdom'.
I mostly agree with you, although I don't expect perfect results from every action I take and don't see it necessarily as a fault but a way it didn't work. We're probably just talking language semantics here though.
My philosophy here is blended in two ideas: (1) if are worried about something and can do something about it, don't worry but do something - otherwise don't worry. (2) shit happens, and that's part of the ebbs and flow of life.
In issues that you are really passionate about it is also difficult to not have a substantial emotional response to them initially as well. I actually think it is useful to vent that emotion - in your case by writing about the situation as one of the outlets. I think this 'fault' essay means you have come to the point where you have let it go emotionally and logically and I think it's a good thing. The fault you're taken responsibility for seems to be you owning how you feel about it, and owning the solution to the hurt.

I miss you, Derek. You're vision, abilities, talent... CD Baby is truly not the same home for independent artists. Having failed recently as a leader for my band, I know where I went wrong. I accept that, but understand that the team that supports your vision must do and mean what they say. Keep in mind that the visionary is not matched by those following their lead, and the expectation on the visionary to know more and everything is extremely high. Most people, the ones who pledged to support the visionary, don't look in the mirror and say, "I'm responsible for getting this done today." They say, "I'll do the best today I can at doing what I'm told." There are leaders and their are followers. There's no inbetween. Do I sound arrogant? Probably. But that is the reality. YOU, Derek, achieved some pretty amazing things and helped thousands of artists, including myself. Regardless of your mistakes, your achievements speaks volumes more. Let those who worked on your goals with you take some responsibility, too. It should be shared.

Great article & insights. Particularly love this part:

* Don’t like my government? My fault. I could get involved and change the world.

See what power it is?

Yes, this is a very empowering perspective. Thanks for sharing.

My husband's a rude person sometimes and it's all my fault because Im nice and giving of myself to the point that he takes me for granted. I think I need to change:)

Thanks, Derek
Totally loved this post
You are absolutely right!

If this content intrigues you, read Leadership and Self Deception for a deeper dive. Great book and great way to live life. As humans, we innately justify and blame which make matters worse...the truth is that we cause many of the problems ourselves...when you let go and understand this, you are free...and much more productive...but it is not easy work!!

Thank you Derek. I've been thinking along these lines for a while now, and I must agree with you; it's empowering and liberating! A good starting point for me was when I had a near-death illness which gave me a clean slate and courage to live more dynamically; Eversince I've been feeling that every decision, every person, every activity I am involved in all starts with my decision, and therefore, as you say, every consequential result started with myself. Thus; my entire life and everything in it was my choice -responsibility. It is very affirming to read similar thoughts from such a powerful person as you. Thank you!

Sorry. It's not my fault. I will accept responsibility when I should, and I do. But I have been in therapy for years to accept that everything that is wrong in the world IS NOT MY FAULT. Thanks for the unnecessary and mean-spirited guilt trip.
It's not your fault, Oak. It's MY fault! There! See! Problem solved. Blame me. I don't mind. — Derek

Yeah, it feels great, but apply it to everything and you'll end up thinking you suck because everything that happens is your fault.

Great work, Derek! Your life is now totally yours. After having been betrayed in the most brutal and calculated manner possible, by someone I deeply loved, I spent years blaming him. However, deep inside, over more than a decade, I always had this little alarm going off inside my gut about him, but he always talked me out of listening to it. I didn't want the truth to be what it really was, so I avoided it, and I set him up and let him lie to me about so many things that I already knew, deep in my heart. By setting him up to lie, I tried to transfer responsibility for what he was doing from me over to him. Yes, he was a brilliant sociopath, but I should have never given him so much power. It was a hard lesson to learn, and it came at a monumental price, in every way possible.

After years of therapy, during and after that relationship, my therapist once told me the meaning of forgiveness, and I've never forgotten it: "Forgiveness is releasing someone from the responsibility of making right however it is that they have wronged you. " That doesn't mean that what they did to you is "OK", or that you'll forget what they've done, or that you'll continue to let them be a part of your life. It's simply a 'letting go', and making room for better thoughts and feelings.

Love your articles!

Laura

I've been saying this for years ...

Hello Derek,

I put in my website, and my message did not go through. Man, that hurts; I wrote you a fine message.

Well, it can be our fault as long as we accept ourselves, and if we never make another demand we'll never again be angry with anyone else. I think it's good to take full responsibility for one's actions and words. However, I have seen more than a few times where one of two was not at fault in the least. The idea that if two tangle that they both bare some responsibility is just not accurate all the time. Certainly there are many times that both contributed to the problem at hand, and thus both are at fault, but not always. My wife and I voted against Obama, but we are in no way at fault because he got a second term. We are simply stunned with 16 trillion debt, and his massive spending that he doesn't want to reign in at all, that folks would reelect him with that kind of fiscal cliff looming. We are traditional Americans who want no part of his dependency culture that he's creating along with his other screwballs. Yes, a lot of my life has been made on my choices, but I have no control over others. If I'm driving down the road, and a drunk driver pulls in front of me and hits me head on, and I somehow survive I doubt I'll be saying it's my fault. If you can say it's your fault and not lose face that's a good thing, and conversely if I can say it's your fault, and yet have unconditional acceptance of you then I won't be angry at you even though I may rightly say it's your fault. I think that's what you're getting at, Derek, and there's nothing wrong with that, man. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Thank you!

Kindly,

Clay Wilson

Good point Derek and thanks for your insight. I like it. The past 10 months or so have been a whirlwind for me, both in my personal life and my businesses. This concept of accepting everything that has happened as being my own fault is incredibly enlightening. Whether things are my fault or not, this is still an incredibly freeing state of mind to assume. Once again, I thank you. The world is a better place because of you. Many blessings!!

Hi Derek,
When I was student, when I had bad score, always I thought that it was my fault, for no studying more. In some point of my life, years after, I forgot this. It is nice that you remember us that almost always it is our fault. It doesn't mean that you should load a karma all your life.
Thanks you.

I guess at the back of our mind, we always know that a part if not a large part of what went wrong is our fault but it is so much easier to blame it on someone else. It is more misleadingly ‘comforting’. So we denied responsibility and the world is to be blamed for the state we are in.
I was recently blamed for something that was not my fault. The natural reaction was to bristle with anger and indignation. I forced down my emotion and think it through. Yes, this time it was not my fault. But the cause for the suspicious attitude was due to a much earlier mistake made which was my fault. Forgiveness, even if it is well intended is not so easy to dish out. And we should not expect it to be so. So it is still my fault even when this particular incident is not. The realization helped me to more easily accept the blame. I chalked it as “karma” and just retribution for my past behavior.

Hi Derek,

Absolutely love it. I have recently applied this philosophy to personal relationships and it makes a hell of a difference.

Thanks, Jack.

Excellent Derek! If we don't each see our lives as really the only thing that we can control this view allows us to never feel like the victim....we can always make choices to change a situation...or remove ourselves from it. It is the only way to forge ahead regardless of the things that happen because ultimately we get to choose for ourselves what we want and what path we take in each and every situation. If we are wronged, as you say, we made the wrong choices while in that situation...everyone around us is simply reacting to what are actions are. It is very liberating to know that we do have total control over what happens to us...sometimes that has to be an adjustment...like a sail to the wind.

Hi Derek,
When I was student, when I had bad score, always I thought that it was my fault, for no studying more. In some point of my life, years after, I forgot this. It is nice that you remember us that almost always it is our fault. It doesn't mean that you should load a karma all your life.
Thanks you.

Lots of wisdom in here. It reminds me of a great quote someone told me once:

"There are two things in life we should not worry about; the things we can control, and the things we can't."

Derek,
The thought is brilliant, but "everything is my fault" is a bit heavy as it places negativity and invites negative karma. Not sure if you want everyone chanting this around the world like a black hole sucking in all negative energy... How about something more neutral like "everything is my decision" or "everything is my call"... or "everything is everything"?

I just made EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT as my wallpaper

Great post, Derek. You can choose to spend your energy in the futile pursuit of trying to control others behavior or waste your time lamenting or protesting against what others have done, or you can go about looking through all the angles to see if you've done all you could to make things work.

The most telling fault you mentioned that I could identify with was, "I confused everyone by sharing my daily thoughts before they had cemented into decisions." In a young and nimble business, a sudden opportunity can be both a good and bad thing, and sometimes doing it right can mean doing it after you've had the chance to think it through, which sometimes can even mean taking a pass on what seems like a stellar opportunity.

Good stuff on leadership. Please keep it coming. :)

Another way to describe where Our mind goes when we only half-way make a "decision" then abrogate the necessary follow-up. Loved your explanation
Thanks

OK, first of all, regardless of whose fault it might or might not it have been, it still sounds interesting and I'd have loved to read it! ;)

Second, thinking that everything is your fault is a power trip, simple egotism. How do I know this? Because I used to do exactly that. If only I had seen the future more clearly, if only I had read that person's mind, if only I had made a more amazing speech... etc.

We're all only human. Bad things happen to good people, no matter how smart they are.

It's funny how a concept can be fully applicable to one half of someones life and totally wrong in another way. I also think taking that moment when something bad is happening and trying to turn it around than and there is ver effective. Being a busker (street performer) I see how one smile can make a difference. Funnily enough a whole town can be having a bad day or a good day and who knows from how few people that stems from? We all effect each other and thats why I try to smile at people. I do think though, children that have been abused etc already tend to think "it's all my fault" and realise later that it wasn't. I think, changing a concept you have lived with for a while and turning it on it's head to see things from a different view is very effective. We do create the world around us I think, but in my experience it's been "be careful what you wish for". in the end, you can wish for what you want, you may get it but you will inevitably get what you need in the end. Perhaps a change of perspective is as good as a holiday?

Hello Derek,

Could you please let me know what you think of my comments at 225? I'd really like to know what you think good or bad of what I said, and I may fault you, or me (hehehe), but I will accept you unconditionally, and myself. We all win that way, Brother. Thanks, Clay Wilson
I agree. It's not meant to be a world-and-all-of-life philosophy that applies to drunk drivers, hurricanes, and such. It's just a light-hearted quip that helps me re-frame certain situations. — Derek

Thanks for the thoughtful post.
Doesn't the word "fault" imply single cause? If so isn't it a gross simplification
of most context or circumstance? This reminds me of Prof. Jerry Harvey's
"How Come Every Time I get Stabbed in the Back My Finger Prints Are on the Knife"
Harvey reminds us to ask ourselves in every scene "what is you contribution
to this situation?" And to own our answer and ask what do I need to contribute
going forward in furtherance of my cause.

Way too much thinking and not enough doing leaves too much time for guilt where ever it goes.
Just keep plugging along and remember, timing and luck.

This is definitely a unique angle and I agree that forgiveness only gets you so far as it doesn't always right a wrong or sit lightly with you no matter how much `work you do on yourself'.

However I'm not a huge fan of seeing something as `my fault'. When it is of course I am the first to own up to it, once I see it. And I agree it makes it easier to see what actions you took that led to the current situation or outcome.

But I'd only say it if it genuinely was my fault.

It could be too easy to start doing this for anything. For example if someone's grumpy then I often like to try and make them smile, knowing that if they took it out on me they probably had someone take it out on them earlier so I need to stop the cycle. But is it my fault if I didn't pick up on it and took it personally? No.

There's a time and place and you've certainly identified why the above decisions were your fault. The key is to learn how to make less situations your fault in the future.

Bullshit, Derek. I've known you too long, my friend and this is clap-trap. You don't owe anyone an apology.
You gave birth, you mothered, you grew. Yes, we all have faults. But it doesn't mean everyone you help climb the ladder is entitled to take cheap shots. That's bullshit.

You, my dear friend, have nothing, NOTHING, to be apologetic about.

Sidney Cris

It is very powerful. Also, it stops any further arguing allowing the problem solving to move on. Rather than continuing to research why something happened it has already occurred it is done with for whatever the reason one can let it all go It's All My Fault.

I think the whole world would be better if we all thought like this. I had a business fail for most of the reasons you list. I still think that the other party is responsible for their actions and therefore forgiving is a thing I have to walk through. In other words, they are mutually exclusive. But, again, right on the money, Derek.

as Will Sampson says in Poltergeist 2 "..Responsibility for everything..."

http://www.subzin.com/quotes/Poltergeist+II%3A+The+Other+Side/Responsibility+for+what%3F

which I beleive is straight out of a Carlos Castaneda book (sorry no link)

"I confused everyone by sharing my daily thoughts before they had cemented into decisions." What a great insight Derek - I often do this. Your honestly, as always, is refreshing.

One of the best posts I've read recently. Great and succinct.

This is a sort of variation on my thoughts on religions...that they are for people who can't or won't take responsibility for their own lives and the choices they make.

Hi Derek:

Another great and stimulating posting! I think that we really need to see this on a continuum. For some things (an massive solar flare hits Earth, for example) there may be no human agent that is to blame. For most human interactions there is some degree of blame on both sides and we need to be quick to embrace that. You recognize some of your missteps as a boss at CDB (I recall you sharing some of these horror stories at a gathering at NUS a couple of years ago). And those with more authority need to accept that they bear a far greater power in these occasions and greater fault. However, I argue that we should not go too far. It is possible to "blame the victim" and attempt to place the principal cause of the event on the one who is least able to affect the outcome. There are also events over which we have little or no control. A mentally unstable homeless man attacked me as I left a post office in Knoxville, TN years ago and gave me a black eye. I do not accept that I *caused* this - NOT my fault. I do accept that my subsequent actions kept the situation from escalating (I backed away and was careful not to threaten him after he hit me).

I've realized a long (maybe not that long) ago that I am human and do and will always make mistakes so I may not be above anyone else and realize poor decisions on my part have always had dire consequences but good decisions make life worth while.

I have a love/ hate relationship with being the 200 or 300 comment every time. I hope just adding to the noise here is alright...

That said, this is the Derek Sivers we crave! Yes, the sort of stuff we all wish we had thought of first, but are terribly thankful to have you to point it out to us. Brilliant. Now, lets see this action spread about!http://almostbohemian.com

Dear Derek, first, and really foremost, thank you eternally for the utterly tremendous gift of CD Baby !! I wonder how you might riff on an easily misunderstood Hasidic teaching which says "Treat everyone as if they are more holy than yourself." I see this as a wonderful practice, not that I can always do it! It puts aside debating about the "factual" reality of "the other" in any given interpersonal connection, but has the effect of always seeing the primordially encoded goodness in everyone outside of oneself. It's a different approach that does not lead to undue self-flagellation, while having the effect of humbly treating everyone with utter respect and humanity. Someone said "love thy enemy"and "forgive them for they know not what they do." Tough balancing act between self-blame, accurate dicernment, self-forgiveness, and taking responsibility! Here's to the evolution of our species!! And blessings on all of your good works Dr. Sivers, those past, and upon those yet to come! You are one righteous brother! The Sufi master Hazrat Inayat Khan said "It takes more than one lifetime to know how to live in this world as a truly evolved human being." Here's to it!

Derek: Its my fault is perhaps a pacifier to move ahead than precipitating into a decibel based noise. But is to be said silently to self and avoid repetition.. But when saying it loud is more of trying to wriggle out of argument on the losing note.. Silence and Smile are the great tools. Never letting the other party to know what is going on ..

so right - my zen friend has a similar thought process and i have adopted it: "everyone is doing the best they can with what they have to work with." it immediately silences BLAME.

My God, this is the clearest example of a sociopathic attitude I have seen in a long time.

The sole accomplishment of the passages above is a giant leap, devoid of any meaningful context, from a position where responsibility is shirked to a position where responsibility is assumed. But you do not possess a salient understanding of how one assumes responsibility for a situation (and it is always a 'situation' we must assume responsibility for.)

So, what of the X people who lost their jobs and suffered because of a failure of management? Even posing the question garners a twitching reaction for the average CEO.

No wonder entrepreneurs rarely contribute anything worthwhile to the domain of politics. This would be a great argument for Larry Summers or Lloyd Blankfien to adapt.

Derek,
This stirs mixed reactions in me. I always enjoy  your insight because I look up to. Recently, I was listening to a song I recorded and released on iTunes 2004 (thanks to you) and it is called "Guilty Party" where the refrain states "it was my fault". I thought to myself "What a bunch of crap. Why was I self-defeating and self-blaming for following my heart?" The timing of this post is good. I followed my heart when I joined CDbaby just like you did when you created it. Likeness attracts likeness. Your post also reminds me of Lincoln, the Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King and so many other great figures who were underminded and kept going. Mindfulness is the key. We can't make others be mindful but we can be. Power plays sometimes humiliate the inventors, but the originality still belongs to the originator. Superhero's  can't be a super with fools riding on their cape. This post reminds me to be humble but not humiliated. After the blame is done a new light emerges- a new creation. You're an inspiration and a game changer and that can come with costs, but more people have been blessed because of your ingenuity and sacrifice. I think when we find the superhero in us all it's because we're reminded of the importance of mindfulness, the nobility of not giving up and to not waste time with the negative forces. Eventually the blame belongs to no one....that is the sweetest reward. Kindness is not a weakness. Keep being kind (especially to yourself) because this world needs more kindness. 

This is how I live everyday.. I use to blame everything around me. And not being able to change people my problems only grew. I decided its my fault. And I've been able to grow as a person and am not affected by others anymore. Nothing they do is personal. I am in control. My life is way better and easier. I take full responsibility

I love this! In a short, ancient Buddhist phrase:

"Drive all blames into one."

It works in other situations, too. If you go into a conversation accepting responsibility, you'd be amazed about what the other person is willing to yield. The key lesson is more than just the strength it gives you to be not-a-victim -- it is also a little bit about recognizing that we all play an important part in every situation.

http://www.tricycle.com/web-exclusive/train-your-mind-drive-all-blames-one

Thank you for sharing the very deep thoughts. I personally think these are not something easy to share. And it's very brave of you to do let.

And I think it's a wonderful to take responsibility. Because as you said, you're the top and the buck stops at you.

I tend to interpret that when you take the responsibility, you're letting go of the past.

Thanks and Congrats Derek!

Great on first blush, but in fact, superficial and self-centered. Guess what? People aren't looking for entitlements because you let the culture get poisoned, they did it because they care about their livelihoods.

Everyone really is on the same team. They want you to succeed, and you need to help them to succeed too.

I think this is a great way to realize the truth of things in relationships and or situations. Since its always so easy to find fault in others, a healthy way is to look inside one's self to realize better results, goin forward and in order to release emotional baggage. One to grow on thanks.

I love you man.

Hi Derek,

I frequently tell people to blame me for whatever: global warming, injustice, bad relationships, whatever. It may or may not be my fault but I'm working on improving things & adding value. I certainly make mistakes & so does everyone else but that's not the point. Get knocked down 7 times; get up 8.

Keep up the good work.

So true! I lived by that for a while, and still, reading your thoughts, that's so much more to it.

More power to us all! :)

Yes! So cleansing and cathartic! I especially love the part about fake forgiveness. Thanks Derek!

You nailed it Derek - simply nailed it - thank you for writing this!

This seems powerful because it gives you control. But just as it is not possible that everything isn't your fault, it is true that you are not responsible for everything. There are situations where we are not responsible and bad stuff just happens.

Being able to properly assess which event we have responsibility or not is harder, but it is the best route.

Hi, Derek, yes, I see the joy in accepting how much power we have to affect our world. I also see the danger in seeing ourselves as so powerful that we can eliminate, avoid and circumvent sadness and anger. That keeps us equally distant from the world and the people in it.

Your friend,

Adam

Interesting approach and wildly positive (in a backwards kind of way.) I love it. I'll have to try it on for size sometime!

I once read, true leaders accept the blame when things go wrong. When they go right they give credit to the team, or simply to luck. It's just how we roll!

Thanks for sharing!

Great observation as always Derek. Getting out of the "poor me" mentality is the way to learn and move on toward creating something better. Personal responsibility is the only choice: Even if other's are the actors in an unjust situation, it remains our choice to perpetuate it or not.

Disclaimer: I don't necessarily feel this way about huge issues such as being born into poverty with physical disabilities in a war-torn country and abandoned at birth. You get the idea.

Just going to say this is a great way to analyze a situation -- IF -- you are a person of privilege. If you're not a white male and being oppressed THIS IS A DANGEROUS WAY TO LOOK AT THE WORLD.

Know who you are. Know who your audience is. Granted, nearly everyone who reads this blog is going to be a privileged white male. So flame away.

YES. Take the blame when things go wrong.....and go ahead and take some credit when things go right! Personal responsibility is definitely empowering.

I think we don't want confuse the meaning of blame as it is used (I think) in the article. My son is only 20 but already feels that he has a responsibility to uphold the weak, which would suggest that he would take the blame if he felt he had not done his best to protect someone weaker. Meaning he would take personal responsibility if he felt he hadn't done as he ought. He doesn't take well to being reproached or reviled, if one considers blame in that sense which is not how I read the article

Because we live in a world twisted by greed, there are lawyers willing to turn justice into a sick joke that helps criminals abuse their victims more. Those lawyers and all others involved who make a rape victim's life hell are not taking their responsibility to see that justice is served. Court and media circuses aside, taking the blame for leaving your wallet on a table would in NO way excuse someone for stealing it.

I think we can and should take resonsibilty/blame in situations where we have any responsibility or control. Not every situation demands or allows that blame be laid. If we had no control, we would be delusional to take the blame. That said, I agree and believe wholeheartedly that it is empowering to take the blame/responsibility where it is appropriate and say ,"It was my fault and I can fix it! or learn from it! or mourn and know better next time". In a thousand ways in our own personal lives it is better to take the blame(responsibility), which should not be seen as something negative, and move on from there with a new plan or a new goal or a fresh spirit. We need to understand that we can have control, make a difference, voice our opinions and have impact on the world around us. Better by far than saying, "It's not fair!" And wanting others to make changes in our lives. But we are talking about a relatively normal life. I don't think anyone is suggesting that in every single situation in every person's life there exists the opportunity to act. And... we should of course try to help those who are powerless to help themselves, but that's another topic!

My dad died in the World Trade Center attacks. My fault! I should have begged him to stay home.

I was raped? My fault! I shouldn't have worn that sexy dress.

Are there limits to this illusion of self control? Truth is, Derek, stuff happens that we can't control or even affect. I would think your Buhddist training would have produced a less self-hostile world view.

I've tried to take this attitude more and more. I agree with you that it is incredibly empowering. I was a bit down this morning and you've turned it right around for me with this post.

Thanks for writing.

Derek-

Perhaps you just read a book titled Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. If not, you're right on point and I'd suggest it for an even deeper understanding of the victim role, how it serves no one and the power of owning every fault to grow from, transform and heal.

Glad you shared this with your network.

NK

I did a personal growth seminar back in the... well, a long time ago! One of the exercises was to think of a "disastrous thing" that happened in our lives which we could not seem to move past, and tell the story to another person in the group. The first version could ONLY be told from a 100% victim or martyr standpoint, while the second version had to be 100% accountable. The other person's job was to listen in each case and if they heard you being "accountable" during the victim story, (or vice versa) they were supposed to remind you to stay in victim (or accountable) mode.

It was an astounding revelation for probably 99% of the people in the room and certainly changed my life from that point on, as I saw it's entirety as my personal creation. (the good, the bad & the ugly)

I think this should be taught in SCHOOLS at an early age so kids learn the difference right away and are empowered.

Hmmm... What would it would take to get that to occur?

First, thanks for sharing, and I am glad for you that you have gotten some relief for your pain.
Being willing to take responsibility or blame (not as effective a word, but we all use it some...) is a critical part of 'growing up', and a must for spiritual growth, and unfortunately, some of us never learn it (or learn it very late -though better late than never!)

I have to agree with the others who realize that while being able to take responsibility is a must for growth, saying that EVERYTHING is 'my fault' is dangerously close to a super-power trip...i.e. it is not acknowledging that there is a higher power, not recognizing the existence and co-creative potential of the other beings we live and work with, and in a sense is the other side of the same coin that contains the 'blame the other guy(s) for everything'. But it's a big start, and sometimes a temporary fix for an extremely painful wound which involved others' bad behaviors. I can tell that you are bright enough to get past even this to reach the ideal position of looking at each situation clearly with no need to blame either yourself or the other guy.

BTW, not too long after I had sent my first CDs in to CD Baby I detected a change in the 'air', and though I had no idea of the reality, I sent no more in after the first ones sold. Now I know why and what happened. Whether or not you were careless (not saying you were) or partly responsible (maybe trusting too much?) does not absolve those who took the company from you or who stole money from you. Those behaviors are just plain wrong. It is okay to experience anger... it's just unhealthy to nurture it or let it stick around.
Okay, I'll stop now.

Derek, I agree with you, however I also agree with most people comments, that it's a dangerous route.
I will speak from my personal experience. I told myself that "it's my fault". Yes, I stopped blaming circumstances and took responsibility, but it got under my skin. Overwhelmed my mind. I started to blame myself. I went down spiral. I hated myself. Not just in business, but my personal life also. I was at the edge of mental collapse.

Then I looked at myself as a silent witness. And I started to allow myself to forgive. To forgive people that I never did. I thought I did, but I felt it wasn't true. I forgave myself. For all things that I did. I appreciated all downfalls and people that treated me badly and I thanked them, because of all these people and situations I can be where I am right now.

Here is my approach. If something goes wrong, analyze it, accept it and let go. Take a lesson and be free. I believe in destiny. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't act. I say that after accepting and letting it go I can make clear decisions and perform clear actions without any doubt and it is always right for me.
Vlad

Derek!

It's not always our fault. We must learn not to blame others and be more accountable but not go overboard

So my sister got mad at me tonight and I said, "what!? It's Derek Sivers fault!" and she said, "Derek Sivers... I hate that guy!"
Just kidding...
What really happened was my sister got mad at me and I let her yell without responding too much. Then I stewed about it for a while, thinking of all the great comebacks I didn't say. Then I said to myself- "oh yeah, I read something about this today. This is my fault. Damn. But yeah, I have to admit, that does feel better than running the conversation over in my head 1000 times." thanks, Derek! My peace of mind is your fault. :-)

I am proud to feel and even believe the same thoughts on this particular subject. It took me decades to be willing to take responsibility for everything that appears in my life.

People get all huffy, when the word blame gets used... as if just using the word implies that the someone must have done something wrong. It's just a word. All of our best moments come, when we face adversity. Conquering blame.... is a freedom. Every person that has been made it through to the other side of the most awful crimes, to acceptance... has learned that blaming, is pointless. We can fix anything about ourselves, and it's not our job to fix someone else. They came here to do that themselves.

Blame.... is a side show, a simple game we play to avoid acknowledging our own perfection. Everything we believe or believe in, is what we see evidence of... until we re-learn to believe without needing to see facts, to make us feel secure in our assumptions about the "bad" things in life. Objectivity is impossible when someone is still searching for proof.

But when the game of life becomes, "wow, this shit happens," we start to live in a completely new world. One completely devoid of anything negative unless we decide to label it as such, and throw that opinion around. Perspective is everything.

And an open mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Well put. It is an empowered mindset. A slight tangent on this approach is it ends the blame-fixing witch hunt in groups. When people are trying to figure out whose fault it was when something goes wrong, save everyone's time by saying, 'it was my fault,' and start looking for solutions instead of blame.

Wow! So open and honest! And how often is it the "soft skills" that make things turn bad and seem unretrievable? Well done to reflect and realise how company culture can be changes, for better or worse!

Yes, truth. We should keep in mind that everything that happens to us is ultimately the fruit of our previous effort or fault if it's something bad.

So we should take the ultimate responsibility to achieve what we dreamed seriously and if somethings went wrong, it's our fault.

Friends and everyone in our circle do provide precious help, but it's up to us to take the initiative and lead of our own life.

Excellent, Derek! I think we all need to step back and analyze the things that have "happened" to us objectively and realize when, where and how it was of our doing. It isn't always, but often it is. If we're honest enough to admit our failings and shortcomings, we're on the road to correcting them and not only bettering our lives but also the lives of those connected to us.

Cheers, Brutha!

Isn't this going from one extreme to the other?

Taking responsibility of your life is a very rational thing. But that shouldn't absolve others of their responsibility. And that's the message I get from this article. I think the real superpower is to hold others (as well as yourself) properly and justly accountable.

BTW I'm glad I had my copy of the book before those sections are taken out. I'd like to think I'm intelligent enough to draw my own conclusions from what I read. And I like, no, I love a good vent out! I wish you added an extra chapter instead.

Regards,

Amazes me how simple your messages are, yet so powerful. Now to apply this simple principle into my life. And if I don't 'My fault, I should have changed my attitude!'

I totally agree with the idea,but you word it out too harshly..I would say that everything is my responsibility ,people around me react to what I do according to their values,not mine , and because of that I get hurt for ignoring the difference of standards and values, so it is my responsibility to counter this and think my actions accordingly. Fault implies that I did something wrong,but responsibility implies you are aware of the beneficial aspect , namely that you can change your outcome by your actions, and that you are in control of your life,not the others around you.

Derek, it's great to have you (and your pearls of wisdom) back again. :-)

Takes a lot of courage to blame yourself when things go wrong. Wish i could be that easy going... i usually feel better after getting some pay back...lol. But you might be on to something here :). Interesting read...

Very thoughtful!! And very true too. :)

Everything starts from taking responsibility. Funny enough business wise it was probably the biggest lesson for Derek.

Derek, your explanation of the reasons sounds like you are a student of business. Reading you book it sounded like you are a completely free person and do what you want and how you want it.

Are you becoming corporate? How do you fit the freedom and being a corporate together?

First and foremost - Thank you Always! You are truly inspiring.

As for your post; for the longest time, I have believed that passing the "blame" is an easy excuse - TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. All of them! It makes one all the more aware and sleep better.

Happy Holidays.

So in context aren't others to blame also! Affording blame in any direction is finger pointing maybe... with an air of negativity! Be honest with yourself and if you choose be brutal. But love yourself also. You're learning! Respect within responsibility! Responsibility within respect... Grásta!

For some reason I grew up with such a mentality; feeling like everything is an effect to a cause I was responsible for. Thus responsability is in my blood. While I still believe that most of the things happening around me are the effect of my actions (or lack of), sometimes this becomes a very hard burden to carry, even for a "superhero". As cliche as this might sound, I realized that it's better to take responsability only for the things that are trully important to me, even if other aspects get ignored. This expresses my view best and some times, some plates fall. That's ok.

Yes we men are lazy, for the most of things, and like a garden if we want to nurture something like a relationships or a business, we need to be constantly on the pulse of it, if not, everything will die. Putting problems under the rug will not solve them, only mature them but without you in the picture. So we are to blame for all of them. :)

Such a thought provoking article, as always. I have trouble with this as this actually puts a great deal of weight on your shoulders instead of taking it off. You cannot be responsible for people who are not on the level of human progression as you are. I used certain words in an upside down view from the way stated in article and comments.
However, in 'the end', there are many things that we learn as we grow internally, spiritually, mentally. Those things let us take a long backward look at the situation and, as you mentioned Derek, our lack of efforts in sustaining an accountable relationship between anyone that we deal with. It also, in the longer and larger view, allows us to see what patterns caused any person to say beat you or (in your eg) steal from you. That long look can be hard to grasp when we are in the moments. That is why we need to take this long view looking back and use it to look at the present and carry it with us into the future. The most important element in any of these factors is communication. Being your 'authentic self' each time you deal with others and come from a space of wisdom (rather than condescension) to check in on the other person's understanding of a situation (as mentioned in management).
I would say, "Yay, Derek!" on this one but for the lack of ideal growth in the other person. People with inferiority or other problems are quick to take the "I'm sorry for my part" and turn it into the title of your article. I say, "Yahoo for you, Derek" for letting go of that stress and finding a way to truly understand and forgive yourself as well as others; it is a 50-50 relationship. Beware of being taken advantage of your wise outlook as not all people are as self-actualized as you. It is a true-balance beam. My best.

I am responsabil for everything that happens to me.
I am the only 'I' in the universe as everyone else is 'you' to me.
I can never blame anyone for what happens to me.

Excellent insight Derek, as always. It's so empowering to open up one's mind and look at the same thing in a completely different perspective. What appeals to me about your "Everything is my fault" philosophy is that it distributes blame to everyone involved, including the "victimised" party. I've always believed that there's never just one party to blame in the face of any big issues.

I just want to answer to Lee Jenny Tyler's post - I think that is a really good point.
I am going through all these experiences now with a relationship break-up.

Part of the taking 100% responsibility for life is to wake up the equal value of all things. That means, if you have been sacrificing yourself - letting others take advantage of you, then you need to set limits to respect yourself. Sometimes it may be difficult to know what these limits are. Are you just shifting the blame or genuinely discovering how to treat yourself kindly at last?

I think the key is to imagine loving yourself, or do whatever it takes to love yourself and the "inner child" (subconscious that through hurtful experiences had and enacted, stores all the blockages) - AND loving others. You will eventually know what is the right balance of protection but have to keep surrendering to your higher self, innate wisdom, Buddhahood, God or whatever. Let it come in. I know I try to work things out with my head too much which invariably leads to more confusion.

It is certainly true in my experience that the determination to take 100% responsibility in painful situations is incredibly freeing and you can become detached from the suffering, so that wise, loving decisions follow instead of hurtful, hateful and vengeful tactics.

This is all ancient wisdom by the way, but thanks for pointing it out Derek!

May I suggest changing it to, ``Everything that happens to me is my /responsibility/.'' instead? Has worked wonders for me.

Also, for me the next step is, OK, things are this way now. How do I then lead them to a future to be the way I want them to be? :)

Love your work Derek! I like the fact that we can all grow into better beings from this lesson :)

Have you ever found that too much of "Its My Fault" can have a negative impact on you or those around you? either by way of confidence or poor decision making or other?

Derek I had a spiritual mentor named Winslow who used to tell everyone at our very wild and wonderful church that " no one has ever harmed you ". That used to make people furious! I got it and I still get it, now you get it and yes Derek, you are still making a difference in this world. Happy Holidays!

Love this!! Considering the obstacles of life it can be so easy to roll over and put up the white surrender flag of victim...because it never seems truly fair...but playing victim is hopeless and what you wrote here is the opposite ~ empowering!!! when I was 16, I had an older friend in his 20s who was on a mission to teach me about responsibility...I didn't want to hear it ~ at 16 the world was against me...it was everyone's fault but mine...as I grew older, I realized he was right...the more responsibility I take, the more solid I feel as an individual. Proudly owning your choices validates your current path. And although mistakes were made...the mistakes led you here, and here well...ain't so bad ;) Thanks Derek for the thoughts

The more I read from you and the more I learn about you the more I love you man.

I gotta get myself to Singapore soon so you can show me around.

Keep on truckin'.

You're awesome.

I cant believe they tried to push you out of your own company!!! Mutinous b**tards!!

Keep on with the great content Derek. Really enjoy your blog.

Cheers,

Mark

(I agree on most but not all of what you said)Its good to own up to your faults and short comings/However you cannot always assume the blame when others have a responsibility for there own actions(stealing/being a lazy employee etc. Sometimes in life there is a time to forgive because its a part of life's process. The employee(who over slept)and is running late for work(Thats your fault?) I think we can say your a good person and will assume the overall responsibility of the company. But in the real world(Not a Walgreens pharmacy commercial) we must share in the Fault category because we all have room to grow and better ourselves(Especially in a team environment)

I share this point of view. If I've learned something after watching Mortal Kombat movie a dozen times is that every man is responsible for his own destiny. We usually blame other people for bad things that happens to us because is more confortable than assuming that even after many years on this planet we still make a lot of mistakes.

To accept the obvious truth is really liberating. It takes away all bad feelings you had for people involved on situations where you've felt the victim. And it also makes you see that if you're responsible for your mistakes, you're also responsible for your success. There's no luck, it's your responsability to make things right.

Hindsight is 20/20. We all have faults. The fault is in believing we have none.

Hi Derek!

Thanks for the nice reading you offered again!

Yes, the feeling "everything is under my control" is a great one and the "everything is my fault" perspective definitely strengthens it up. Especially in tough moments I catch myself that I'm using it. But I think there is this other "wing" we could use to fly even higher: "nothing is under my control - things happen and I only can learn how to not swim against the current". Actually, this way one could gain another, much more subtle, level of control I guess. Not to fight but to connect in order to win.

Best!

Thanks Derek,

Another powerful insight generating piece.

M

Derek, I actually blame you for something. For pioneering a website that has sold more CDs for me than anywhere else on the planet (except for my live gigs).

Yeah, I really like this. You're right. It is empowering. Also the notion is responsibility taking. It's not just "be responsible" which I think is vague and not helpful since whenever I hear that I think "Gees! I'm already working super hard, day and night and you want me to be responsible? " Anyway, I like your piece because it's more like recognize your role and realize that even though you have a team that is capable of wonderful things the dynamic is rather complicated and if not carefully watched, worked on, observed etc. it can get off track. If it gets off track? Wow, the damage can be astounding.

Finally, I like this because it applies to my own situation which is in need of attention and gives me guidance on the kinds of steps that I need to take. The kind of mindset that is necessary to start to get things straightened out.

THANKS DEREK!!! This is empowering!! I literally already feel jitters after reading this and thinking about it. I am a manager at my company and I have found myself playing victim to a number of the things you mentioned above.

After reading your theory and perspective, I have already changed mine. Thanks for sharing your point of view and wisdom with us.

Dan

Interesting that you no longer require forgiveness in this world view. Except for yourself, of course.

I guess the trick is never to blame and always to forgive yourself, while learning and moving on.

Thanks for the insight. It's going to help me today.

I enjoyed your blog. Especially since I can currently feel the shift in my small company. And I know I need to do something about it.

Thanks for sharing

Duy

No Derek! I spent many years of my life and a lot of money in
psychological counselling to get rid of the good old sense of guilt, and now I have to start all over again?????!!!!!!!! I can't afford that - ;) !
It's a good song title though. Let's see what comes out of it

I don't know, Derek. I think it was MY fault!

Hi Derek,

A powerful lesson: we can only change that which we take responsibility for. It's definitely easier said than done, but it really shows how we need to take responsibility for our own lives

Best,

-James

The Four Agreements is a great book that explains this concept wonderfully. I read it like four times but I think I may have to read it seventy times seven in order to live it. Oh being human is so challenging. :)

Wow, what insight. This has made me take a look at things and I know I can turn it around. Thanks, Derek

Hi Derek,

What I do know is that the times we remain really angry with someone - that unforgiving, smoldering, volcanic anger that simply refuses to die - it's nearly always ourselves that we're really angry at.

Why didn't I say that? Why did I trust her when I knew I shouldn't? Why didn't I defend myself properly?

Well, you get the picture.

Here's wishing everybody oodles of health and love in 2013!

Richard

Here's something I dare bring up pertaining to this. As a conservative, I am a rarity in the music business. Virtually all of my musician and artist friends are liberals, and have stood behind the "it is Bush's fault" mantra for the entire Obama first term and continue it even now and I can only assume will for the second term. NOTHING is ever this president's fault, and even he admits that. So should Derek's insight not apply here as well? If the buck stops with you, as Derek is certainly saying, then why the hell not with the president? I for one am sick of the excuses as the country sinks lower and lower into the abyss. All we see anymore is finger pointing, and no one points it more than Obama. Any one of you artists who pat Derek on the back for this article, yet have blamed Bush for the economy and everything, are a flaming hypocrite.

Your grasp of self-actualization is inspiring.

Great thoughts! It's funny I came to the same realization about a year or two ago. I realized absolutely everything was 'on' me. You would think that is a lot of pressure, but it's actually the most liberating thing. You go from victim or passenger to being in complete control and making your own path. Thanks again for all the great thoughts you share.

This is gold:

"I confused everyone by sharing my daily thoughts before they had cemented into decisions."

Thanks Derek!

Hah! It's true! But God is it ever hard to say, and certainly more so publicly. Its the old "one finger pointing out, three back" when you blame. True for me too. I 'deep sixed" a viable hi tech firm with one really lousy decision I would not take advice on. Hired a CEO to grow it to next step. Turned out to be a business psychopath. Bummer. Lost it all. On my second high tech company now, much more considered thought. saying "bugger off" to so called self proclaimed experts, and taking advice from those in the company and close, known, trusted vendors and customers. Still a benevolent dictator, but working on "scrum" to open up most elements of our fledgling company. Curiously, some people just want to be told what to do and don't bother me with big pictures, that is your job they say!! Today I focus on serving our customers, meeting THEIR needs, not our egos, and making profit through the effort. Lots of fun.

Heh Heh, I toyed with the idea of CEO confessional web site where you could (anonymously) post your "sins" and the Great God of Technology (just who is it anyway?) would absolve you. Heck, it would be really good reading. Interested?

A few years back, a man drove his car to my property in Colorado. It has a magnificent view of the west side of Pikes Peak. On the wooded rock drive way He stopped and admired the view through a break in the trees. It is a thin place. That place on earth where you feel for certain that you are closest to heaven. There is another such place near Carlton, Oregon. The man with nothing to live for took his life with a hand gun. His car and body remained undiscovered for many days. A hiker found the car and called police. His family maintains an homage to his memory on my property complete with a cross, candles and flowers. The pall of death on this thin place, this place that we worked so very hard to acquire for our pleasure and legacy for our children and grand children now has a different meaning for us. I asked a dear friend who is a Protestant minister to join me and exorcise the pain by ask Gods blessing upon this place and to make it clean, to say prayers for the poor soul and his family and for their healing. I guess it was my fault for thinking I could actually own a sacred piece of Gods green earth.

Great. Those realizations about the employees all apply to me one-to-one. Very true. Thanks for sharing. Will check your audio book of which one of the first commentators posted a link.

This works, if the other side is willing to learn from your faults (aka shared risk/responsibility). Like us, here, now.

oh! Derek
you make the things look so easy to understand
thanks

Cool! Thanks, Derek!

Totally agree! Anytime you claim personal responsibility for something, you are in control, meaning you have the power to change what you don't like. As always, great perspective you present here that I never fully realized. Looking forward to the next blog.

my fault that my band is not yes succsefull.

funny. i feel better already.
thanks a lot

Obama and all you liberal musicians who have spent the past four years and continue even now blaming Bush need to read this article. Also, all you liberal musicians who blame the wealthy for all your financial woes should read this. The occupiers especially need to read this. Actually, without maybe realizing it, and I do not know Derek's political affiliation, Derek has captured the pure essence of conservatism in a nutshell. Everything about true conservatism is taking stock and pulling up your bootstraps and not blaming others but taking a cold, hard look in the mirror, where the solution to the problem stands. But most artists, at least the ones I know, have spent the past 4 years and continue now blaming everyone but their beloved president. They blame those with more money than themselves. Never in my life have I heard more whining and pissing and moaning than during the term of the finer-pointer-in chief, and his blaming and also-finger-pointing followers.

While I don't think living life like nothing is your fault is healthy or character-building, I don't think the opposite of making yourself accountable for everything is much better. I especially was bothered by "If someone is rude to me it's my fault because I didn't lighten their mood beforehand." No, it's not my job to responsible for other people's feelings no matter how unreasonable they are. As a decent human being I shouldn't make them feel bad or be insensitive, but to believe that I am responsible for any rudeness they did to me because I didn't properly entertain them in my opinion can lead to some serious codependent behavior.

I prefer "It's OUR fault." Both parties play their role in the dance.

I read this and understood something I had done but didn't know what to call it. Some events in the past have had me screaming,"why did they do that to me?", but now i know it was all my fault. Once you look at things that way you get this huge sense of relief and you can relax. I did this recently and I felt a big weight lift off my shoulders. Once again I love everything you write and reading things like this always make me smile. Thank you so much!

Great article Derek! I think the world would be a better place if everyone took responsibility (sorry for that serious work ;) ) for what they do. We can learn from what we do if we admit we can and do make mistakes and then move forward....Of course, I think forgiving the other person for playing their part is also important too....Just because someone did us wrong, doesn't mean that we have to react by doing wrong back to them.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing ...

Go hate Yourself!!! → Our system needs it!

:-)

Blaming your self instead of "them" is falling to the trap from the other end. You don't judge, you don't blame. Instead you go and understand. What you did made perfect sense for you, what they did made perfect sense for them. Still you can be in conflict, because you don't share your perspectives or realities. That's the magic of communication and people interaction. They can be seeing, living or talking about the same thing, still they can see, live and talk about something completely different.

Curiosity is the key to conflict resolution and it's very creative at the same time because you have to think your self into their reality (which makes no sense to you at the moment), into their perception of what makes "sense" to them.

People, both you and them, make mistakes. Everyone has some share. The question is what happens after? Who will take ownership? Who will change something to prevent it happen again? Who will grow even stronger via learning from mistakes? Or... Who will blame only others? Who will keep silent? Who will run away?

Take care
Jozef

Certainly more self-accountability is needed in our culture and it's an excellent practice to realize when you made a mistake. But I also strongly agree with the commenters here who say believing everything is your own fault is dangerous. Nobody can account for everything and everyone involved in a situation has a level of accountability. Certainly, as an employer, you had a right to certain expectations from your employees. Sure, you can definitely learn from the experience and do things differently in the future but taking ALL the blame on yourself frees the other party of their accountability, which is not good for anyone. And as the father of a young woman recently attacked on the street, I have to say that some unfortunate circumstances are DEFINITELY not a person's own fault.

Hi Derek! Enjoyed reading your insight as well as the many responders. Definitely good food for thought.

Peace & Love
Matt

What a great thought Derek.

Certainly needed someone to bonk me over the head with this one. Been feeling victim to circumstance lately.

Nice. Sounds like the realizations brought some healing. What if, by chance, everyone else had a similar realization, that they were totally at the vortex of their own experience of whatever situation arose? That is to say, what if there is no such thing as fault, or the 'blame game' so-to-speak? Then, it's not their fault, which leads to the gloriously freeing and powerful position of what you mentioned, PLUS, it's not because of you either, which totally makes responsibility quite an illusion! The best kind of no fault insurance, when we realize no one is in control.
Probably sounds controversial. Sometimes I like to just take both positions, which seem to create opposition, and just either smash them together or throw both away.

That is right on, Derek. “it's my fault” is better than forgiving, as you say. Although we have many reasonings and arguments to the contrary, ultimately we make our world, period. It's a world of the thoughts and emotions we entertain and no one is doing anything to us.

Love it Derek! Excellent post. What I like to call misplaced responsibilty seems to be rampant in our society today, so it's really wonderful to see your post about taking on that responsibility to make things move forward. Thanks for sharing!
Bob

I sold a lot of Cd's (Self Contained) when you were head of the company. And you also advertised and help me along. More than any independent company has done for my career Derek. I have a new Christmas single out titled "Loving You At Christmas Time" and will pray that it will do as well as my other music when you were there. Really miss your care. If you should decide to start up another company, I'm yours!!!
Thank you!
Blessings to you this Season,
Avis Harrell

Well said and energizing... and the golden saying still applies that "we control our own destiny!"

I think you are swinging from one extreme to another, both of which are risky. In reality, life is more complex and at best we can try and understand and rationalize and grow with it. Judgement calls are negative energy, especially when one tries to judge oneself, which turns one into a guilt machine, which in turn pushes one toward a major emotional cliff; i.e. a potential nervous breakdown. Be careful dear friends.. this is what happened to me recently!

Nice to see so many honest reactions instead of just praise. The "my fault" theory seems to come right out of the philosophy from the book and movie "The Secret". My take is that everyone can take the philosophy to whatever degree they like instead of being 100% at fault all the time. Of course to be a victim of random violence inflicted by a stranger is not entirely your fault. You can partially take the blame for not being more careful about he neighborhood you walk in, at what hour and for not being accompanied by friends. In lesser acts of malice one can assume more accountability for undesirable results. I favor a flexible approach to "fault".

I like the comment ab0ve that replaces "fault" with "creation". Most of the commenters seem to recoil at being at fault. And, true, for some things that happen in life no one is at fault. Most of your story was hindsight. Not much fun going through life looking back at being at fault. What's helpful (and hopeful) for me is saying "everything is my creation, or design". Even when creations were unsuccessful (and who can judge that, look at Van Gogh). Starting everyday, every new musical endeavor with that mantra brings a higher level of attention to detail to the whole creation! Thanks Derek...good article!

I blame myself for what happened at CdBaby...since everything is my fault.

Oh my god, this is so true. I had a really bad experience with an ex-employee this year. It caused so much mental damage, I needed an excuse for that and told myself that this is only because he's such an ass****. After some time I realized that it's my very own fault that I hired this guy in the first place or at least didn't fire him earlier. I still think he's a jerk, but knowing that it's my own fault is really empowering and feels good.

This is so genius. Thanks for sharing!

Way to stir things up Derek! Love it.

Not sure I am willing to completely deify the individual and make me or you or anyone the cause of all one's problems or success.

Yet, this is the right conversation to be had. It's adult. And that is refreshing.

Question: have you seen Thomas Ricks book, The Generals? I think he points to what happens when an institution like the US Army loses sight of where the fault lies.

Keep creating...and stirring,
Mike

Very interesting outlook! I am still big on forgivness, but I respect this stance and the courage/freedom to take ownership of the situation...I just might apply it to some of my situations. Thanks Derek :)

My neighbours are looking me a little funny, but I'm keeping those super hero tights!

Seriously though, I think that the empowerment brought by accepting that, "Though the river delights to set us free if only we dare let go", it is only by diving into the river and owning our freedom to swim within it - and our responsibility to learn how to swim - that the power of our personal passions can be best made manifest.

I'm a fan of how Jack Canfield puts it - E+R=O

Event + Response (mine, that is) = Outcome

Yes - it is my fault, and I can start to see the dynamic of how my choices, my outlook, my expectations, my words, my tone, my demeanor contributed to those outcomes. But in this physical realm of ours, we are all in the pool together, and we are not the sole arbiters of our environment.

But the other side of this - is that the Event is a given that you can't control. All you can control is your response/reaction to that event. Which is greatly determined by your beliefs about yourself, the universe and your place in the universe which determines your interpretation and therefore your response/reaction to that event. And you can control that.

Or in other words, want different results? Change your mind... Which is all you are suggesting here, right Derek - a different mindset.

I understand and appreciate what you are trying to accomplish with this philosophy Derek. However playful you intend on making this choice, it could have serious repercussions. Accepting responsibility for everything that happens to us, whether it be directly or indirectly is not always realistic nor helpful.

Sometimes bad things happen to good, conscientious people. Sometimes conscientious people make decisions that have bad consequences for others. S**t happens.

And then there are the people who couldn't care less how their actions affect others. These are the rapists, murderers and genocidal leaders throughout history who do their bad deeds no matter how personally responsible the rest of us act when trying to stop them.

Sometimes placing blame directly on the shoulders of those responsible is just as empowering as accepting blame for the things we CAN change. Knowing the difference is the key.

Isn't this the way the world worked 100 years ago? People were a lot more inclined to take responsibility for their actions. Somewhere along the way we've gotten very good at passing the buck. Thanks Derek for the reminder. You're right. It is liberating.

Hi Derek,
We are happy to have you back, your originality and pure
thinking is the best we've all experience for a long time.

Thank you for sharing,

Khalil

Derek, thanks. The stakes in my world are not as high but they seem so...thanks!

Love it!!! Used it on my blog today!!
http://lifeacousticandamplified.wordpress.com/

I agree with the ideology in this article. Take responsibility for your actions and learn from them always PERIOD. It's the best and fastest way to grow in every aspect. (Well, that and learn from the mistakes of others)

Derek I feel like we are soul mates or buddies and have watched you on this amazing journey. These thoughts are where I am at and have been for quite some time. You really are right on the mark with this. The only down fall, is that I had someone the other day say 'stop making everything about you', when I exclaimed I could've done something different to get more people involved in a project I was working on. I felt defensive immediately. It's a tough position to take. Either position is tough. Victim or one responsible for everything. But I agree with you. It is ALL in our own hands. Thanks for sharing this Derek. PS - I would love to share this on Facebook. Can I?
Thanks! And yes of course you can always share, copy, or repost anything on my site. — Derek

yeah! be at "cause" rather than "effect". i learn that over and over. thanks for reminding me again today!

Now that's what I'm talking about. You just gave me my New Years resolution. Thanks Derek

I've kept this mantra for a long time too - it's kind of an arrogant mentality to have, but it does give you a lot more control over your environment.

And to the trolls/dimmer folk - no, obviously he is not talking about things like cancer (well, maybe lung cancer, but you get it). However, when I was single and going out to the bars and say, got shut down by a girl I approached, I didn't take the standard "what a b*tch" excuse mentality. I'd say hey, I judged the situation poorly and should have used a different approach.

Really this is a philosophy that emphasizes self-improvement, which has always been a core part of my belief system. You're no longer reactive, you control your destiny.

Just like you wouldn't blame your dog for pooping on the rug ("I guess I should have let him out earlier"), I don't necessarily blame dumb people for acting dumb, or some jerk for acting like a jerk. Expect it and adjust.

Instead of the culture of victimhood, it allows for individual empowerment.

I'm sure it's a common mantra for those who own their own businesses.

Thanks Derek. The penny dropped. I can now let go :)

I have ten two-letter words for you. They help me ride my bike up steep hills and handle the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune:

If it is to be, it is up to me.

As ever, a very good one, Derek. I love that you spread what seems to me is real wisdom uncolored by religion. Good one, Neil, too, right above me.

This is such a refreshing post. Thanks for not passing the buck.

When you take this approach to raising a family, it gets deep fast. It's easy to pass the buck to society, the other kids, technology, but at the end of day, many parents are simply not stepping up into being present and actively engaged in the development of their kids.

Thanks Derek!

I need to do it more often but my hypocrisy lives in my left shoe and refuses to dance w/anybody that can't take a step backwards first...

"They were just playing their part in the situation you created. " BRILLIANT insight. I needed to hear this today! Thank you...

The human mind is stacked with millions, perhaps billions of bits of information that the average person accumalates from birth. Some of this information is real and some not, because in everyday life,when we do not know the facts about something in which we get involved, we tend to and make assumptions that may form mental pictures that are stored in the same vicinity of the mind where real events are stored. Therefore our memories are sometimes mislaid and can be unreliable. To discover the the truth about one's own life is to emege from the darkness into the light, to be free from captivity of misunderstanding and repression. Finding the truth about ourselves may not always make us proud of some things we may have done, but we cannot alwyas take the blame for everything. We are not alone in the world. We are not God. We cannot see the future and we cannot always know if we can trust everybody, but we tend to and sometimes pay the price through no fault of our own. When we discover that we have made a mistake and could not acknowledge it at the time because we did not have the wisdom and knowledge to deal with it, but later did, we then know that we have been living with a illusion, but at the same time with the same measure of realization when we discover that we have been victims of abuse of our trust we have to firmly acknowledge that we are not at fault. Someone else has made the mistake and cost us dear. We have been used and cheated by others in whom we have explicitly placed our trust, like a child would. Then we should never take the blame.

This is a great concept. I think many people don't wear the "Everything's My Fault" cape because society sometimes tags you as being weak. Sometimes I fall victim to that. I'm understanding this concept more while working overseas in Asia, where cultures clash. Thanks for another great article.

On the bright side,

anything positive happening in your life is ALSO your fault :)

I completely agree. The people who take responsibly for things are the ones who get ahead in life and stop being victims. Of course at times I may take this a little to far... For example if one of my friends gets cancer I feel like its my fault and I should have done more for them so they wouldn't have gotten it.
But in the end I feel better thinking that I can have some control over what happens next. Rather than feeling like I'm stuck in a washing machine of life and that the things I do has no effect.

First time reader. Wholeheartedly agree. As long as we see ourselves as powerless to make change, we remain the victim. Good for you to make it so easy to understand that simple concept. Our world would be different if people weren't afraid they would fail if they tried to make change. It is easy to hide behind victimhood.

Sounds like a Grown Up, wise, thoughtful process of a healthy person with compassion, wisdom and perspective of hindsight.

Good reminder of what we humans are hopefully all about. I look for a tipping point at which humans use this lens to see what we are doing do Planet Earth and take responsibility NOW. Thanks, Derek. Brilliant and humble as usual. Blessings, Joyce

I like this thought, but I already feel like this. Still I am bummed out all the time, I know its my fault and yet I still feel too stupid to change anything. Yeah feeling powerful is good if you know what to do with it. Maybe some of us are just too dumb to figure it out.

I LOVE this. I've always been one to take the blame and work to fix it rather than sit in the misery of victimhood.

I kind of believe that the way you are in the world, what you believe and how you contribute, plays a role that's bigger than just yourself. And even if you don't believe that, believe that you DO have control over how you react to events. Maybe you can't choose what happens, but you can always always choose how you react.

Hi Derek,
Once again a great article. I always try and blame the other person for the way I feel things should be. I feel like I am the "holier then thou" person in these situations and always wonder why they cant see why they are wrong. So I took your advice and went outside and screamed at the top of my lungs "EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT"!!!!!!!!!! I felt better and am still trying to look at life this new way. The funny thing is, my neighbor saw me the next day and said "fighting with your wife again last night huh"? Made me laugh that what I did to make him think that was MY FAULT.

Thanks Derek very apt i must say. Perfect timing. I'm doing a job right now and everything that goes a little wrong is my fault. I didn't allocate the time expectancy to completion. I didn't assess or planned the structure nor, did i make the rules. I just enforce them. Yea! i guess it's my fault completion will be a day late.

Yep! Definitely agree with that!

Once again a refreshing perspective from one of the most genuine people I've met online :)

YES! We choose our path every day!!! Thank you for sharing! :)

I don't think it is anybody's fault. Everything that happened happened for a reason. The guy who stole $900 taught a lesson to be more careful and not to loose much more money in the future. The woman who left after 6 years could have done the biggest favor by doing so. Not being more involved, probably, saved some time and frustration, because it is nearly impossible to change the system, the system is designed to break people. And the ones who don't follow the system live either in complete frustration, develop high blood pressure, or end up in jail or killed, if they live in the "wrong" country. Therefore, whatever has been done is to the best. Cheers!

Great post, too many people don't take responsibility for themselves and their actions. It's scary to realize you're in charge of your life

Wow! Reminds me of the Hawaiian practice of Ho'oponopono. The modern revived version of Morrna Simeona, Ihaleakala Hew Len, and written about by Joe Vitale in his book Zero Limits. Therein, you take 100% responsibility for your own experience of reality. Tuning in to your own thoughts and feelings, you simply say "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you." When you learn it from a live teacher, in person, like Harry Jim Uhane, author the book Wise Secrets of Aloha, you also learn you can use your own words to clear and reset your awareness, then move on. Derek, it sounds like you have done it well, in your own way, and I stand in my light for your total victory. Mahalo nui loa. Aloha!

It's scary realizing that you're responsible for your life and where you are in it. It's a lot easier to blame outside forces for what happens to you.

Rrrraaaarrrr! Conflicted! Yes I agree, when I look at the (experiences) drama I have created for myself over the last few years. I can see each instance that was all my fault. Passivity has been my worst fault. Yet, I also understand and believe that "it takes two to tango." In the end, we can't teach anyone anything they are not interested in learning. We can only take responsibility for ourselves and our choices. In this way there is no fault in any drama save our own. Pffffaa.....

Derek: I enjoyed reading this but everything is not our own fault. I am sitting in the Moscow airport, on my way to London then Houston. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up living in Kazakhstan. That was due to a job transfer and was definitely NOT my fault :))

If we had total control over our lives we would all be incredibly successful right?

Alicia

Derek, thank you so much. Reading this really cheers me up. Thanks again ^^

Derek, I like how you have taken responsibility for actions that may have led to past failures, and used the lessons to aim to do better from this point forward.

However, while I think it is a great philosophy to have from the self-improvement perspective, I do think that the reality of all past, present and future failures lie in a myriad of factors. Some of which are beyond our control. For example, no matter how much I try to help a situation get better, it won't get better unless the other persons involved are open to change.

Sometimes things are just not lined up to go according to your plan because they're meant as lessons. That's what I think :)

Derek - thanks for this. Great insight. In fact I remember thinking on reading the book that those chapters were a little at odds with the rest of it - this is now explained.

Also for me too, in my personal life, had a dawning realisation that there was a lot of baggage around me where I was blaming others but actually that is a cop out - yes others do things I don't want them too etc. but have I explained my needs, wants etc. well enough? Even if I have and they still do it I still have choices on how to react to that.

Thanks for the insight

Hi Derek!

Everything is my fault MADE MY DAY. 12.12.12.

After living in the states (new york, ohio and DC) for 10 years and Australia (perth) for 4 years -- I have recently resettled back in my nativeland (Jakarta, Indonesia) back in June this year.

Are you in Singapore? It's only a 1.5 hours from Jakarta. I am interested to learn more about your ideas and thoughts, recently joined a facilitator network in Singapore, so I might travel quite often to your city.

Cheers,
DY

Good post Derek, as always.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's not a matter of fault, but taking responsibility is admirable.

I like the representation of responsibility as "Response-Ability", or one's ability to be able to respond. If you take ownership of the situation it flips from blame to control.

All the best, and an early merry christmas.

Love, Matt

Hi Derek,

I read a number of your articles and after reading this I decided that one day I would like to meet you.

I have lived by my own version of this now for a number of years:

"I am myself responsible for everything that happens or not happens in my life."

I don't really like to word fault as it implies something negative.

I am also sure that there is a direct relationship with this line of thinking and success in life. It has to do with cause and effect. If you recognize yourself as cause rather than effect your actions will be different in your life.

Another principle I live by:

"I am capable to learn and do anything."

I feel like writing an essay about this on my blog ... later.

Another great counter cultural post!
When does book 2 come out? :-D

Hi Derek!

As usual, a very interesting article.

I like the idea of taking responsibility for one's choices - and your 'it's my fault' approach certainly does that.

On the other hand, that doesn't absolve the other parties for the wrongs they did to you. They are still responsible for their actions as well.

From things you've said it sounds like you may have trusted the wrong people, and if that's the case then all of the other evils would have flowed from that.

I remember a time years ago, when I met the slickest, most cunning con artist I ever met in my life. I was only saved by the policy I had set for myself in my business - that I wouldn't invest money in other people's recording projects, only time. Without this policy I would have gladly entrusted him with all my money. He was that good. Everyone else I knew did give him all their money - and he stole it all. The lesson was that it would be ego if you thought you could always see them coming. There will always be a bigger fish that you could never have anticipated. So knowing that, it is then possible for you to forgive yourself for the mistake.

On an ethical level, when someone has abused your trust, they have taken advantage of something that is a component of the good in you. You don't want to stop being the good person with the ability and willingness to trust others.

And another point. You can't succeed in business past a certain point if you aren't able to delegate. At first it is only tasks that you are delegating, but eventually you will need to delegate decision making as well. And the minute you have delegated anything, you have given someone your trust. So since trust is an essential part of business, you can't fault yourself for doing something you had to do.

So I guess in summary my point is that it is good to take responsibility, but you shouldn't be too hard on yourself... :)

Best Regards,

Richard

You nailed it on the head! I am responsible for all of the problems of our business. My biggest flaw, delegating ( a new skill I am developing) without following up on the details.

If everyone that manages people, took responsibility for these clearly outlined, and only partially listed, responsibilities, we just might have less to drink about! (At least for Alaskans:)_

Thanks for sharing the very list, I was trying to forget:)

Alyssa

Forgiving is one of two keys to unlocking a happy (and healthy) life. The second key is not to feel guilt.

It is honourable to allow yourself to take responsibility. But what prepared you for that time? Where would you have found the time to perfect every meeting, every word spoken, every judgement of character made? Things moved so quickly that you could not be expected to take responsibility for every situation that came before you.
No, but you can now! You can reply the events in your mind. Like an old film. Only you can't go back there because there doesn't exist.
Retrospectively you might wish that you 'did the right thing.' or expect everyone around you to play by the book and how those memories would be perfect if everything had panned out differently. And because we feel that we didnt perform to the best of our abilities, we blame others for spoiling and tainting those memories.
But blame comes with it a bitter taste and it makes us feel miserable with ourselves for feeling that way, so we choose then to take responsibility and blame ourselves. A feeling less troublesome.

But what about not feeling guilty.

"I forgive. I am not guilty."

You forgive those that acted selfishly, foolishly, angrily, with envy, in spite, out of greed. And you are not guilty for your actions. You take no blame, you accept your actions for what they were and you move on. And as Alan Watts would say, the only real thing, the only tangible thing, is NOW!

We all do it - and it's empowering to take responsibility for the reality we create! But sometimes we do have to go through a process, lol!

Always the highest and best,
Elizabeth

This was very informative. No I just need to spin its my fault that the guy in the SUV who hit me from the rear as I was crossing the street. Yes Iwas in the cross walk and had the light. I am 5'8.5 and was wearing a neon pink sweater.

I need a way to re-channel this to defuse my anger at the mounting medical bills and the very painful recover. At the moment I am not doing well mentally regarding this and I HAVE to find a way to release the anger.

Some helpful thoughts/ pointers/prayers would be appreciated.

Hey Derek,

Its called "Realty Therapy" and was invented by William Glasser in the '60's. He called it "taking responsibility for your own actions"... Nothing new under the sun! Cheers...

Sorry, meant "reality therapy"!

My philosophy for the last 5 years well expressed.

Great point!
But I prefer responsability although I agree ,sounds fun.
BUT I think we always do the best as we can with the knolodge and love as we had at the moment.
The question was don't hire a CEO who you trust to do the stuff you didnt want to do. Because your art was coding I agree with that.
Tons of kisses from Barcelona

"Everything is my fault."

I have different philosophy that serves me well for years:
"Everything that happen is a fact."

If something going wrong, it's not anyone fault (including me), it's just another fact that I have to fixed.
I take all the responsibility in every fact.

If something going wrong in my circuit, even though I cry, angry, happy, enthusiasm, it's not change anything in the technical side.

Say NO for failure!
Failure will happen no matter what (even if I anticipate evertyhing).
But if I receive it as a failure I make it easier for me to do the same failure again!
It's feels like forgiving myself for failure.
I don't want (and didn't have to) forgiving anyone (including myself), because it's not anyone failure.

I feel better to receive everything as a fact.
Everything just another tiny part of the puzzle.
Everything is just a feedback.
And every feedback is just another fact.
YES! Absolutely. Love it. — Derek

This definitely provided me with a precise list of things to take into account when I'm communicating with my team. I sent you an email about this. But, I felt that this post needed some more loving. I took your advice and made sure not to make the mistakes that you pointed out in this post and to address and correct all possible ways that I could possibly miscommunicate to ultimately, minimize conflicts.

Mea culpa
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mea_culpa#Popular_meaning

Great stuff Derek, as always!

Some of us think things are our fault a little too much of the time -- but generally, I feel like, whenever there is a problem in life, it usually is partly your own fault, so why not own up to that? When you take at least some of the blame, your attitude feels so much lighter and happier. You would think it would be the opposite, but harboring bitter feelings towards others does nothing to correct their bad behavior; neither does it help you move on to a better place. "I did it. I'm sorry. It's over. Whew!"

"They did this or that
Who are they anyway"

dude.... you have tapped into the future of human evolution. If all is one then EVERYTHING is your/my/our fault. This is not a death sentence!! It is actually the ultimate life sentence!!! Why? Because It empowers you/we/us to take responsibility of everything that is wrong with the world and, most importantly, gives you the power to change ANYTHING that sux in this world. Hat's off to you bro. . . you have discovered one of life's ultimate truths. So take responsibility for all the crap in this world. Then take specific steps to change it. ALL of it. This is the path to ultimate power and ultimate change, ultimat oneness and , in the end, ultimate liberation.

Great stuff Derek... I can so relate to this but from a different angle:

Couple of years ago I worked in a great public company but with LOTS of politics and a very bad organizational culture.

A typical day was:
- 40% - developers and teams blaming each other
- 40% - managers blaming each other in meetings
- 20% - managers"cutting deals" and building alliances in the corridors and kitchens, trading resources and making sure they all tell the same story to the CEO.

There was a product/project which was a total fiasco for 3 years and I got to be its owner.
In my first management meeting with the CEO (about 4 weeks after I joined the company), all the VPs were blaming each other for 2 hours with "who should be fired" for this failing project.

All of them were involved for 3 years in this project and even took (or forced to take) ownership to try and save it.
They all failed.

I was shocked.. especially when at the end of the meeting they all blamed me for this fiasco and for not managing it correctly - ME, the guy who JUST joined the company!

Anyhow, being bold and upset I told the CEO and all of them - "It's my fault, sorry, I take full ownership/responsibility for this... ".
Everyone were pleased.. they didn't care blaming someone who just joined the company..

After a while it became a habit. Instead of arguing myself to death with managers and VPs, I started taking responsibility for almost everything, even for projects that I had nothing to do with...
Why ?
Because most people know the truth, I know the truth.. so it really doesn't matter...
and most importantly - it enabled me to get things done quickly and succeed where all others had failed.

Derek! So glad to see you back! :)

Hi Derek,

Thanks for sharing this enlightening and liberating story.

It hammers home a phrase I've read so many times but find so hard to apply: "Life is 20% what happens to you, 80% how you respond to it."

For a while, my theme song was Pet Shop Boys' "What Have I Done to Deserve This?" but I see your point.

Keep these stories coming and may your family and you have a blessed Christmas. :)

Great article Derek, I've just passed through something like this... Once you accept that you are there, in that game with everybody else, you are free.

A very good questions to ask, after the initial anger is: what is the lesson that this person or situation is here to teach me?

The answer is always surprising and unexpected, but full of meaning.

I've had this view most of my life and while its a burden (and the cause of breakouts and maybe even some emotional eating) I have to say its served me and most of the people I work with well... but I am going to have to wiggle my way out of fault in a few years though.. its tiring..

Derek the Astute.

Love it.

:-)

Lovely.

I'm kind of amazed at how many people fully missed the point though and have gone into reaction. It is amazing how deep in all runs and how we cling so hard to it being someone else's fault which only causes us more pain.

What is so lovely about using the word 'fault' is that is does have such powerful threatening energy to the personality. But underneath in the essence of it, I don't believe that's what you mean at all. I think you mean fault as in simple ownership... but using 'fault' provides such a bonus trigger. Perhaps those who can't handle it being their fault could shout from the rooftops the reverse of that - "No one else is to blame" where 'fault' on them is inherent but instead that projects freedom on others as well.

I dunno - I reckon the drunk driver IS my fault too... even aside from karma and choosing incarnations... but every step I take and every decision I make (I hear a Police song coming on) is mine. I chose to get in the car that day and drive to town and be there as the drunk swerves over on my side of the road. It's also my fault if I didn't learn defensive driving and practice it every trip I go out. A hurricane isn't my fault - or is it? I chose to keep consuming energy and heating up the planet recklessly and I chose to live right where the hurricane rips my town apart.

Even the big things can't be disowned. Or even the trivial - I love the way you even make the angry/frightened people here your fault. That's right! It is!! It must be. It's not their fault they're angry at you... they're just being them.

I finally 'got' Byron Katie (BK) about six months ago and over that time I have worn the paint off one her sayings that I may have partly adapted - All suffering is caused by arguing with 'what is' - it's so annoyingly simple... all our pain is caused by believing the stories we tell ourselves and 'reality' is "divinely indifferent" to quote Richard Bach. If you don't know Byron Katie I always recommend people start here - with Oprah... of course... http://vimeo.com/9986742 then click the link under each of the three 20 min videos. Brilliant. And in BK's newsletter last week ""No one can disappoint you; only your thoughts about them can." Perfect. Oh I just noticed that 121 mentions BK. Cool.

PS
I think what I'll have to do at some stage is lie down and let Safari (Edit/Speech) read out all the posts here. This must be one of your biggest responses! Yes, welcome back to global. Phew!

Wonderful advice!!! So true -- perhaps this is what gets in the way of people achieving forgiveness -- because in their heads it's still everyone else's fault. And it's only when you can apologize for your own contribution to a problem that the problem will stop ruling you.

Thanks, Zoe

...and in keeping with the season, perhaps this is the secret to "Peace on Earth, Good Will toward Men"??!!!!!!

A CEO should think in think like that. Even if some obscure unit in your Big company has done something wrong, it’s your fault. You could’ve avoided that by hiring right people or setting right processes.
Personally I strongly believe in quote, “10% of life happens to you, 90% is how you react to first 10%”.

Derek,

I wish you Merry Christmas. Thanks for all your help.

Great post, but a bit hard to swallow all at once. Bad relationship? My fault. Bratty kids? My fault. Hate your job? My fault. Lost your mojo? My fault. Fired? My fault.

As an incentive to try and figure out what actually went wrong and prevent the automatic knee-jerk reaction of blaming everyone else, I agree that people could stand to include themselves in the blame-game -- but it's not likely that all the fault lies exclusively with me when something goes wrong. Still, knowing when to accept your share of the blame is a step toward self-enlightenment, I agree.

Wow, that's a lot of comments.

I think you struck a chord here. If everyone thought like this, the world would probably be a better place.

I'm gonna blame myself more often. And maybe I'll think of that Nirvana song when I do.

Cheers!

-Edmund

Dear Derek:

I thought I wrote my response to you atr least a month ago ...where I blamed you for everything....unfortunately I don't see it here. Darn it! I guess it is all my fault or my eyes are going ..and I guess that is my fault too.....

Hi Derek,

I really liked this. I have had similar situations with relationships, family issues, and bands where something happened that I thought was really unfair to me, and sometimes it was. However, by being able to step back and try to see what I did (or didn't do) that led to the circumstances for this unfairness to happen, I often see where my actions led to the circumstances. This has helped me to get over it better, because then it becomes a learning experience, as you mention, not an excuse to play victim.

I disagree with making "everything" my fault, because one of the things I have to work on is not saying "no" enough, but when I can see the role I played in it, it helps me not repeat the same mistakes.

Thanks!
Anita

even better than "everything is my fault," imho, is something very similar: getting upset by anything is my fault. some shit does just happen -- but we never need to be perturbed or harmed by it.

that said, "everything is my fault" is the closest thing i've seen to "nothing can hurt me."

I associate to Munger's wisdom

“Whenever you think that some situation or some person is ruining your life, it is actually you who are ruining your life. Feeling like a victim is a perfectly disastrous way to make go through life. If you just take the attitude that however bad it is in any way, it’s always your fault and you just fix it as best you can – the so-called “iron prescription” – I think that really works.”
Thanks Peter. I hadn't seen that quote of his before. I REALLY appreciate you making Munger's words more find-able. — Derek

I agree as far as taking responsibility for our selfs and ultimately we are responsible for our destiny but this isn't the absolute truth either. Say in the case of the Sandy Hook School shooting, it was not the fault of those first graders to be murdered. I know this is the extreme but the vile actions of my neighbor is not your or my fault. There is a relative innocence in relation to what happens to us. It's not all our fault. Maybe our responsibility but not a fault.

Years ago I learned (and I relearn and relearn) an important lesson: I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. But I can contribute to it.

Thanks for the reminder, Derek!

I will have to agree with Derek, that we are in control of when to stop a "train wreck", we always get a fair warning. The only time we are not responsible is when there is,An uncontrollable, incident or accident, and then, We must judge our own good sense , and make the best decision, in accordance to. What has happened. Very wise therapist , advised me it is " how you handle the crisis. In most cases we have a choice, in stopping something disagreeable to us.

The world is a big bad place, and to many people don't accept their actions. Responsibility can be scary but being all my fault is a place were control can be leverage empowering your future actions. Btw that power does look good on you ;)

This is the second time I read this. I can relate because I work in a leadership position and that includes working with all types of people. The freedom lies in knowing that when someone who we supervise acts a certain way, it is our responsibility to react in a manner that will improve the situation. It takes strength and courage to rise above the need to be defensive and take things personally. There is a freedom in giving oneself the blame when it is our fault!

Most of what you mentioned applied to me. Especially these two "I confused everyone by sharing my daily thoughts before they had cemented into decisions." and "I announced decisions, then assumed they were being done, without following-up to ensure."


Things are supposed to move, people are suppose to take initiative but even in a small startup, people are taking orders from above.


Thank you for sharing this.
R

Very good article! I have been feeling this way too and have been reminding myself of my power in all situations. Yay!
Thanks, Derek.

Hi Derek! Stumbled onto your website today as I was researching great blogs to learn from before relaunching my own website- reading your great posts and so happy to know you are continuing your successful path in life doing what you love.

My band (Pan Out Now- RIP) got its first huge boost thanks to you and your CD baby back in the day (mid 90's) and we were so thankful for your generous and supportive spirit.

Thank you . Looking forward to visiting this website for more enjoyable reading.

All the best.

Awesome Derek! This one really hit me in the face! I need to start looking at things differently..

Awesome post! It is indeed all about taking our own responsibility, because we can't change others if we don't change ourselves first.

Great! I will apply it lets see how it works!

I really like that approach. I've accepted this type of mindset some time ago but never really had it in a concept until you shared your thoughts. I was inspired by the bible passage that said Don't try to take the speck out of your brothers eye when you have a plank in yours... something like that. Its really help me cultivate deep relationships as well as always develop a strong emotional, mental and intellectual well-being.

When I feel that my wife has wronged me or treated me poorly, I start mulling over what she did and how bad I feel she is treating me. I'm in the practice of moving past those feelings and looking at the ways in which I was at fault in the situation. I made a vow to love her through anything. These thoughts of "its my fault" provides the catalyst for moving past the problem and helps me to be more thoughtful and proactive in my marriage. My moments of anger or being upset are very short. My moments of joy and peace are much greater.

Thanks, as always, for sharing. You really inspire me and keep me thinking.

I think this is a brilliant way to move the power balance in the relationship. Often the hardest thing to do is to admit fault. This makes it easier. Very inspiring Derek. Thanks for this.

Ash

Derek,
Very true and very wise. Thus it is enjoyable reading as well.
Thanks for the incessant inspiration,
Zoltan

I completely agree with this mentality and have lived by it most of my life. I only wish that more Americans would start waking up and see the world the same way. Society as a whole would be starkly different if people only knew how empowered they were to control their lives.

This is the greatest post ever!

ahah and how to write a preface? I may guess first step is to give reasons on why somebody wrote the book. Next one give a brief description of that book. Giving readers examples on how it was accomplished as your researching for a book. Next write all acknowledgments, thank all the people that helped in publishing your book as I remember

If more people could take on this basic principle, or at least immediately accept and let go of what takes place in their lives, there would be much less push and pull whining, and more clear perception.

Great post!

Omgosh! Couldn't agree more! Only god (perfect) truly has the right and ability to forgive. We steeped on the toes of our fellows, and they retaliated. It's so incredibly true. I've been entrenched in reading about forgiveness...but forgot this fundamental truth! What did I do? Where am I at fault? Love the reminder and the humility you showed here.

It's hard to hear, especially when I've been through SO much of the same thing. .... You are right!

Confusing everyone by sharing daily thoughts before they have cemented is a big issue I have and I never really thought about it until I read it in your message here. Thanks Derek.

There is another side. We should not overestimate our possibilities and role in what is happening around us. We have to understand what we can do and what we can't.

In general You're perfectly right!
Complaining is not a way. We must do all our best.

Hi! This is a very interesting idea! I will use it in my life. But what are the exceptions you mentioned?
An out-of-control car crashes into the bus you're riding and hurts you. Not your fault. You know. Things like this. You're smart enough to know a few things that really aren't your fault. — Derek

I don't like reading your posts in a hurry and delayed reading this one for quite long. Now I feel so rewarded I didn't skip it. Thing is I need this kind of thinking a lot and I start hearing it from different sources. Because my brain seems ready to embrace this, learn this lesson.

Thank you for conveying the power of this thought in the right words. I have the book and knowing the story feels like I'm now following up your personal experience, great connection.

Just saw this blog on another site. Good stuff! The song in my head is Chambawamba. 'I get knocked down, but I get up again.'

I come back to this article a lot.

I've come to calling it the Responsibility Mindset and it's transformed how I deal with my business, employees, wife, kids family, everything.

I'm teaching it to clients now too. This is a powerful way to go through life. Thanks Derek.

Agree agree agree!!! We've just hired our first employee and may have messed things up a little by trying to be the best boss. You're right... too much information and "sharing my daily thoughts before they're cemented" only creates confusion. It's just so hard to balance friendly, expectations, rules, standards and well......everything.
Thankful I came upon this today.

High five - you're the best!

You trusted people. It's easy to get screwed over when you trust others. There's no fault in trusting others. It's the fault of others when they betray that trust. Love is giving your heart to another and hoping they won't destroy you!

Just found this post.

You perfectly articulate the way I look at the world!

Your post is terribly irresponsible to your audience.

You offer no support to your claims other than it made you feel good. You took one specific and personal situation and applied it to the entirety of your life and urged your audience to do so as well.

Not only is this the epitome of extremism ( the same mindset that brings our society such notable groups as: Nazi, KKK, ISIS, etc) your central claim is hopelessly fatalistic. Bad things will always happen. We must all accept that some things are out of our control. To shoulder the blame for everything, is to commit yourself to a lifetime of guilt and depression.

Your definition of forgiveness is naive at best. If you truly forgive, you release all negative feelings. It's actually liberating. You should try it. See this link for a more detail definition http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition

I am shaken at your morbid correlation and the grim, seemingly unintentional, foreshadowing between your "new philosophy" and the song "All Apologies" because we all know the lyrics are the infamous self-deprecating writings of a man who would go on to end his life with a shotgun to the face.

You claim to be a writer. Think of your audience. Suppose a rape victim reads your post. Is this person to blame for being raped? What about the many of us who were victims of childhood abuse? I suppose this is our fault too? Were the Jews to blame for the holocaust? I would have to conclude, under your philosophy, that the fine people in the twin towers and on the planes on 9/11/2001 were ultimately to blame for their unfortunate ends, as well.

Your shortsightedness is laughable at best and at its worse a catalyst for a life of misery.

Please delete or severely edit this post.

Good article. Reminds me a lot of something...

"Of course it's my fault. There's no one else here who could be responsible for anything."

...

"When you do a fault analysis, there's no point in assigning fault to a part of the system you can't change afterward, it's like stepping off a cliff and blaming gravity. Gravity isn't going to change next time. There's no point in trying to allocate responsibility to people who aren't going to alter their actions. Once you look at it from that perspective, you realize that allocating blame never helps anything unless you blame yourself, because you're the only one whose actions you can change by putting blame there."

- http://hpmor.com/chapter/90

Everything is not your fault. As someone who went through a large part of life accepting responsibility for everything I am qualified to comment. This attitude allows others to forgo responsibility for their own actions which they happily do. Sometimes things just happen and there is nothing anyone can do about it. If the stockmarket crashes it can never be your fault. Accept responsibility for those things you can control, hold others accountable for things they control and pick yourself off the floor when bad luck strikes.

So,true the words you speak different way of looking at life's mistakes and challenges,thanks

The bullet points about what you did wrong with your employees is the making of a how to for people managers. Normally one only learns this the hard way - if at all.

Right on!
Since we are all the same being, it's always our fault

This really captured my attention quickly as I am always trying to assess my role in miscommunications as objectively as possible. Even so, when trying to find ballance in assigning responsibility for miscommunications, I tend to accept my own responsibility for the breakdown in very tightly measured portions. If I assumed more responsibility at the onset, communication issues would resolve quicker and with less emotional fallout then when I try to protect my own ego. In the end, after microscoping every angle of the conflict I always find I have more DI do with the issue then I would like to accept. Overcompensating sounds extreme but it is the ultimate destination anyway. I will be thinking about this for a while :)

I loved it! Very inspirational.

There is a danger to this. If you think something is your fault you feel guilty. If you get enough negative feedback from random encounters you will start to believe you are a bad person and stay away from contact with others, when in fact in most cases it wasn't your fault at all. Just someone having a bad day.

The ultimate ownership, here, of personal power. This is a thinking that takes one down to the bones. Love you, Derek.

I see where some commenters say this is a dangerous belief. Comment #495 deals a bit with this, and self help blogger Mark Manson adds a little nuance, while saying the same thing. Here's the URL

markmanson.net/the-prime-belief

Mark points out (I don't want so spoil his story, but—) that a man saved his sanity and his very life with this philosophy.

And hey, let's lighten up folks, only a Sith believes in absolutes.

Totally agree with the "everything is my fault" mindset. But one question. When you do this, you figure out how you can improve the situation next time. But by letting the other person(s) off the hook, aren't you just inviting this behavior to happen again?

IE You learn to better handle these situations next time, but the people you're dealing with see no repercussions so they can repeat the same behavior. I'm trying to find a balance between the two.

Derek, I had a manager Paula Rowe, when I worked in the secure unit that taught me this. It is very easy to blame others, put the issues on others. So as you say I changed this thought. The most common that I use is when driving, even a accident. I put the focus on driving and not blaming others. This makes me a safer driver plus I look out for possible incidents. Also in life its good to take ownership.

On the way to ‘Know yourself’ I drink from the same well as everyone, our common human nature. The capacity for good and evil alike.

How else to know myself but by experience, mistakes, stumbles, perhaps dastardly deeds, going round in circles … going mental, and somewhere along the line finding it useful to accept responsibility – not for ‘everything’ but for my part in the situation – whatever that may be.

While it IS liberating to just assume that ‘It’s all my fault’ – it changes the dynamic for me, it breaks a connection which isn’t constructive – this acceptance isn’t true for the poor human trapped by circumstance in a relationship where malice is directed to the partner who bears the ‘it’s all my fault’ yoke around their neck.

For me forgiveness has been a somewhat selfish necessity, as much for ‘letting go’ as for the conscious act itself – sometimes it’s not ‘your fault’ – there’s always someone else involved and they, too, are responsible for their part, recognised or not.

… I’d like to end with a joke … but that's the thing with jokes, I burst out laughing and can't remember them.

Derek this is awesome and the practice is great. I posit though that it can be a slippery slope thinking of everything as your fault. Better for the negative emotion not to be there against yourself either. Seeing reality as "I should have verified his claims" "I let our relationship plateau" etc is perfect. It is a sign of altruism, understanding and compassion. It is letting go of ego and that is so absolutely fantastic. It is absolutely incredible to see this concept being shared/taught in a way that can reach so many people. I have seen examples lately of how your book and this chapter in particular has changed many lives and I hope they have written and told you so.

Very great read, I feel like I can relate and pass on with my team.

This idea is similar to the core of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy a la Albert Ellis. Shakespeare said a similar thing when he said "Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." What we blame others for is actually the meaning that we create for ourselves when something happens. Just imagine what would happen to the litigation industry in the US if more people adopted this concept.

I love it! "Think of every bad thing that happened to you, and imagine that YOU happened to it..." Trouble is, when something goes wrong with people, I usually worry that it's me, but now that I know it's me, I won't have to worry!

A rule from my Book of Rules: "I own and am responsible for all realities that I am confronted with."

Also came at a price of countless hurts, disappointments and blaming, but any solid individual is built upon this rule.

Deep down I've always thought like this myself: "how have I attracted this situation into my life?" However, it becomes very difficult when you are the target for another person's blame, in particular when they are deflecting their own anger or self-created anxieties onto you, and no matter what you do to attempt a dialogue, any agreement can be overturned at their next outburst.

This needs something more than a friendship or association to occur - if they were only friends or associates you would protect yourself by distancing or, at worst, cutting ties. The hard part (and it can be almost intolerably painful) is when it's a family member. Someone you are insolubly connected, with whom you try to keep the communication channels open, only to have them flooded by unreasonable demands, accusations and emotional blackmail.

Certain personality disorders are known to create this kind of behaviour, and a small handful of friends have told me that there's someone like in their family, usually followed by "making life hell" for the affected parent or sibling (it tends to be confined to those family relationships). I once had a business partner like this, who was well-connected and a great initiator, but spent money on the promises of contracts and then blamed others for the resulting calamities. He died in another country after selling a system then failing to deliver it, leaving us with 40k of debt (limited company, phew). He wouldn't listen to our cautions, refused to be controlled and ploughed on regardless until the end.

That business relationship was my choice, but a similar relationship with a family member is not. Whether to continue paying the price for keeping up with their constantly-updated needs or attempting to soothe their anxieties in a crisis for which they are irrationally blaming you is an extremely difficult choice, especially when the consequences of stepping away threaten to trigger even more challenging and frankly frightening behaviour.

Finally read your Hell yes or no which is why I am commenting. I think this post is a bit privelleged, and could use a refesh in thinking as it doesnt read as timeless as many other posts. I understand that this is thinking related to not playing the victim and focusing on what you can control. But even though you can control your response, sometimes you were just simply wronged. In those cases you can still take pride in having controlled what you have control over, without the need to blaim yourself.

Interesting viewpoint. I guess (without having read the book) that this is what Jocko Willink is getting at with "Extreme Ownership".
In terms of self-improvement this is a great mindset to adopt.

My own thinking about guilt/fault/responsibility has been heavily influenced by Sam Harris. He convinced me of the absence of any real free will - or, for that matter, responsibility for one's own intentions, thoughts, motivations etc.

This makes it very easy to forgive others - and at least easier to forgive oneself.
But it's a poor motivation to change anything about one's own mental and emotional faculties because it encourages seeing oneself as a mere witness to one's internal impulses.

Great food for thought, Derek!

Revisiting this book after a long time and agree with Susan (13th comment). This chapter struck me enough to make a similar comment and add, I wish there had been a caveat about the very traumatic things that happen girls/women (not solely but majority). Being raped, molested and assualted is NOT the person's fault. I realize most of your audience is male (and so are you) so these aren't things that may weigh as heavily on you or thise closest to you. I do think it's a great concept (accepting complicity in creating undesired outcomes). Maybe in an updated volume there would be an asterisk here. Thanks for all you put into the world.

Responsibility and power always come in pairs, that’s why the victim mindset won’t work. Yes, it might be their fault, but it’s YOUR life.

Derek, you seem to have a lot of the ‘right’ mindsets build in as part of your default ‘operating system’, meaning you seem to have them at a very young age. I am wondering how did you come up with this ‘it’s my fault’ mindset? Is it someone’s inspiration or it just came naturally?
Just a lot of thinking and over-thinking the situation. ☺ — Derek

I heard your theory of beliefs in your interview with Tim Ferriss and had to check you out. This part of the book hits home. About 8 years ago, we made an agreement with my wife, that whenever something happens it's my fault. It saves alot of discussions, guilt trips and nerves. Something broken, whose fault? My fault, no need to discuss, I just go fix it or buy a new one, done. Lost the keys, who's fault? My fault, just take care of it. We have an amazing relationship and this decision was a big part of it. I think the idea came to us from the preacher at a $50 Las Vegas wedding ceremony. He said to us "Happy wife, happy life". Best spent 50 bucks in my life. Also some time later, we heard someone ask "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Putting the two together - it's always my fault and I'm happy.

Also thanks for advice on setting up server. Done it many times for work, never thought of doing it for myself.

Thank you and good luck on the book.

Nice post. I wrote something along the same line, "I am doing everything for myself.": hooda.xyz/blog/doing-everything-for-myself/

I'm sure this change in attitude just saved my relationship. Thank you for the insight Derek.

no. everything is not your fault. everything happens for a reason. you can only change your fault. you can not change other factors.

sometimes you just fails for no reason at all. there is nothing to learn.

I try to learn from my mistake.

Derek Sivers’ perspective in Hell Yeah or No offers a profound shift in mindset. By taking responsibility for everything in our lives, we move from being passive victims to empowered creators of our experiences. This approach isn’t about self-blame in a negative sense but about recognizing our role in shaping outcomes and learning from them.

It’s a powerful way to reclaim control. Instead of feeling stuck in resentment or frustration, we can focus on what we could have done differently and how to grow moving forward. It’s a liberating mindset that turns challenges into opportunities for personal development. Definitely worth a try!
Anna Ralphs

"unless it's a matter of life or death the other guy is always right." feels a bit soft to me. In a world where it is infinitely easier to spread BS than to clear it up, sometimes people need to know what they are doing right or indeed wrong.

However, I agree with the main thrust of this, humility and a letting go of ego...but with balance, and if you're feeding back do with kindness.

Wow….. I am so joyous the brilliance of reading this. I had an issue in the last few days where I was blamed unjustly for someone else’s choices . Shock then realisation were both doing a course at a standard where _ is surely in our past. I went through alll the emotions and then read your ideas above regarding accepting blame. The instant freedom the absolute joy of knowing a perfect way to handle blame.
I cannot be more grateful than I am to find this brilliance !

from the comments i can see this is definitely an effective way to boil down the concept of assessing your own responsibility in a situation. maybe this is obvious and a buzzkill, but i felt like i should say something in case anyone else who’s seen the effects of excessive self-blame on people’s lives comes across this article.

this is good advice if you're already emotionally stable and are able to parse the true, responsibility-oriented meaning of "everything is my fault" every time it comes to mind. if you're not careful with yourself, telling yourself "everything is my fault" is a good way to developing some serious mental issues. as cliche as it sounds the words we choose when we talk to ourselves really do matter.

i like that you said you can change it to "everything is my responsibility". this is definitely a better heuristic for people already prone to excessive self-blame, which is just as much of an issue as blaming other people for all of your problems imo.

i am happy for people who use the original heuristic to understand that they are accountable for their lot in life, i just wanted to drop a little reminder to give yourself some grace even if everything is your responsibility :)

Actually this was my philosophy and action process. It was burning me down and out. Then I changed it like this, "It's not feeling good, what I can do about it!"

Then it was liberating, there would be situation I am not feeling good and I can't do anything about it, then it is the unavoidable event and no one should be blamed for including ourselves.