Prepare your “no” and keep it handy
Someone asks you to do something, and you feel that pressure to answer immediately.
You don’t really want to do it, but don’t know how to say so on the spot.
You avoid confrontation, and say OK.
You regret it, and later think of how your ideal eloquent self should have said no.
I felt the pain of this, over and over again. Then I finally figured out a solution that’s worked wonderfully for years.
I took an hour to write a really nice “no” in advance. Considerate, but decisive. Not too long, but not too short. Generalized and versatile for all situations.
I saved it on my computer and phone, to copy and paste. Now as soon as I get an unwelcome request? Tap-tap-tap. COPY-PASTE-SEND in three seconds, and it’s out of mind.
No anguish. No discomfort. No resentment. No procrastination.
It feels rude to reject so quickly, but I know this refusal is the kindest I could have written. Yet it took three seconds to send. And I can use it over and over again. Amazing.
A few people have written back saying it was the nicest “no” they’ve received.
Next: I memorized the gist of my text to use in-person.
It’s so handy in those high-pressure moments where someone is looking you in the eyes, asking you to do something, and awaiting your answer. No problem! You have it memorized and ready-to-go, even when unexpected. You can be kind but decisive on the spot.
I won’t post my text here, since it needs to be in your natural voice. But here’s my outline, in case it helps:
- a clear “no” right away
- gratitude, since I’m honored by my value implied in the ask
- explanation that to stay focused on a bigger “yes”, I’m saying “no” to everything else
- good wishes, and if my situation is temporary, an invitation to ask again next year
Four sentences is enough. Nobody wants verbosity here.
I've always taken after Napoleon's wife Josephine. To a request, she would always say "no" right away, while continuing the conversation, in order to give herself time to think.
I think a quick no is considerate, because then the person is not in suspense as we talk further about the situation around the request. Sometimes might I reverse my no, but not very often.
Wow! Sean this is brilliant! I’ve never heard this before and I love it! Thank you for posting this. I might adopt this now, too. (Well, in-person where there’s a back-n-forth instead of email which sounds more final.) — Derek
Sometimes a simple “No” with a smile works well.
if you think about it. it’s such a simple truth with complex roots.
I admire people who can say 'no' in a way that sounds and feels genuine, authentic, and compassionate. It's way better than ghosting - for both people.
Loved the outline! Thank you! I will also use it :)
My way of handling a rejection, is:
1. "No" right away
2. "I have 3 reasons why"
3. "Thank you and wish you the best"
#2 gives the other person the feeling that I thought my "no" through
Another good way is asking the question whose answer will explain your no.
They: Want to come to the party?
You: Will there be alcohol and loud music and lots of people?
They: Yes
You: Then I won't join. Thank you!
I have both a slightly longer "no" on my website that I point people to when then contact me via email. I also have a shorter one prepared that changes slightly with the context of the request -- essentially, it's "Sorry, but I don't have the time/skills/motivation and I'm not sure when or if I'll have the time/skills/motivation."
Both seem to work. At least, for a good chunk of the requests that I receive.
John Wick represents a very particular kind of “no.”Not loud. Not emotional. Not full of explanations.
People try to pressure him, negotiate with him, and pull him into decisions he has already made peace with. But what makes those moments powerful is not violence or intimidation… it’s certainty.
His character reflects an idea that Derek Sivers mentions in his article: a real “no” does not always need justification. Sometimes the strongest response is a calm refusal without unnecessary words.
Many people say “yes” because they fear disappointing others, creating conflict, or being misunderstood. But there are moments in life where saying “no” becomes necessary to protect your time, your peace, your priorities, or even your identity.
That’s why this kind of refusal feels powerful.Not because it is aggressive, but because it is clear.
Saying "No" in online world is not that big deal but when someone is looking at your eyes it's a real challenge.
My late dad used the 'Josephine technique' in normal conversation. We always assumed he didn't hear properly or didn't understand. In later life, he confessed it was a ploy to buy time to think of his response.
Thank you for sharing!
A couple of years ago, I read a book where the author suggested that if someone asked for a meeting, instead of rejecting them outright, I should ask them to email me in the middle of the night in their time zone. At the same time, I’d tell them I’d reply at that exact time. Usually, most people found it difficult to send the email punctually. Some would ask, “Are you sleeping then?” and I’d answer, “Yes, but I work around the clock.” Unsurprisingly, they’d be shocked and leave immediately. By setting one or two conditions like this for those who wanted to meet me, I could determine whether they were truly willing to “pay” something for the meeting—not in terms of money, since money alone wasn’t a meaningful measure, but something beyond it.
My favorite part about this is the invitation to ask again.
I think I've gotten very good at just saying no to things I don't want to do anymore - could have something to do with being a burnt-out people pleaser! LOL. But we love it here!
I love the proactive approach. I’m adapting this to saying no to ideas that don’t fit my current business strategy. As head of retention, I’m approached from almost everyone in the company with an idea on how to improve business- this creates a sea scroll of ‘priorities’ where nothing gets accomplished.
I love the proactive approach. I’m adapting this to saying no to ideas that don’t fit my current business strategy. As head of retention, I’m approached from almost everyone in the company with an idea on how to improve business- this creates a sea scroll of ‘priorities’ where nothing gets accomplished.
This is an excellent post.
I will compose my "no, thank you" in Notes to copy and paste.
Also, a random thought...
I would love to excise the term "no problem" from our lexicon.
It is rarely or ever used correctly and has somehow supplanted "you're welcome" as the go to response for "thank you".
It may be curmudgeonly of me but for some reason the it jolts me every time I say "thanks" or "thank you" and get "no problem" as a response.
Regards,
Tom
Thanks for this, Derek! I just used this approach to quit a weekly commitment that clearly wasn't a 'Hell Yeah' for me anymore. Saying no to that unpromising project has finally freed up my weekends to focus on what actually matters to me—like reading, spending time with my family, practicing Tai Chi, or simply enjoying the luxury of doing absolutely nothing. Game-changer.
The ability to say "No" comes up many times in dealing with a parent, especially when you are now the parent for a parent. They become so dependent on you, but, many times, you have to say "No." for your own sanity.
This is a big one! I do appreciate your input and everyone’s insight. For me that is a difficult answer because my first impulse is always yes and with enthusiasm. I love to share activities and going to gatherings, but now that I’m older, I realize that I need to practice more “ no “ because sometimes I see that it was a nice idea but I see that my week is packed off or I don’t have the energy I used to have. This is a practice I need to apply more because my energy and my priorities are changing.
Thanks for sharing!
This is a big one! I do appreciate your input and everyone’s insight. For me that is a difficult answer because my first impulse is always yes and with enthusiasm. I love to share activities and going to gatherings, but now that I’m older, I realize that I need to practice more “ no “ because sometimes I see that it was a nice idea but I see that my week is packed off or I don’t have the energy I used to have. This is a practice I need to apply more because my energy and my priorities are changing.
Thanks for sharing!
Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. Matthew 5:37 (ESV)
Reminds me of one of my best friends. He's also an introvert. Often when I ask him to do something spontaneous, he will simply not want to do it! It's quite hilarious since I am a little bit different in this way. I always like to hang out with him and often he has to ask me to leave him alone. He does love texting more than hanging out, I am starting to think.
I love introverted people, they are so special, unique, cute and often really skilled and creative. So much admiration.
This is the best advice I've heard in a long time.
Thanks for sharing, I've completed my "no" text to have handy.
Derek:
I've found myself in these situations. I must say, for me I've always felt natural within to say no without any compunction from the get go. Many times as we age, issues we'd labor over earlier in our lives, become much simpler to achieve later on. I do like your approach. Have a wonderful week and remaining 2026. ~Mark 🧡🎶🎵👌
Hi Derek!
I wish I had your “no” message handy. A couple of months ago, someone reached out to me on SoundCloud and referred me to “Chris Manning” managing director from the Orchard. He expressed interest in my potential and persistently proceeded to request $640 for a set up fee. I asked a good friend who’s a music sup. and composer about this guy. He said he met him once at a conference. Later I figured out someone was using his name to get $ out of me. Fortunately, I was able to recoup the $ that was stolen via my bank. But I learned a valuable lesson. Wishing you continued success. Best, Larry
Larry! Great to hear from you. (Readers, Larry and I go WAY back to the 90s.) Thanks for this story. — Derek
I've gotten much better at the "no", especially after recognizing that my "no" always starts out as a "yes, I think I can manage to fit that in."
It's the hardest thing in the world to say no. And thus, having a considerate ready-made formula is ingenious…and respectful to both parties.
A good mantra is.
I never say "no" to anything, and I've felt burnt out quite often.
Pre-writing my gentle and considerate "no" might just be the pill I need to swallow now!
The essential follow-up to hell yeah, or no. Saying no politely. Thanks for sharing.
My French version of no (non) :
www.agelebart.fr/non
Inspired by StarterStory and your book "Hell yes or no" ! ;-)
I started using a physical over digital planner for this reason. I leave it at home so anytime someone’s asks me to do something I tell them I have to wait until I get home to check. It gives me the space to realize whether or not I actually want to do something.
I have created a default no for myself so that I can send it off to people when I am approached with incoming requests. This is such a no-brainer but I never actually thought to do it until I read your piece.
Remember, "no" is a complete sentence.
"No, thank you" is a nicer complete sentence.
Thank you, Derek, for the architecture of saying no! For me, it’s a contextual response. If it’s someone I don’t know nor care to know, it’s simply “No thanks.” If it’s someone I love or care about, I might use your strategy with an extra layer of gratitude or explanation. For people I know and care about, your scheme is perfect!
Just what I needed!
Hi Derek,
I wish I had gotten this yesterday. Now I’m stuck putting up a fence because my brothers to cheap to hire a professional. As my grandson said, why do it right, when you can do it yourself.
Yes, very timely.
Thank you Derek.
Susan
This remains a favorite, from E.B. White.
September 28, 1956
Dear Mr. Adams:
Thank you for your letter inviting me to join the Committee of the Arts and Sciences for Eisenhower.
I must decline, for secret reasons.
Sincerely,
E.B. White
There is something ironic how the first word most of us learn as a child is "NO" yet somehow, as adults, we struggle to use "NO" as often as we should.
Love this. I used to struggle with this but Essentialism taught me the art of the quick no and slow yes. But this takes it a beautiful step further. Thank you.
"Your Power To Say No" was a nine-page booklet published in the 80s by American philosopher Vernon Howard. I found it in the 90s and have referred to it many times. It's exactly what you're talking about here and explains all of the psychological schemes others use to try to get you to say 'yes'. You can find it online, and it's worth the time. Thanks for reminding us, Derek.
No, Derek, I will not accept your answer. I appreciate that you don’t want to invest in an old guy like me, but consider that this is truly disruptive deep tech! Now I need your help building the playbooks.
prrrrrrfect this is exactly what folks need !
: ADD
: Procrastinate
: failure to anticipate
xoxoxo
In some situations I simply reply: Why do you ask?
Of course this is contextual, but often the requestor talks themselves out of the request. It becomes their idea to take another direction, and sometimes they thank you.
thanks. great advice!
I’m really divided on this one. On the one hand saying no seems so cruel if the ask if for genuine help. But seems completely normal if it’s a request for something like going to a party or giving out money.
This is a brilliant hack, and I am adopting it immediately. I like the highly relational strategy of honoring the ask, in addition to stating the boundary.
No thoughts.
Thanks so much for asking!
I’m trying not to get caught up in leaving comments so I have more time to read.
All the best! If you’d like, please feel free to ask me for thoughts next year.
I like this NO and will craft it. Trouble is that I don't have a bigger yes, and they will ask what it is. So this is something to figure out soon
I like this NO and will craft it. Trouble is that I don't have a bigger yes, and they will ask what it is. So this is something to figure out soon
Hey Derek,
Totally get it. You might find of interest a site I put up a little while back - CourtesyResponse.com/
Allows custom assembling stock answers and then giving people a short link to same.
I wanted some way of being courteous while minimizing time and emotional energy. (Used not for people I know, but (some fraction of) the flood of unsolicited, and generally completely inapplicable, emails I get — when I want to do more than just delete as spam.)
Sorry to hear about your rat dying...
David
If someone can't say no, they can't be trusted. If someone can't hear no, they can't be trusted.
If the answer is maybe, or if I'm torn, the answer is no. However, I leaned a little too hard on this rule recently and nearly applied it to the wrong situation.
"No" is one of the most beautiful words ever. On her 21st birthday I gave my niece what I called a "re-usable magic spell" that would protect her from anyone who sought to consume her energy, take her places she didn't want to go, and make her do things she didn't want to do". That spell was on a small piece of paper, that just had the word "No" printed on it. Almost a decade later she is a happy successful woman and I'm proud of her.
I know it's fictional but in the show Ted Lasso there's a character called Roy Kent.
He just says "No". No explanation needed. But the way he says it, you hear an undertone of sarcasm as if he meant to say "obviously it's a big no"
It's like if someone asks you if you ate their lunch out if the fridge. It wouldn't be a timid No. It'd be an emphatic "No" with an undertone of "I'm annoyed you even had to ask"
It's like never has so much been said with just 2 letters.
In the show everyone around him always expects a no and so it's not necessarily seen as a bad thing. It's just Roy In fact they are pleasantly surprised when he actually says yes.
I try it with the wife when I'm asked to do things. Almost with a chuckle or a sarcastic smirk - "ha ha No".
Im sure she'd tell you she doesn't like it. But she always knows where she stands with me. And we quickly move on.
I've tried it with the boss when asked to go to meetings... And I then usually have to explain why, "Because I don't want to"
It doesn't always work but he can't argue when I don't interact.
I think the best No should always just be a No (no explanation needed) or maybe, to be polite, "Thanks but No. I don't want to"
None of thus sugar coating malarkey. :)
A famous and popular quote -
"No" is a complete sentence.
...often credited to Anne Lamott, origin unknown
Hi Derek,
It's good to hear from you,and see that your still staying busy.Anywho I've always known that one's no should mean no and there yes meaning yes.For one knows how much is in the account before one approaches and or calls.
I love this one! We were talking with my wife about developing a system to accept/decline requests in our incipient 3d printing business before having to do complex modeling to get a quota the buyer might quite likely reject. Preparing in advance a nice and polite rejection shows that you care enough to not waste the other person's time and expectations.
I'll work on my own. Thanks for the piece of advice!
And how would you say no to anyone who asks for money and not your time. Or for that matter anything else you don’t want to give them
I really hope you will respond
I have been a avid supporter of you and your words of wisdom
That’s the quickest no of all. ☺ — Derek
The "yes" so "no" is important, IMO, because it shows it's not personal to *them.* I adopted this template last year in order to turn down A LOT of offers in my "Zone of Excellence" over the past 12 months. I'm happy to announce that I've just gotten offered my dream job using my Zone of Genius. I'm so glad I said no to all the other stuff.
I used to be the one who couldn't say no. But as I grew up, I can now. Still I feel bad after saying NO.
Writing out your "No" is a hell YES! I am putting it in my notes on my phone so I have it on all my devices ready to copy and paste when needed.
Once again I have added a little nugget from you to add to my life. Simply, Thank You Derek
Perfect! I needed this and sent it to my three adult children/wife. Being compassionate folks sometimes we struggle with the "no" but everything in life is triage...
One thing I made my principle - don't let myself be hurried into a decision. It's almost always possible to take a little time to consider. And thus removing the pressure. Then a 'no' comes much easier for me.
quality idea. Thank you
No thoughts.
Thanks so much for asking!
I’m trying not to get caught up in leaving comments so I have more time to read.
All the best! If you’d like, please feel free to ask me for thoughts next year.
Resonates a lot right now. Reminds me of the concept of the "Full Body Yes"
Love this. I agree that a simple No is sometimes appropriate, when an explanation is warranted it’s nice to have an outline in your head.
Why not post your "no" in full for once instead of vaguely alluding to it over years?
If its a copy paste, just paste it here
No. — Derek
Fantastic and timely idea for me Derek! It feels like something in the air has made this more now important than ever for people who genuinely enjoy giving their all to a thing a believe in.
Smart. I think I need something similar. Saying "yes" has been great at times, and at other times, it has led me down long roads I didn't necessarily want to go down, without clear escape routes.
Definitely! I agree! Your time is precious!
Great one.
I’ll refine it and use.
In fact I also feel that pressure to say it at every place I meet people. Recent example is that there is a poor woman in my street and I have seen her, met her, and greeted her for more than 30 years as we live at the same place. One day, she was sitting at the corner of our street and as I greeted her while returning from the office, she stopped me and asked for money saying that she hadn't received her pension, as it was delayed, and needed some bucks. I could not say no. I paid her whatever she asked for in that moment. And then she used to meet me at the same place almost every other day and greeted me .. and it went on for more than 2 months ... but I felt that I have been cheated on because she used to be as cheerful as she could ... I used to feel that I should ask form the return of my money but somehow I couldn't becuase that's not me right from the beginning ..... but after the third month, she again stopped me one day and nicely returned me my entire amount, and blessed me .... too. Should I have siad NO in the first place itself? What do you think?
I empathize with this very much. I hope you're doing well! 👊❤️
Sorry Derek, I am unable to make a comment on your latest post, I am delighted to have be asked all the same but I have more pressing issues to deal with at the moment, please don’t hesitate to ask the next time you’re posting as I just might be in a better position to comment.
Kind Regards
Ian
I see what you did there. — Derek
"No" is a word not to be feared.
To pause and reflect upon what kind of response one gives to another is a priceless skill.
Derek writes with economy and purpose....and with compassion.
a recipe for filtering... i like:)
I've gotten better handling most nos, but it's the ones where no no is heard that has me baffled. Then, silence.
This reminds me of Jim Carrey in yes man.
It’s kind of interesting how culturally where I am from people often say “may be” instead of a straight no just so they don’t come off as rude. I’m personally guilty of this
Saving this approach for my next no, thank you
Great advice and framework. Our time is our most valuable asset. I need to be better at protecting that time and this has inspired me to be more so.
Knowing this 50 years ago might have saved me a world of grief.
I really like the simplicity of it. I personally decided to keep my No open, and I find that what works for me is the ability to come up with a creative No in a situation that deserves No. Having said that, I really love the simplicity and the straightforwardness of this approach. Most likely, one day when I don't feel creative enough, I will face the reality, which I need to come up with my own four or five excuses.
I used to struggle with marketing until I learned a couple of basic frameworks.
Now, I am obsessed with frameworks, and I am grateful that you took the time to write this one and share it.
I always struggle saying no, and I feel like this now gives me clarity around how to respond.
Thank you.
Hope you're doing awesome.
Thank you, Derek, and indeed it is imperative upon us to say "no" often and with respect. But it must be firm.
Once we leave the door open, even a little, it only grows more open, and in concert with our inevitable resentment.
One of my favourite books that I mention and gift is William Ury's "The Power of a Positive 'No.'" He details a similar strategy to yours.
i always feel for people like you that have to deal with fame and the unpleasant side of it ,a millon request as an example .
in my case as an investor early in my carreer i develop the instant no ,if the proposal needs a rush responds ,let me help u not wasting your time ,the answer is always no and in most case if someone propose something ,most likely no because in my experience the valuable ideas are reach by doing your own research (bussines is always much easier than personal ,ho whale )
Cached "No" responses can never work for me. My social interactions have an extremely high cardinality, not one, or even 10 cached replies can help me. Everyone needs to be unique followed by principles (e.g. Never Lie, Value yourself, etc). Come to think of it, this sounds like what you did too hahah.
Touche.
I'll give you an opportunity to use your NO system.
Saying you'll never come to the US is an artificial prison which was constructed for reactive reasons. Break this unneeded impediment to total freedom and come have lunch with me. Or dinner.
Needed to hear this to find space in my life
I like this, Derek.
What struck me is that the real power may not be in preparing the words. It is in preparing the decision.
In the moment, saying no becomes a negotiation between intention and social pressure. Preparing it beforehand removes much of that negotiation.
I have increasingly found that some of the best systems are simply decisions we make once, so we don’t have to keep making them.
Perhaps a prepared “no” is really a small operating system for protecting a bigger “yes.”