Try to find their incentives

Middle of the night. You’re fast asleep. You hear a loud “BANG!” downstairs. Your body kicks into emergency danger mode. Eventually you find out that your cat knocked over the broom. Mystery solved. Back to sleep.

You’re trying to enjoy a quiet day at the park, but this annoying little girl won’t stop screaming. You leave the park, angry at a stranger. On your way out, you see the girl has been screaming in pain because she fell out of a tree and her leg is clearly broken. Your anger is replaced with sympathy.

These two stories are similar. When something is confusing, alarming, or unexplained, we assume the worst. But once it’s explained, we relax.

When we don’t understand someone, they feel like an outsider — maybe subconsciously an enemy. It’s primal and tribal to feel defensive. Our ancestors had reason to be wary, and survived by being suspicious. But once we learn the reason, cause, or origin of someone’s behavior or belief, we can start to feel empathy and connection.

When someone believes something that seems crazy to you, consider what incentives, from their point of view, make that belief useful. It helps you understand someone, and helps you feel less defensive. It helps you separate the person and the actions — to see their beliefs not as who they are, but as something they’re currently holding for a purpose.