Cultural meanings

One of my best friends from Singapore was visiting me here in New Zealand last summer. She and I were upstairs when a local friend of mine came by and yelled from downstairs, “Yo D!” I yelled down, “We’re upstairs!” He let himself in, helped himself to a drink in the fridge, came up barefoot and sweaty, and laid down on the floor.

My Singaporean friend told me later this was really confusing, since the way this guy and I were acting towards each other was so rude. In her culture, all guests are treated with hospitality. But to me, that would feel off-putting, treating a dear friend like a formal acquaintance. To me, casual familiarity is the most endearing. Mi casa, su casa.

Actions have no inherent meaning. To yell “come in” instead of answering the door can be offensive to one person and endearing to another. When someone tells you what something means, it’s never true because it’s not the only answer. It’s just one perspective. You might do something you think is polite, only to have someone tell you it’s rude.

A British woman moved to China and lived with a Chinese family for a year. She ate dinner with her host family every night, and became conversationally fluent in Mandarin.

One night, after she asked, “Could you please pass the salt?” her host mother scolded her, saying, “You’re being rude.”

The British woman was confused and said, “I’m sorry. I said ‘please’.”

The mother said, “Listen to us. We’re family. When we want salt, we just say ‘salt!’ You’re part of our family, too. Using formal manners here in our home is rude because it treats us like strangers.”

Manners, norms, and meanings are never true. This is important to remember when people tell you this is good, that is bad, this means that, etc.