People share perspectives, not facts
People communicate for social and emotional reasons. (Notice the word “commune” in “communicate”.)
Socially, they want to bond. Judgements, gossip, ethics, and opinions are all great for signaling and connecting.
Emotionally, they want validation. They want others to acknowledge and agree that their viewpoint is justified. When you can see someone’s point of view, it tells them that you’re standing on their side.
That’s why people rarely share objective unbiased facts. Actual facts are as boring as dirt. Nobody bonds over facts. They have more incentive to share their thoughts, which are never necessarily true.
Reading this chapter made me uncomfortable in a good way.
Derek says people don’t communicate primarily to exchange truth but they communicate to connect. Socially, we bond. Emotionally, we seek validation. And when I look honestly at my own conversations, I can see it. Most of the time, we’re not trying to discover what’s objectively correct. We’re trying to feel understood.
That word “commune” inside “communicate” explains it. Communication is less about precision and more about proximity. We are asking, “Are you with me?” not “Is this accurate?”
It also explains why facts alone rarely move people. Facts don’t create belonging. Opinions do. Judgments do. Shared outrage does. Even shared dreams do. These things signal tribe. They say, “You and I see the world in a similar way.” And that feeling of alignment is powerful.
What I find challenging is realizing how often I have defended ideas not because they were true, but because they represented my identity. Letting go of an opinion can feel like losing connection. Maybe that’s why we cling so tightly.
For me, this chapter feels like an invitation to listen differently. Instead of asking, “Is this true?” maybe ask, “What need is being expressed here?” Is this person wanting connection? Safety? Recognition? Am I?
And maybe the deeper growth is this: can I communicate in a way that builds connection without sacrificing intellectual honesty?
That tension feels very real.
Wow! Thanks Daniel. Great comment. And I love the way you put “Are you with me?” — Derek